"So You Want To Be A Big Time Serial Killer" Part 1: Picking A Sweet Name

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

First of all, on behalf of the International Killers and Eliminators Association, congratulations on choosing to become a serial killer and thank you for requesting IKEA’s award-winning series “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Serial Killing But Were Advised Against Asking By Your Lawyer.” Everyone here at IKEA is very excited for you and your family. Serial killers have a long and proud history, dating back to the very first serial killer, God who smote the entire villages of Sodom and Gomorrah. Impressed yet? You will be. Other serial killers include Jack the Ripper, who killed hookers (how fun!), David Berkowitz, whose dog told him to kill people (the real sign of a man’s best friend), Hitler, who killed 6 million Jews (dubious but we give him the benefit of the doubt), and even Larry the Cable Guy, who killed laughter. Yes, you’re in good company my friend. You chose wisely.

The first step to becoming a famed serial killer is choosing a name. For a lot of serial killers this is a real stumbling block. Fear not, though, with IKEA’s few simple tips, you’ll be right on your way to making a name for yourself, literally!

Step 1: Choose your favorite board game/pop culture reference/drink
Reporters and detectives love catchy names for serial killers. They’re like a free publicity firm working around the clock just for you. Half of the work is done for you, so you are free to plot your next victim. The only thing you need to do is place the appropriate items, phrases, and/or pictures in order to help guide your trackers to the perfect name. Board games provide interesting and memorable names for a professional such as yourself. For example, Jigsaw from the popular movie “Saw.” You can try other mind numbing games built for losers as well, like Ouija Board, Candy Land, or Clue (how appropriate!). Other fun ways to get attention include using pop culture references in order to allow for simple but humorous puns. For example, imagine decapitating your victims and replacing their heads with Pokemon. You could become the Mew-tilater after the famous Pokemon Mew. Or you could strike only at attractive upper middle class white girls and be the Teeny Bopper Bopper. Or better yet, you could kill your wife and call yourself O.J. After the drink silly.

Step 2: Adjust your killing method
Once you’ve selected your kickass name now you need to adjust your method of forceful euthanasia. For example, Jigsaw used to remove jigsaw puzzle-like pieces from his victims. This is very complicated and requires patience and skill. Instead, try stapling a Ouija Board to each of your victims’ heads. That one’s a little more obvious. I already gave you the Pokemon suggestion and, well, dousing your wife in orange juice is a pretty good way to nail that sweet name. Or, if you’re going for subtlety, leave a picture of the Buffalo Bills running back during the 1973 season.

Step 3: Have fun!
Well this one pretty much explains itself, right Jimmy? Jimmy was my next door neighbor who used to complain about the “ruckus” I made sacrificing stolen Panda bears to the god Ventrus Maximus who demanded rare animal sacrifices from the Bronx Zoo lest I be turned into a flaming pool of monkey urine for eternity. Monkey pee? Monkey do what Ventrus Maximus tells me to do. Now Jimmy just hangs around in my apartment, literally! Don’t forget, the sky’s the limit for us serial killers. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be creative. The greatest risk is not taking one. And remember, if they catch you, tell them your dog told you to do it (you can thank David later).

Stay tuned next week for: How to create numerical and literary references as clues designed to baffle the public but slowly come together for one roughneck cop who's lost his faith in humanity, but still has a heart of gold.