Breaking News: He Got Gay!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Another blow to the traditional family values that the Georgetown Heckler has always tried to uphold. Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, Lance Bass, former member of the all boys group 'N Sync...is gay. That's right, it's official. He has come out of the closet. You may remember Lance as the 'N Sync boy who attempted to become an astronaut several years ago. It seems now, though, he has decided to fill another black, vacuous, empty space. Who would have thought a high pitched, singing, dancing sissy would turn out to be gay? Certainly not us here at the Heckler. I mean, look at this picture. Look at it! Does that look like a gay man to you? I'm scared. Real scared. Cause if it could happen to Lance, it could happen to anyone. A real loss for all the ladies out there. On the bright side, us men finally have a shot at him. Not that we'd want it, but...if we were gay...even though we're not...he's hot...in a straight way...I would bone him. Remember, it's not gay if you close your eyes and then deny it/admit you didn't like it/marry Katie Holmes.

In other HomoNews, Ann Coulter, America's favorite crazy person, announced last night in an MSNBC interview that she believes President Clinton is a "latent homosexual." I think she may have a point here. After all, what's gayer than getting head from a woman in the oval office? I certainly can't think of anything. I would let Lance Bass ram me in the ass long before I ever received oral "pleasure" (if you can even call it that) from a woman. You know why? Cause I'm not gay. I don't even own a closet, so even if I desperately wanted to come out of it, I wouldn't be able to. That's what real men do.

Lance, call me. Please. I'm lonely.