Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Here you go.
That's what was selected in the headline meeting on June 9.
A few details are mine, but most of it was written by Todd Hanson, screenwriter of the now-disowned Onion Movie.
Finally Some of My Onion Material Has Been Printed for You Fuckers
More Megabus Georgetown Blogging
Monday, July 07, 2008
Yay! Another fun Public Safety Alert!
Damn, I missed these.
Like most of these bulletins, this one's a little strange. However, who wouldn't want to live in Vittles? I considered doing it before getting the Onion job, which came when I was just four days from taking my last final and couldn't seem to get a summer job.
I bet that was paradise until he got caught. It's understandable he chose Vittles over Snaxa, because all of their ice cream was melted for some reason the other day.
As for Charlie?
We all miss him, random Vittles intruder. We all do. But we have to move on.
Village A Construction
What's going on with Village A? Walking by this weekend, all of the paths into the complex were blocked off like this. The only things I was able to see were a bunch of cherry pickers sitting around and a construction worker using one of them to polish a railing while he listened to his iPod. I did hear from a trusted friend that she found an empty keg on the site. So what's going on in Village A?
- John Glavin needs Village A now for wherever his secret, arrogant plans are taking him
- Patio doors are being removed on the rooftops so residents can no longer pump beer to the underage freshmen hordes on the rooftops from the safety of their own living rooms
- Jim O'Donnell needs Village A now for wherever his secret, boring plans are taking him
- Jack DeGioia is finally giving into that criticism he received for not living on campus by having Village A leveled and his house airlifted onto the site
- Some multi-million dollar project is being undertaken on the rooftops by What's After Dark that is supposed to make drinking non-alcoholic beverages and awkward sober dancing fun
- The rooftop apartments are undergoing renovations for their new residents, DPS officers, who found it took too much effort to get up there and keep watch of things otherwise
- The Stewards are building giant neon keys that will hang above Village A and will perform a dubious service to the student body while in no way signifying who put them up there
- Construction of a new business school building (nobody in the administration realized they had already started building a new MSB building)
- A new virtual reality center is being built that will allow visiting parents to keep up the illusion that their children aren't drinking
- New paint is being put on that will make stairs more slippery
- A huge new statue is being constructed that parallels the one of Christ across the road in between Gervase and Ryan Hall, except this one is of Todd Olson and Jesus angrily beating a keg with baseball bats
Whatever the improvements are, the notorious apartments on Prospect, like the one I will be living in next year, do not seem to be getting them. Thanks again, Housing!
Here's Your Blogging About Georgetown, Fuckers
Above: Heckler editor Jack Stuef on the scene as construction ends on the "S.S. Miller High Life" in Nevils. Conclusion: the new MSB building would have been built a lot faster if Georgetown used the labor of its drunken students. Also: the MSB building would have collapsed multiple times and have had to be rebuilt. Also: you can't see it, but the High Life bottle at the top of the ship is wearing a sombrero expertly woven out of a little plastic cup by occasional Heckler writer H.A.F.
This entry is being posted right now somewhere in Maryland on my way back to New York from spending the weekend in D.C. You should really try Megabus. It's as cheap as BoltBus, and it features nice, new buses; strong, high-speed, no-password wi-fi; and bootlegged new-release movies for your viewing pleasure.
The Diary Of That Gervase Sign
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
July 1, 2008
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
Oh, my darling Clementine
She is lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.
Today will be my last entry.
I had a dream last night. I was sitting above the door to Gervase again. It was winter and icicles slowly melted on to me.
A student lumbered in. He was there to complete work sanction hours for an alcohol violation. I imagined him back at the party in Village C or New South or even LXR in the lands far. He was happy for once, escaping the bitter cold and stresses of a young life with a lukewarm Natty Light in a friend’s dorm room. Then someone came in and stole him from this solitary pleasure.
It was not unlike what they did to me.
I drifted into the nightmare again. There I was, just hanging there, enjoying a restful night. It had been a long day; I counted ten people that needed me to tell them where Gervase was. Sometimes in those days I questioned whether I even made a difference, but damn I loved that place. Then they came. Like a team of basketball players from Hell, they jumped and knocked me off my post. One put me in his bag and took me away. I try not to be so feminist about these things, but it really was a form of rape.
I awoke in a cold sweat and imagined for a split second that I smelt the sweet aroma of banana bread. Of freedom. But it quickly turned into the foul stench of death.
Long I have tried not to think about it. But today I face the truth: they have moved on. Sure, they may have put out a broadcast e-mail. They may have gone a few months, even a year, before replacing me. But now another sign is there in my stead, and they have forgotten about me. Maybe the new sign is just a piece of paper taped on the door, coldly telling passersby “GERVASE PROGRAMS.” Maybe worse, she looks just like me. Maybe the only reminder of my absence to the Gervase staff is when people ask if the new sign is me returned from the dead. I wish the new sign luck, but I hate her.
I sit here alone on this white townhouse wall. For two years, I have sat here suffering as a piece of irony in this wretched man’s bedroom. If only I could have told him how much I hate John Glavin too! But alas, I cannot speak his language. He graduated over a month ago, two years after quitting the Carroll Fellows. The bed was taken with him, the clothes, even the other posters. But now I sit here alone in a barren room, a sign on the wall no longer meaningful to a man who has moved on.
Rather than waiting another two months to meet my maker, I have decided to end it here. I was always too proud, or too cowardly, to face the bottom of a trash can. And so death must be dealt by my own hand.
If anyone ever reads this, tell the Honor Council I love him.
Rejected Onion Headlines 6/23
Sunday, June 29, 2008
As you may have been able to tell from our clip-show-style gay-issue this week, The Onion is now on summer vacation for two weeks. After that, it'll be a week of special projects. Good news: I get two weeks of paid vacation to myself in NYC. Bad news: no new headlines or article-writing for three weeks. Now let's get to the embarrassingly bad headlines!
Week Four
Failing in the first round (Monday 6/23):
- Mugabe's Dog Certifies Another Election Victory OR Mugabe's Dog Drops Out Of Presidential Race
- Bush Just Hanging Around Home This Summer After Failing To Get Internship At U.N.
- Man Surprised To Come Across Black-People Version Of Favorite Commercial
- McCain And Obama Locked In Harsh Battle Over Who Is More Civil
- Man With Alzheimer’s Returned Home After Wandering Onto Space Station
- Hot Cuban Band The Castro Brothers To Star In Own Cuba Disney Channel Movie (GROAN)
- Wall Street Tumbles After Pretty Light Turns Off
- OE: In My Day, You Had To Smoke Pot Uphill 15 Miles In The Snow Or Some Shit
- OE: Istanbul Is Beautiful This Time Of History
- OE: Point: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 26-year-old pederast) / Counterpoint: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 12-year-old cannibal)
- MAG: How Often Does Your Pet Pray?
- America Suffers Through Record Box Office
- Man Walking Onto Web Page Wants To Welcome You
- OE: I Will Pollute This River If It's The Last Thing I Do
Articles written this week: I wrote a news story that will not go in this issue because of its similar subject matter to an Al Gore-related story, but it will appear eventually. To give you some perspective on the hiatus, the issue we put together this week will not go on newsstands until July 30.
DeGioia and O'Donnell Love Undergrads So Much They Plagiarize Themselves Again
Monday, June 23, 2008
The 2008 Heckler Summer Blog blogs on. We apologize for not yet "bringing the heat" on such sexy Georgetown news as revisions to local zoning laws.
The above photo is real, by the way. That's the dining hall's namesake sporting a genuine popped collar at a Class of 1956 Georgetown reunion. If you look hard enough, you can find some good photos of administrators, like this one that has become our stock photo of Todd Olson:
We write a lot of Todd Olson stuff, by the way.
Anyway, we here at the Heckler, despite our incapacitating laziness, have considered doing another parody this summer like our 2007 New Student Guide that so infamously left me with a threat from the CSP and the university counsel. One thing we considered was doing a whole new new student guide, but I checked today and the 2008 guide seems to be almost exactly the same as the 2007 guide.
That's predictable, of course, as much of the information is still relevant. However, two "personal" messages from President DeGioia and Provost O'Donnell to new students have also remained the same.
The letter from O'Donnell, who is not a muddle througher kind of person, seems to have only substituted one mandatory reading assignment for another, and despite past experiences, he still finishes it with a straight face, saying, "This will be one afternoon in your Georgetown life, but I can assure you it will be a memorable and rewarding one." The letter from DeGioia is exactly the same as his one from last year except the fancy watermark now dates the letter at "May 2008." Both appear to be the same as they were in the student guide I got the summer before my freshman year.
Somewhere the Honor Code is smiling.
We maybe could parody other parts of this sacred guide the administration is forced to protect from the Heckler, but the most enjoyable part is making fun of administrators, and we can't really do anything if they don't care about the student body enough to write a new message or, say, a new convocation speech once in awhile to give us some material. I guarantee you, by the way, we can run this letter from the editor again this September.
So we ask you: is there a stupid university publication or other Georgetown thing you think is ripe for parody? Let us know in the comments.
