Of Course We Have a Sandwich Named After Us

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I received a tip this summer from Heckler writer H.A.F. that Epicurean and Co. offers a sandwich named "The Georgetown Heckler." I assumed he must have either been mistaken or the sandwich consists of dog shit smeared on a half-slice of potato bread.

I went over to the restaurant today after picking up an internet adapter from UIS, and, wow, they actually did name a sandwich after us. And even better, out of all these sandwiches named after Georgetown stuff, we are the only campus publication to have one named after us. Take that, Georgetown Federalist. You may steal our layout design, but you can never steal our sandwich. Unless, of course, the Heritage Foundation or Second Stewards buy the naming rights for you, which they probably will.

There we are on the board, sandwich number C9, as you can maybe see from this grainy cellphone photo. And surprisingly, we sound like we taste pretty good. Fresh mozzarella, plum tomato, pesto, mixed greens, and fresh basil on focaccia bread.

I didn't buy one, because it's pretty expensive (a higher dollar amount, actually, than the net worth of its namesake publication), but please get one and let us know what we taste like.

Now this sandwich begs the question: Why is this what they imagined the Heckler would be like in sandwich form? Here's my interpretation of what each part represents:

• Fresh mozzarella: Wearing Your Collar Down Is For Poor People, the piece that has by far gotten us the most traffic; it became an internet meme a few years ago and helped establish us as one of the better college humor magazines
• Plum tomato: Administrator humor, nice and juicy
• Pesto: Dick jokes, which have come in throughout our history to help the publication survive in lean times
• Mixed greens: The occasional Onion-style national news items that make Heckler writers feel like they're writing something more than 5 people understand
• Fresh basil: Alcohol, crippling depression, and other strong factors that allow us to write what we do
• Focaccia: Justin Droms, Heckler founder and former editor of Cracked, who keeps this all together

And all of it is fresh, just like our satire. Or at least the stuff is only a couple months old.

Megabus Hates CollegeHumor

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I was trying to follow a link to a Zach Galifianakis interview, and I got hit with this:


Site blocked? Adult Themes and Lingerie/bikini? Why didn't they mention the annoying fratty humor? Or the nudity? And look, they even sell ads to annoy you even more with these pages.

Worse still, when I was trying to find a Galifianakis video to link to, it told me YouTube was blocked for "Video Sharing, Adult Themes." C'mon, YouTube?

Apparently Megabus is a lot more conservative about adult themes and bikinis and "video sharing" than it is about bootleg movies.

At least the Onion website, home to naked Joe Garden and other adult themes, is not censored.

The Return of Megabus Blogging

Just a half hour or so ago I wrapped up my fellowship at The Onion. I doubt I'll ever have such a good job again, but at least they're keeping me on as a contributing writer. That's right, guy sitting next to me reading this as I type (he just now turned away): I get to write jokes for beer and book money this year.

In a set of circumstances that can only be possible with Georgetown's Finest Humor Magazine, I got on the bus just moments ago to find my fellow Heckler editor Jon Rapoport, back from a year studying at Edinburgh and traveling the world, sitting on this very bus. If he can tear himself away from watching The Wire on his iPod—which is unlikely—I'll pass the laptop over for a double-team Heckler Megabus blogfest.

Back to Onion news, a few days back the Onion back-to-school issue went up online. You should check out the special features, for which I wrote a number of the jokes, and this news-in-brief item featuring a couple names you might recognize. Also, you may recognize the opinion headline as a bastardized joke about OAs from our new student guide.

I also wrote the SorCon article last week. It was my headline and article, and it's probably my favorite thing I wrote during the fellowship. Georgetown students are sure to enjoy it. Those hyper-ambitious douche bags.

Between The Wire and me having to write an Onion article before getting back to campus, I'm not sure there will be anymore Megabus blogging this time. But please enjoy this photo of Newark or some shit:

He did it again.

Monday, August 25, 2008

DeGioia fucking did it again:

in [sic] the tradition of the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, Georgetown President John J. DeGioia led new students in an exercise using colored dots to symbolize the world's population. Asking all 3,500 attendees to imagine they represent the 6.5 billion people in the world, DeGioia asked groups to stand based on stickers on their programs.

Seriously?! Write a new fucking speech! Holy shit. How many years in a row has he made this speech? 8?

Should we continuing running this piece I wrote last year until DeGioia gets forced out of office?

Oh wait, St. Ignatius used to stick colored dots on people's programs? Carry on.

Heaps and Heaps of Bailey

Friday, August 22, 2008

Today the world saw a brand new issue of The Hoya.

Let's trash it!

First up, "GU Enhances Safety Measures." What is this story? Well, basically it's that exact email that was sent last night to students from Rocky DelMonaco and Todd Olson. Seriously, Victoria Fosdal uses the exact terms from the e-mail that would seem most controversial: "enhance safety," "community-based," "protective equipment," "batons." Did she not notice that all of these words have been spun? Distance your self from your source a little bit. "Protective equipment" sounds nice, but what it means is DPS officers hitting drunk students this year, and not with gymnastics "batons," but with nightsticks.

Here's a line from the e-mail: "officers... have also undergone comprehensive training in the proper care, use, and storage of this protective equipment." Here's a line from the article: "officers had to undergo extensive training to learn how to properly care, use and store the equipment."

“We want to minimize the ‘us against them’ mentality,” Van Slyke is quoted as saying. I guess using the main campus newspaper to deliver your spin on things is the first step in that.

How about the opinion page? The editorial board uses the opportunity to take shots at the last DPS director while only saying "Van Slyke comes to Georgetown from the University of Mississippi and University of Texas with an impressive résumé" (We Deserve a New Safety Era). Apparently they didn't read this or the Voice blog yesterday (not that anyone does). And in the other op-ed on the subject, somebody tells students that they need to do everything the administration tells them to do about security (To Improve Campus Safety, Students Must Support Administrative Efforts).

Besides the usual new-student stuff, there are a couple other things in here. One is news of the Leo's renovations being completed. The headline (Leo's Completes Vowed Renovations) doesn't fit the fact that they didn't complete all the renovations they said they would even after scaling them back prior to construction. I'll let that slide, though, because the real crime of this article is what the staff of Leo's named these things. "Leo’s Downunder," "Pasta Palate," "Green Lite," "Stir-up the World," and, Jesus Christ, "DELIfully Fresh" is almost certainly the worst set of puns in the history of the English language. As a comedy writer, it will be much harder to go there without throwing up now, even though the odds were already pretty good.

Finally, more alcohol policy bullshit (Most Alcohol Amendments Accepted)! Again I think the positive tone is a little off the mark considering what's been done. Buried in here is the mind-numbing fact that Todd Olson is still making alcohol-infraction punishments more serious if there's a beer pong table around, and also this:

Finally, Olson maintained the current container policy that limits students to no more than two empty containers in the residence at any time. When asked whether empty cans or handles of alcohol constituted a container, Olson responded that a container was defined as "any container that is not a keg."

You'd better not have a lot of cups, bowls, Nalgenes, pots, teakettles, water pitchers, jars, Tupperware, storage bins, or other containers around. A container that is not a keg is a "container" according to Olson, and you can only have two of those in your dorm room.

Placeholder Of Record, Round 2

http://www.thehoya.com/news


Umm...

Happy Fucking Kent State Massacre 2

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hot on the heels of that Public Safety Alert comes a message from Rocky DelMonaco, Todd Olson, and Jeff Van Slyke. Who are these people, freshmen ask? Well, from the looks of things, they're shaping up to be sort of like that Batman—Commissioner Gordon—Harvey Dent trinity, except evil. Perhaps someone will be the Joker and eventually force them to compromise their morals and do something good for the students? My money is on DelMonaco to crack first, even though his name is Rocky, and even though Olson does not seem like he would be, you know, brave, if things got heated.

So what do we have in this e-mail? Well, it looks like Van Slyke is looking to replace our lovable bumbling DPS officers with "highly-qualified" killing machines as his first project. I guess that's not so bad. I mean, DPS officers aren't armed, so... Oh, he's giving them all nightsticks and pepper spray? Well, some students will probably end up in the hospital, but it's not like he's giving them AK-47s so... Oh, yeah. That thing. Well.

It's looking to be a good year for Heckler satire, at least.

I guess it's not exactly an AK-47. The one Van Slyke wants to use on students is green!