Expert Recap of Tonight's Democratic Debate

Sunday, June 03, 2007

7:00
Candidates arrive; line up to receive "good luck" hugs from Nancy Pelosi.
7:03
Barack Obama appears at podium wearing only bow tie and snap-on pants. Opening statement consists of rhythmic nipple thrusting.
7:05
Larry King addresses first question to President Taft; asks candidates to state position on "the Spaniard situation."
7:22
After prodding from Wolf Blitzer, embarrassed candidates admit they have no idea who Chris Dodd is, either.
7:37
In an effort to prove her masculinity, Hillary Clinton crushes beer can against head, grabs crotch, shoves pelvis violently at camera.
7:41
Joe Biden praises Bill Richardson as, "literate," "well-scrubbed," and "surprisingly free of twirled mustaches." Repeatedly refers to governor as "Señor Taco."
8:10
During lull in questioning, John Kerry attempts to sneak on stage with homemade cardboard podium. Awkward silence ensues.
8:17
John Edwards shocks crowd by announcing withdrawal from presidential race to accept foreman position at local mill. Ha ha, just kidding. He hates poor people so much.
8:20
After "time's up" bell rings, Dennis Kucinich sprouts gossamer wings, disappears in cloud of pixie dust.
8:25
For closing statement, Mike Gravel brings live bear on stage, wrestles it into submission with own hands. Opinion polls declare him unanimous winner of debate.