More Google Searches that Led to the Heckler Blog

Friday, May 18, 2007

Last summer I was really bored and was on the statcounter I have for the blog when I found that you can click "keyword analysis" and find out what keywords people are typing into Google that lead them to your blog. What I found was some weird and random shit that people search for and I posted a few of them [see entry August 10, 2006]. So I decided to check it out again this summer and this is what I found (these are all real, I swear to god):

two in the pink, one in the stink - ...Ok. I don't remember ever writing this in the blog and frankly, if you're searching for this, I don't think you're looking for the Heckler blog at all. Just a hunch. Glad you made it though, I hope you were amused and slightly aroused.

crying and masturbating - First of all, I did not know google searches on your blog included what you did the night before. Shit. I guess I’ll be more careful in the future cause the last thing I need is for some idiot googling "donkey filching." Oh please don't look that up.

twin sex - Ok, this is just something I want to do. Again not really sure how it relates to the blog. But I guess google picks up your innermost desires as well. Damnit google, you’re too good at your job! Again I feel the searcher is going to be a little disappointed by the blog.

usa sucks my balls - We are at war you sick bastard! Goddamnit, we can't have you undermining our troops morale. They read this blog and they do not need to know that such anti-American and pro-terrorist searches lead to it. Come on! But you know what, I hope USA does suck your balls, just so she can wrap her sweet lips of liberty around your sacrilegious sack and then chomp down with her beaming white teeth of justice. America bites back bitch. On a less polemic, ironic Republican rant, why the hell are you doing this search? Unless it's a google image search in which case I am way ahead of you.

falwell hooker - Listen, having sex with Jerry Falwell has always been a fantasy of mine, but it was expensive as hell when he was alive and since he died, oh man, the prices have gone through the roof. Trust me, it is not worth it. Keep the cash and buy yourself something nice, like a global corporation or a hooker that doesn't believe AIDS was God's divine punishment and that separation of church and state was an idea created by Satan.

Things God Might Have Said Right After He Created Jerry Falwell

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

1. Haha oh man that was fun. Oh shit, did I just press “send?” Fuck!
2. I wonder if adding a second dash of “absolutely fucking batshit insane” might have been too much. Unlikely.
3. Well, I guess sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck.”
4. I’ve made a huge mistake.
5. Oh wait! I was supposed to make him gay.
6. April Fools!
7. Well, you can’t win ‘em all.
8. I sure hope people understand the irony.
9. In my own image my ass, I’m not a stupid fat fuck.
10. It’s ok, they think I’m infallible.
11. This just can’t end well.
12. Jesus, oh man Jesus, come over here you gotta see this one. What do you mean am I serious? Of course not.
13. There, now they finally have proof that I have a sense of humor.
14. I hope he never says, “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals,” cause that would mean I created someone who was a fucking idiot.

Quotes From My Favorite Porno "The Raw Shank Redemption"

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It's a great film. I highly recommend it. It's also pretty true to the original story, except that part where "The Sisters" corner Andy. If you remember the film, let's just say Andy doesn't put up a fight in this one. Here are my favorite quotes (you have to imagine Morgan Freeman's voiceover saying them):

1. I used to think it’d take a man 600 seconds to make love to a woman. Old Andy did it in less than 20.

2. Let me tell you something my friend. Syphilis is a dangerous thing. Syphilis can drive a man insane.

3. These balls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways. Your balls.

4. I once got a bunch of hookers. Started beatin’ em. Killed one of ‘em. Funny thing about dead hookers. You can never kill just one.

5. I once got my penis caught in a Chinese finger trap. It hurt. It hurt so much I thought I was gonna cry, but I didn’t. I guess that’s institutionalized.

6. I guess some birds weren’t meant to be caged. I guess I just miss my friend. Well not so much a friend. He was more of a sex slave. Never quite got his name. Couldn’t speak much through the leather mask I made him wear. I guess that’s institutionalized.

Welcome Back to the Blog Bitches

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Well, it's summer again which means two things: the Heckler blog is back and fat people everywhere are going into hibernation. If you've been locked in a cave for the last few weeks you should know that the Heckler just put its first print edition, which you can download at It's hilarious, obviously. Keep checking back here for updates throughout the summer as you waste your life away at that miserable unpaid internship you got from your great-aunt's boyfriend, you godforsakenly well connected bastard. I need a job damnit.

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