All Apple Store employees are douches

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I went to visit the new Apple Store in New York City the other day. It's pretty sweet except for the people who work there. I've heard several stories about people being hit on by Apple Store employees, but this was my first experience with it. I went there with my girlfriend, and we were browsing through the iPods and laptops they have set up there when I saw out of the corner of my eye an Apple Store employee strutting over towards my girlfriend who was looking at a laptop. He had on the signature iPod-shaped badge of shameless flirtation which apparently gives him unlimited authority to hit on anything that moves in the store, probably children included. This it the conversation that ensued:

Fucking Apple Guy: Hey there. I see you looking at that laptop. Check this out. The power cord is magnetic.

Girlfriend: Wow, that's awesome.

FAG: Yeah. It is. Is it just me or is there a little magnetism between us also?

GF: Uh...

FAG: I mean, you're like a sweet 1.2 gigahertz Macbook Pro and I'm like a sleek 60 gigabyte U2 limited edition iPod nano. We're so compatible. We're built for each other.

GF: Uh...

FAG: I'd like to hook up with you and download your iTunes if you know what I mean.

GF: Uh...I'm here with my boyfriend. Enter me ready to whoop some Apple employee ass

FAG: You're here with that 2001 1,000 song iPod original? He's not even compatible with your software. Baby, you're running operating system Panther 10.6. You're way better than him.

At this point I offered my Apple friend a swift kick in where I thought his testicles would be. Unfortunately, I was unaware that all Apple Store employees have no balls. Thinking quickly, I challenged FAG to a game of Russian roulette, the prize being my girlfriend. The only rule: he had to go first. I handed him my semiautomatic pistol (I don't play Russian roulette with revolvers cause that's for pussies who believe in "luck"). He shot himself in the head. Game over. I walked out triumphantly with my girlfriend while other Apple Store dorks rushed to their fallen brethren's side.

Me: 1
Skeevy dickless Apple Store employees: 0

And scene.