My Plans For After the Rapture

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Fundamentalist Christians (read: crazy people) believe that a day will come in the not so distant future when Jesus Christ will return to Earth from heaven and whisk away all those who have been faithful and pure leaving behind us sinners to find ways of amusing ourselves before we are ultimately destroyed. It's all very technical and complicated, backed by heaps of credible evidence, and is known amongst the scientific community as the "Rapture." Here are a few of my plans for that glorious day:

1. Catch up on the Sopranos
2. Finish the thank you notes from my second grade birthday party
3. Learn to juggle
4. Call grandma
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Start the Bible
7. Masturbate
8. Finish the bible
9. Take fencing lessons
10. Lose my virginity
11. Prepare to do battle with a horsed Jesus with a flaming two-edged sword coming out of his mouth who has come to strike me down. Not without a fight I say!