Great Musings

Monday, July 31, 2006

People say that money makes the world go round, but if you drink enough of them, beer cans also make the world go round.

Movies Inspired By "Snakes On A Plane"

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Alpacas On A Lawnmower

Possums On A Skateboard

Ferrets On A Rocketship

Lakes On A Plain

Motherfuckers On A Motherfucker (Just imagine: “Get these motherfuckin’ motherfuckers off my motherfuckin’ motherfucker!”)

Breaking News: He Got Gay!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Another blow to the traditional family values that the Georgetown Heckler has always tried to uphold. Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, Lance Bass, former member of the all boys group 'N gay. That's right, it's official. He has come out of the closet. You may remember Lance as the 'N Sync boy who attempted to become an astronaut several years ago. It seems now, though, he has decided to fill another black, vacuous, empty space. Who would have thought a high pitched, singing, dancing sissy would turn out to be gay? Certainly not us here at the Heckler. I mean, look at this picture. Look at it! Does that look like a gay man to you? I'm scared. Real scared. Cause if it could happen to Lance, it could happen to anyone. A real loss for all the ladies out there. On the bright side, us men finally have a shot at him. Not that we'd want it, but...if we were gay...even though we're not...he's a straight way...I would bone him. Remember, it's not gay if you close your eyes and then deny it/admit you didn't like it/marry Katie Holmes.

In other HomoNews, Ann Coulter, America's favorite crazy person, announced last night in an MSNBC interview that she believes President Clinton is a "latent homosexual." I think she may have a point here. After all, what's gayer than getting head from a woman in the oval office? I certainly can't think of anything. I would let Lance Bass ram me in the ass long before I ever received oral "pleasure" (if you can even call it that) from a woman. You know why? Cause I'm not gay. I don't even own a closet, so even if I desperately wanted to come out of it, I wouldn't be able to. That's what real men do.

Lance, call me. Please. I'm lonely.

Get This Motherfucking Book On Yo Motherfucking Bookshelf

Monday, July 24, 2006

Big, big news people. The picture you are looking at is me holding my official, authoritative copy of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel. That's right, you heard me. I was in Barnes and Nobles today perusing the existentialists and getting a hard on, when I came across this masterful work of art. Immediately I knew it was the eighth wonder of the world. Fuck off Colosseum because this is 405 pages of wet your panties Snakes On A Plane In A Book action. Hold onto your booklights cause this "novelization," is pure dyn-o-mite! If I may be so kind as to share a random selection I came across just opening the book:

"When snakes fell out of the ceiling, Curtis and Tommy tried to hide in the narrow space between two seats where feet normally go. Curtis was really too tall to completely fit so he tried to squeeze himself into as small a space as possible. He could feel Tommy's body pressed up against his back, shivering. Curtis could see a guy lying on the ground in the aisle not more than a foot away and though he couldn't be completely sure, Curtis thought maybe the guy was dead. Not dead like in the movies where he would just get up and go have some coffee as soon as the director said cut, but really forever dead like Grandma Cooper and Tommy's goldfish and Tupac Shakur. There was also a lady throwing up in the seat across the aisle. A snake had bitten her on the neck just like Dracula and she was puking all over herself and banged her head on the wall, the window, and the seat in front of her...Curtis liked horror movies and gory video games...Tommy was way more sensitive. He couldn't watch nature shows because he felt sorry for the gazelles when the lions ate them. He even felt bad when villains died on TV and not just the big boss villain but the henchman too. In short, Tommy was a big pussy" (196-197).

Holy fucking shit that was intense prose. How is this not required reading in high school already? This may seem bold, but I'm just gonna go out there and say it. Given what I've read so far, which is just that passage and the author bio, I think we're looking at the next great American novel. Fuck Hemingway, fuck Fitzgerald, fuck Salinger, cause Christa Faust just bit their fucking heads off and digested them whole. As long as we're on the subject, I think it's important that you learn about the next great American writer, Christa Faust. "Born in New York City in 1969, Christa Faust...has a fondness for vintage high heels and Mexican wrestling." I will marry this woman. She is also the author of Final Destination 3: The Novel. I can't even believe how awesome this woman is. She is such a great writer, that she doesn't even need to think of plots. She just takes shitty movies and "novelizes" them. I bet you're sitting there right now fisting yourself over how stupid you were to not come up with this idea first. Too bad, because Christa Faust already did it. Anyone could have done it, but she did do it, and for that I thank her and declare her an American hero. Go out and buy this book unless you want the terrorists to win.

Household Hooker Tip #5

Friday, July 21, 2006

Hookers are a lot like Chinese food. If you leave the remains in the fridge for over a month, your whole apartment starts to smell. Try to find a better place for storage, like a furnace or a six foot deep pit I dug in my neighbor's backyard.

From the Banned Archives of Dr. Seuss: Hop On Pot

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Timmy is waiting with nothing to do
Maybe, he thinks, I’ll go take a poo
But then comes a knock on Timmy’s front door
Thank goodness for anything to ease up the bore
He opens the door and finds his friend Jimmy
Hey Jimmy, says Timmy, who lets him on in
Jimmy just smiles and shows him a tin
The tin has great colors of blue and of yellow
Says Jimmy to Timmy, “Time to get mellow”
Timmy’s excited, his face starts to glow
This is the shit that Jim’s mom likes to grow
Inside the can is all the sweet jeeby
And Jimmy is offering it all as a freebie
Timmy is happy, he starts to shout
And jump up and down and all about
I would smoke it in a house
I would smoke it with a mouse
I would smoke it in the rain
I would smoke it flying a plane
Enough of this ranting, take out the dope
Are your parents coming home? No I hope
Put on some music cause that shit’s amazing
Whenever you’re blazing and dazing
And then onto lazing, how bout his phrasing
Go grab the bong and I’ll pick a song
Says Jimmy, as Timmy just starts run
Oh my goodness, cries Timmy, oh what such fun
“Bong of Solomon” is what Timmy brings back
Along with some chips for a post-reefer snack
What a name for a bong, it’s really quite queer
Fuck that we just got all literary up in here
They hit on the bong, it’s really quite strong
And Jimmy yells out, “I can’t feel my schlong!”
They both start to giggle, they’re fucking high
They’re laughing so hard they both start to cry
Now the music is Marley and it’s a sweet jam
Goddamn! They’ve got the munchies for green eggs and ham
But alas I can’t write anymore of this crap
I think I’m going to go take a nap
Please just leave me alone, no calls
Cause right now Seuss is fucking tripping balls

Pornos You'll (Probably) Never See

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Black Cock Down*: The heart-wrenching story of a large black man with erectile dysfunction, who has to defy all the odds to get laid.
Catchphrase: He wants to get down with the ladies, but first he's gotta get up.

Schindler's Piss: It's August of 1943 and Schindler's hiding hundreds of hot, young, nubile Jews in his factory. But they're about to learn that when Schindler says, "Urine for a treat," he means it. Based very, very loosely on a true story.
Catchphrase: This time the Jews are being sent to a different kind of shower; a golden shower.

12 Angry Women (alternate title: 12 Angry Womyn): Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are 12 women. They are angry. They are lesbians. They're really butch. They're in a room. They have to decide a murder trial, but not before they have a prolonged, esoteric and abstract conversation on the importance of feminist ideals in an ever changing modern and disillusioned political era. Naked. From the makers of Raging Bull-dyke.
Catchphrase: Die men die.

Singin' In The Pain: The world's first S&M musical, starring Spank Sinatra as Asspanking McGimp. There will be a percussion scene in which McGimp will play different sized asses using a steel mace.
Catchphrase: Pain has never sounded so good.

Cock Block and Two Smoking Barrels: The blue-ballingly hot story of a man who just can't get any, because of his asshole friends. That is, until the day he finds a shotgun.
Catchphrase: Rubble. As in Barney Rubble. As in he's got a shotgun and is going to rape you.

Coy Story: The endearing story of a little sex toy, Woody the dildo, who has never left the sex shop. Everything's going well for Woody until some hot shot new toy, Buzz Vibrator, comes along and shows him that dildos are for pussies. Literally.
Catchphrase: You'll orgasm to infinity. And beyond.

Sack to the Future: The thrilling story of Marty McBi, just an ordinary bisexual kid until he meets Doc Cock, a mad scientist who wants to send Marty's balls...into the future. Unfortunately, Marty's balls end up in 1954 where they end up teabagging Marty's own mother.
Catchphrase: Time flies. So do Marty's balls.

The Ball-tease Falcon: The bizarre tale of a highly intelligent and sexually deviant falcon that teases guys' balls until they just can't take it anymore and then flies away. Probably the worst and strangest porno you'll never see, unless you're into falcons playing with guys' balls and then flying away. I know I am.
Catchphrase: Falcon at 10 o'clock, do you know where your balls are?

*It turns out this is actually a real porno. Unfortunately, not with the same plot.

Words That Are Easier To Pronounce Than "Ahmadinejad"

Monday, July 17, 2006

1. Cat
2. Dog
3. Happy
4. Nuclear

Guess who's baaaaaaack!!

That's right mothertruckers, the Georgetown Heckler Blog is back and better than ever, or rather it's hopefully not worse than it was before. Anyways, I know you've all been compulsively masturbating to control the stress caused by the Heckler Blog's absence, but it's ok, you can relax now cause we're back. So start checking regularly and obsessively again because there will be updates and they will be hilarious.

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