Pumpkin Dimolitsas

Friday, October 31, 2008

As promised, I made a Spiros Dimolitsas pumpkin earlier today. Now, don't hassle me on the DeGioia one. I spent a lot more time on this one, and I had a chance to learn from the mistakes I made the first time.


By the way, have you ever read his biography? How did he get that job? He has nothing to do with academia, unless you count his five patents. Yeah, FIVE PATENTS FOR SUCKING BLOOD! I guess every Catholic school has to have one vampire on staff. Anyway, compare:


And there they are, your Georgetown administrator pumpkins!


I should really be studying or something.

Pumpkin DeGioia

Thursday, October 30, 2008

After stealing two pumpkins from GUSA (Thanks, Twistah! Or whoever's pretending to be Twister these days.), I set out to skip my obligations and create a Todd Olson pumpkin. That didn't seem to work, though. Perhaps he's too socially awkward to be a pumpkin. So I had to go with a classic:


Hey look, DeGioia's on campus! Compare:


Who should I do for the second pumpkin? In the spirit of the season, I'll probably do Vice President for Vampire Affairs Spiros Dimolitsas:


Yeah, Spiros.

This Blog Post Is Going On A Pumpkin

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Here's the deal: our job is to make fun of the stuff that goes on here. But we can't do that if nothing is going on here. What the hell happened to The Hoya? It used to be filled with stupid stuff administrators do, stupid stuff student groups do, and racism and homophobia and all that good stuff. But, besides lucking out with everyone getting noroed a few weeks back, there's been nothing.

The cover story for Tuesday was "Students From Swing States Favor Obama, UWire Study Reports." Really? You don't say. Not only does Obama have a big lead in national polls, but college students support him? How has the national press not covered this?

Then I see their cover photo:


Look, they just took a photo of that fucking pond by W-G'r. Wow. Apparently that's a major news event, that pond continuing to exist on campus. When I was a freshman they had gay people kissing on their front cover, just to get the crazy Catholics to flip out at them. Those were the days!

Now there's been barely any meaty news stuff coming out. What's the problem? Does The Hoya just totally suck at journalism now, or are the people around here too lazy and concerned with "classes" to beat up a gay kid or throw a brick through Max Sarinsky's window? How are we supposed to write our issues, much less this blog, if there's nothing going on?

And what about you, Stewards? You re-paint the Hoya Saxa sign? You relaunch the Academy, but make it boring? You haven't even promised to fund a Heckler issue this year before pulling out of your commitment after it's been printed? Give me a break. Show your dedication to Georgetown by at least stealing the Healy clock hands or kidnapping DeGioia or something. Seriously, you asked that weird Knights of Columbus kid who plays Super Smash Bros. every Saturday night in the Village C Alumni Lounge with his friends from high school to become one of you? C'mon.

Somebody do something before I have to do a parody post of that George III blog. Please. I don't want to acknowledge that thing. Or actually dig up stuff that's going on on campus myself.

Press Clubin'

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sometimes God / the National Press Club will ask The Onion to send some people over to talk about their War For The White House coverage, and your Heckler editor will have to skip Midnight Madness. And the journalists, who are all losing their jobs, will try to be polite at first and then will really, really just want their questions on how this thing makes money and keeps hiring new people answered. And The Onion will eventually end that panel discussion and get drunk for free in the posh members-only Truman Lounge, home to presidents of the United States playing the piano, a bunch of owl sculptures, and a little old mustachioed bartender in a red vest. And whether or not your Heckler editor is 21, after awhile he will doublefist the half-drunk wine glasses of people he doesn't know:



And Joe Garden will ingest the cake of people he doesn't know:



And it will be the best night ever.

Oh yeah, I haven't been keeping blog readers up to date with what I've been writing in The Onion. I apologize. Assume I wrote everything you thought was funny, and this.

NEW ISSUE NEW ISSUE NEW ISSUE

Monday, October 13, 2008

Look, we finally put up our first issue of the year. Hooray! Love it. Love us. Please.



Done watching that? Okay.

This video was originally conceived before norovirus BROKE OUT, and it was supposed to be shot in Leo's, basically making fun of everything inside there. But things changed and we couldn't shoot the stuff in Leo's, so we (me, Rapoport, Rabiroff) made up most of this video on the spot. Special thanks goes to John Thompson III for agreeing to walk by me as I was eating a bush. He improvised that giving me a dollar thing, which was really funny and inspired us as to how to finish the video. Special thanks also goes to AD Bernard Muir for standing there and allowing this, and special thanks does not go to Asst. Coach Robert Burke, who kept calling me Kevin Farley and mocking me.

SaxaSpeak: We are easily offended.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

SaxaSpeak thinks the title of an article in the Daily Pennsylvanian on our homecoming game (entitled "Hoyas best hope: More norovirus") is in poor taste.  Huh?  That's... true.  As was proven today on the field.  Is no one allowed to make fun of norovirus or our football team?  I guess they will be very offended by our next issue.

Speaking of our next issue, it should be online Monday or Tuesday.  Our next installment of Heckler Video will feature, among other things, a brilliant improvised performance by the greatest man to grace our campus.  So look forward to that.

New Leo's Documentary Coming Out

Friday, October 03, 2008

I just saw a preview for a new documentary coming out on the norovirus outbreak here:

.

My only criticism: I question the choice of Morgan Freeman to portray Todd Olson. Other than that, very accurate and well balanced.

Eat Your Heart Out, Large Hadron Collider

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Currently I am sitting in the "convenient" replacement for Leo's, Center Grill.  And... there are no chicken fingers.  None.  

This begs the question: Is today still Chicken Finger Thursday, or did the universe skip a day and today is Friday?  I have no idea.  Perhaps chicken fingers just naturally form in the Leo's fryers whether the cafeteria is open or not.  Perhaps the heath inspectors in Leo's had to make some chicken fingers there today so the universe wouldn't end.

I guess I'll find out when I go to class today if it's still Chicken Finger Thursday.