World Cup Update: USA Sucks My Balls

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Well that's it folks. The U.S. went down (on my balls) in the World Cup. Pretty impressive how much they sucked. I was disappointed with how short it was. I mean, I was really hoping they'd last a little longer on my balls. But they just didn't quite make it. They sucked hard for a while, but in the end, my balls prevailed and the U.S. was vanquished. Several people in particular are worthy of noting for their excessive sucking of my balls. I'd like to say a little something to a few of them.

Landon Donovan: Wow. You blew more than a crack whore on payday. Nicely done.

Demarcus Beasley: You are a dick.

Brian McBride: I actually like this guy. He's ballsy. He gets hit in the face pretty much every game, and has to come out. But he always comes back for one more crack to the face. Awesome. He's like a retard playing tetherball. Plus, he's had most of his skull replaced with metal because of how many times he's needed surgery from being hit in the face. He's practically a cyborg, which will be useful when the machines rise up against us. We'll neeed McBride to get repeatedly bashed in the face by the machines to distract them while Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back in time to destroy them.

Bruce Arena: What the fuck dude? Why didn't you put Jon O'Brien in? Why didn't you put Eddie Johnson in earlier? Why didn't you do anything? Why won't you answer my calls? Why won't you lift the restraining order? Why are you so afraid of me because I threatened to kill you? Do you know where your wife is? Would you like to? Call me.

France: Well, I just don't like you guys. I hope you don't make it either. I hope Togo hands your ass to you on a silver platter. Although, with Togo it'd probably be a rotten wood platter. Or an animal sacrifice that they'll hand to you, or something weird. I don't know anything about Togo.

USA: Fuck you. You know what the worst part is? You people don't even care. Fuck you guys. Have we ever even shot a soccer player? No, we haven't. Because we don't care. Now I'm not saying I want Americans to start shooting soccer players, all I'm saying is would it be that bad if we did? I mean, we have the right to bare arms right? Let's let the U.S. team know how much we care. Interpret that how you will. My lawyer says I'm strictly prohibited from "outright declarations of intent to commit violent acts or inciting others to do so."

The World Cup: Fuck you. You are such a cock tease. You play with my balls for a while, tickle them and stuff, and then bam! donkey punch my ass. Unnecessary World Cup. Unnecessary.

David Dilkinson: I know you don’t play for the U.S. soccer team, and you are not even remotely connected to soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but fuck you. You know what you did. I will find you, and I will crush you. Suffice it to say I still want my kidney back.