Photographic Evidence of the Rebirth of The Hoya

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Gen. Zach Rabiroff of the People's Liberation Army of China and children, teens, and college-student minister Rev. Jack Stuef of the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California were on hand to officiate the ceremonies on Monday.

Gen. Rabiroff led us off with a reading of the Last Post on the wall of the Save The Hoya Facebook group:

Jack Carlson wrote
at 5:41pm on January 26th, 2008

Right so it was a "well-known Georgetown yell" long before the newspaper... the part about the "decade after" is just when the athletic teams took on the name. But "Hoya Saxas" have been associated with the university much longer than the paper - which the group description mixes up.
That always makes me tear up.

Next was the Moment of Silence:

Some people, those who were not too afraid that they would be arrested by that DPS officer in the middle of the photo for taking part in the revolution, had already showed up. More would come when they heard the booming righteousness of Rev. Stuef's Sermon of Hope that followed. It retold the history of The Hoya since it had been placed in shackles by God in the Garden of Eden and ended with a message of renewal inspired by the revelations of Monday, a reading of the Wine-Tasting Editorial Heard Round the World, and the the Baptism of Hope:

Everyone in the crowd took a copy of The Hoya and ripped it to shreds. Then, in the tradition of John the Baptist, the shredded newspapers were dunked in the Holy Georgetown Student Brita Filter Water, symbolizing the destruction of the old chains binding The Hoya and its rebirth as a free institution. The wet shreds were then wrapped in an American flag, and the people chanted "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" before the flag was dropped and stomped on to again symbolize the destruction of the old chains. Then the People departed to get back to their guerrilla warfare.

REMINDER: A Moment of Silence for the Free the Hoya Movement

Monday, January 26, 2009

5:41 PM, today, Red Square.

Reader E-mailbag

Sunday, January 25, 2009

From time to time, we get e-mails from you the reader thinking this is one of those Internet things with which you can interact and be a part. It is not. You are here to listen to what we have to say, not have a conversation with us. It is a lecture, not a seminar. A Bush presidency, not an Obama presidency. A person standing on top of a roof yelling things at passerby, not you walking by and trying to talk with a friend while avoiding eye contact with me up there on the roof.

Nevertheless, the feverish popularity of this blog (Technorati says we're the 2,523,334th most popular!) and of the Heckler in general (we got listed on this high school English teacher's homepage!) has meant there are a number of people that have trouble understanding that.

Here then are the winner and loser from the past week or so in e-mails.


Reader Kent Strader sent us this photo, asking us if it looks like Leo's:

Yes, Kent it does. And it is. And it is a perfect metaphor for Georgetown. It appears someone noticed his golf cart starting to catch on fire, then quickly fled the scene so he wouldn't have to be held responsible. Then somebody else did the bare-minimum requirement of bringing a fire extinguisher to the scene, but she left it about six feet away from the golf cart without actually trying to put out the fire. Then other people were walking and saw it but decided to shift direction away from it so they also couldn't be held responsible.

Read this 2004 Hoya story if you want to destroy that metaphor. And while you're at it, all of the search results for "golf cart" there are pretty good.

Also, Kent and everyone, you shouldn't be reading CollegeHumor. We don't allow our readers to get their comedy anywhere else but this barely-updated media empire.


Cretin Justin Riel complained that this story from last year was "Gawdawful." (I was going to use a [sic] there, but I realized that Justin must be a Valley Girl.) "I understand that you're trying to go for offensive humor, but Darfornification just isn't funny. Worst of all it's just offensive," Justin writes. That's sort of a poorly put together thought, but thanks for taking the time to let us know you didn't like a thing that we had on our website last year, Justin.

He goes on: "It fails miserably unless your goal was to make G-town look bad, then good job." Well, that actually is one of our main goals (this is a satire publication about Georgetown, Justin), but I get the point. You're three years out of college and still using your university e-mail address and reading student publications; you're the ultimate vision of a successful person, and so you care obsessively about the image of the name of the school on your resume.

With remorse I must tell you I cannot access Justin's Facebook profile, so we cannot laugh at the stuff on there. Gawddarnnit.

I'd also like to name as an honorable mention in this category the e-mail entitled "Get the longest schlong in two months." Two months?! I expect the male-enhancement pills I buy from spam messages to work much faster than that.

Hoya Ed Board Assasinates Austrian Leader, Orders Georgetown To Give Them Course Credit For Spitting Wine Into Buckets

Friday, January 23, 2009

A lot of history has happened the last few days. So it is only fitting that the lead editorial in The Hoya today asks—no—DEMANDS that Georgetown offer a course in wine tasting!

How long have we suffered without a wine-tasting class?! It is barbaric! Thank God The Hoya can see how its ongoing, blood-soaked, guerrilla revolution is hurting the people. "I don't care about whether or not The Hoya gets to keep its name, I just want to know the right wine to pair with a veal pâté," the constantly-being-raped, malnourished single-mothers cry out in agony on M Street. Well, guess what, proletariat? The Hoya is looking out for you. And they didn't even put "" on their "BEAT 'CUSE" signs this year, even though that is the most important battle in saving their newspaper. They just care so fucking much for you huddled, not-in-a-three-credit-wine-tasting-course masses. Why? Because they are the masses. They are the people. And the people ache for a wine-tasting course even more than they do for The Hoya to not be listed as a student group on the Georgetown website.

Meanwhile, the revolution lives on. Until they forget to renew that domain name.

NOTE: The Heckler will be in Red Square on Monday at 5:41 pm to hold a moment of silence for the one-year anniversary of the most recent comment on the Save The Hoya Facebook group wall.

ALSO NOTE: The university's central intelligence agency has picked up chatter that there may be a new issue of the Heckler in a few weeks.

Georgetown University Hospital Goes On YouTube

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hey look, that hospital our administration failed to be able to run is not only doing well, but has signed up for YouTube! Let's see what they have to offer!

Oh, it's fourteen videos of some guy talking about kidney, pancreas, and liver transplants. Great...

It looks like this doctor showed up to get his school photo taken but only wanted to talk about how long it takes to get back to work after one of these transplants, and then he didn't pay extra to get his background changed to neon green because his parents hate him and want his pictures to look stupid. I've been there, doctor.

Here's one of the videos:

Waitlist Torture

Friday, January 02, 2009

Still no response to my e-mail to John Q "Public" "Or Terrible 2002 Denzel Washington Movie" Pierce. I guess he wanted to ruin my break even more, because I find this:

I signed up for the waitlist for this class like a week ago thinking I would easily get into a class that had 50 fucking seats open, which, you will note, is ten more than the number of people already enrolled in the class. In the days since, however, more people have noticed this class has open seats and have been trickling in, and for the past 24 hours or so, the number has stood at exactly 50 people on the waitlist for an available 50 seats, making me extremely on edge.

I like to buy my books online before I get to campus because it costs less, and as soon as possible, as the prices go up as people in the class buy the cheapest copies online. So do I shell out $100 now, betting that I'll be one of the 50 of the 62 or so people that are on the waitlist that get in whenever our dashing registrar gets around to letting people in off the waitlist? I don't know. I'm sure he keeps track of my book purchases and will be sure to screw me over if I do.

I'm thinking of just giving in and telling him where my secret terrorist organization has hid our secret bomb. I don't think the jihad is worth the stress, and letting people know that this popular class (note the word "sports" in its title) has open seats on this blog probably means more than 50 people will be on the waitlist by tomorrow anyway.

You win this holy war, Mr Pierce.

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