Pornos You'll (Probably) Never See

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Black Cock Down*: The heart-wrenching story of a large black man with erectile dysfunction, who has to defy all the odds to get laid.
Catchphrase: He wants to get down with the ladies, but first he's gotta get up.

Schindler's Piss: It's August of 1943 and Schindler's hiding hundreds of hot, young, nubile Jews in his factory. But they're about to learn that when Schindler says, "Urine for a treat," he means it. Based very, very loosely on a true story.
Catchphrase: This time the Jews are being sent to a different kind of shower; a golden shower.

12 Angry Women (alternate title: 12 Angry Womyn): Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are 12 women. They are angry. They are lesbians. They're really butch. They're in a room. They have to decide a murder trial, but not before they have a prolonged, esoteric and abstract conversation on the importance of feminist ideals in an ever changing modern and disillusioned political era. Naked. From the makers of Raging Bull-dyke.
Catchphrase: Die men die.

Singin' In The Pain: The world's first S&M musical, starring Spank Sinatra as Asspanking McGimp. There will be a percussion scene in which McGimp will play different sized asses using a steel mace.
Catchphrase: Pain has never sounded so good.

Cock Block and Two Smoking Barrels: The blue-ballingly hot story of a man who just can't get any, because of his asshole friends. That is, until the day he finds a shotgun.
Catchphrase: Rubble. As in Barney Rubble. As in he's got a shotgun and is going to rape you.

Coy Story: The endearing story of a little sex toy, Woody the dildo, who has never left the sex shop. Everything's going well for Woody until some hot shot new toy, Buzz Vibrator, comes along and shows him that dildos are for pussies. Literally.
Catchphrase: You'll orgasm to infinity. And beyond.

Sack to the Future: The thrilling story of Marty McBi, just an ordinary bisexual kid until he meets Doc Cock, a mad scientist who wants to send Marty's balls...into the future. Unfortunately, Marty's balls end up in 1954 where they end up teabagging Marty's own mother.
Catchphrase: Time flies. So do Marty's balls.

The Ball-tease Falcon: The bizarre tale of a highly intelligent and sexually deviant falcon that teases guys' balls until they just can't take it anymore and then flies away. Probably the worst and strangest porno you'll never see, unless you're into falcons playing with guys' balls and then flying away. I know I am.
Catchphrase: Falcon at 10 o'clock, do you know where your balls are?

*It turns out this is actually a real porno. Unfortunately, not with the same plot.