Rules for Monopoly: Communist China Edition

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

1. First, get a billion of your friends together.
2. Designate one person as the “Party Leader.”
3. Divide up the money equally among all the players, except for the Party Leader who gets more, but only because it helps the game.
4. Assign one person as the “banker.” They will be killed later. Anything that goes wrong during the game is to be blamed on the banker who will be severely punished.
5. The two decks in the middle of the board are “Chance (as determined by the Party)” and “Communist Chest,” the latter of which is pictures of famous communists' bare chests, like Karl Marx, Mao Zedong, and Che Guevara (he’s hot, I saw the movie). When you pick up a “Chance (as determined by the Party)” card, you must do exactly what it says, unless your Party Leader tells you to do something else. Then you must do that or else you will be killed.
6. If a player rolls doubles three times in a row they must go to jail, because no one can be that lucky in Communist China. Once they are in jail, they are a prisoner of the state. They will also be killed and you will need to harvest their organs. To do this, use the scalpel and test tubes provided in the box.
7. You cannot buy any property. Everything belongs to the Party.
8. If anyone does not want to play or has any objections, do not hesitate to kill them. They are either with the party or against it.
9. Now you’re ready to play!
10. Remember, everybody wins, except the banker, the prisoners, dissidents, Party members who are no longer in favor, and practically everyone else. Note: if there are any Japanese kids playing the game, you must kill them ruthlessly and mercilessly. Do not forget World War II and the Sino-Japanese war! Ever!
11. Have fun! And don’t forget, Mao is watching! Always!