Take My President, Please

Monday, September 29, 2008

Do it, Georgetown website!

During a Sept. 25 ceremony in New York, Georgetown President John J. DeGioia received an honorary Doctorate of Laws from Queen’s University, located in Northern Ireland, for his commitment and service to global education.

“In honoring him … Queen’s is recognizing an eminent and visionary educationalist who has played a pivotal role in enhancing the valuable links between our two institutions and between the United States and Northern Ireland,” said Queen’s President and Vice Chancellor Peter Gregson.
What is an "educationalist," another word for an embarrassing opportunist bureaucrat who happens to work in the field of education? And why the hell would anyone give DeGioia an honorary degree?
A Queen’s University delegation flew to New York last week in an attempt to forge new research and educational links between Northern Ireland and the United States.
Ahhhh, okay. They just want to get their hands on our school's resources. I was a little worried there someone was treating our president as a serious academic. Carry on, Ulstermen. According to a Wikipedia search for "Queen's University," you're not even the best school named that, but I'm sure you'll get there someday, probably without DeGioia's help, as you'll find out.

But please, please, please make him your new president.

Public Safety Alert: Metaphor in West Georgetown

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A homeowner reported to the Metropolitan Police Department at approximately 3:30 a.m. on Sunday, September 21, 2008 that a group of 12-15 white males and females broke into his home. Another resident of the home confronted the individuals and they left the premises. The homeowner discovered that a bronze bull's head sculpture worth $25,000 was missing. MPD reported this incident to DPS on Tuesday, September 23, 2008.
Folks, if you want to make a point about the state of Wall Street and our national economy, don't do it through Metro. That's a misuse of our city's resources.

The Hoya's Secret Blogging

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Our blog here reached 100 posts the other day, and in response, it seems, The Hoya has been forced to rethink its blog plans once again. Previously, they were sticking to writing secret blog posts that nobody could read, except for the two or three they would publish every semester. Currently, they have a secret election blog called "Hoya Gonna Vote For?" But now, they've realized their secret blogging is getting little attention. So they've created a Hoya version of SaxaSpeak! (Though, since yesterday, it has now become secret too. You can't get to it from the main link on the Hoya homepage, but you can from here.)

What is that you say? Those are the exact posts from the real SaxaSpeak except now they're coded to look a lot more unsightly? Well, yeah. That's how The Hoya does everything.

I'm sorry that you feel so threatened by this blog, Hoya, but the answer is not creating more and more blogs that you never actually post on. Keep doing it though; it's hilarious.

And to SaxaSpeak: doesn't this "partnership" mean you're actually inside "University censorship" now?

Rejected Drink Ideas

Friday, September 19, 2008

I was in The Tombs the other night, bored out of my mind, staring at their inane drink list. As a general rule I refuse to drink cocktails with names that are neither witty (read: stupid puns) nor offensive and ended up drinking nothing the whole night and was wholly unable to convince any women to make the biggest mistake of their lives and sleep with me. I now present to you my own personal drink menu were I to open a bar:

The Naga-Saki Bomb – It burns all the way down into your future generations.

The Jewdriver – A drink you sip very slowly and neurotically while constantly complaining that it’s both poor in quality and lacking in quantity.

The Black Russian – I’ve never seen one, but he will be very drunk on Vodka and he will kick your fucking capitalist ass.

Kamikaze – Just as you bring the drink to your lips a Japanese man in a plane who will fly into your mouth and kill you. I know, I know it's a real drink, but have you ever been attacked by a Japanese man while drinking it? That's what I thought.

The Shirley Temple of Doom – A twist on the typical non-alocholic beverage. This one is made with Everclear and the blood of young virgins. The cherry, of course, is still included.

I'm also officially introducing The Official Georgetown Heckler Cocktail Contest. Send us your favorite drink titles (editor@georgetownheckler.com) OR if you work at the Tombs get one of these drinks on the menu and I'll give you $5.

Dried Up Semen

(Our GUSA administration, moments before a coked-out jizzing)

In between congratulating themselves for reflecting on how racist they are, in today's issue of The Hoya, the ed board tells us that Juicy Campus is a "cancer," but "projects are already in the works to stop the spread of the Juicy infestation!" Hooray!

Though the ed board endorses a "boycott" of the website that is going to kill us all, it also applauds those who would like to censor it. Really?
I understand why Pat Dowd wants to block Juicy Campus from university Web connections. Just look at this. Now one might say, that's just some baseless name-calling that any adult with any degree of emotional stability and self confidence would get quickly let go. And you'd be right. So I guess them trying to ban us from seeing this information means it must be true.

That's right, folks: James Kelly uses poop for lube, he's an idiot transfer; he has a crooked, short, uncircumcised penis that smells like chicken tika masala and onion rings; he is a cokehead; and, of course, James Kelly's hair isn't gray, it's Pat Dowd's dried up semen. This may sound hard to believe, but apparently, it's all true.

I really, really hope Juicy Campus does not get blocked. Not because it's not a piece-of-shit stupid website, which it is. But 1) this is a Catholic school, and as soon as you open the door to blocking websites, freshmen are no longer going to be able to gather in the room of someone on their floor and watch a horse fuck a man to death. And 2) people around here really need to gain some skills for the real world, like being able to handle petty name-calling.

And as soon as we ask the administration to protect us from ourselves on the Internet, you're just opening the floodgates for these people to "protect us from ourselves" in other areas.

A little while back, I made a post about myself on Juicy Campus. The first reply was "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR," which is hilarious, of course, because I was loving my neighbor as myself, because I was talking about myself. The second reply was "agreed. dude is a total closet ass pirate." Now, I do not actually go around the small enclosed rooms of this university raping and pillaging our gays, but I decided to let it be.

Grow a pair, Georgetown. And use that pair to jizz on James Kelly's head, or, like I do, fuck every guy on campus as if it's your personal mission.

Shill! Shill! Shill!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hey look, it's a bunch of people you know shilling for U.S. News and World Report!

I was thinking we would win this with our next edition of Heckler Video, but look at 0:26. Yeaaaaaaah. The football team. Our football team is... yeah.

Via, umm, Saxa Speak? Apparently this blog has been around for over 200 years, but I had never heard of it. Thanks Will. Thill.

Let Loose the Dogs of Juicy Campus

Friday, September 12, 2008

As you have heard from the ads on Facebook, in between telling you you're gay, Juicy Campus has come to Georgetown. And not a moment too soon, I say, for things were getting too civil around here.

Already this thing has provided a great wealth of information. Such as these nuggets:

Fucking lobsters on your pants
Motherfuckers walking around in their vineyard vines polos, some gay
sunglasses and a visor. Stick your pale pink shorts up your urethra and
piss blood you fucking bitches. Yeah.

Interests: Roofies, GUGS, Busch Light, investment banking. Georgetown 09-12-2008 Tags: polo,bros,gugs

"I mean, like, I went to Taft and all but like I'm a chill
kid. Like I'm chill. I'm down to smoke bowls, drink, whatever. I
rock these sailing pennants on my shorts because I like, love to
sail you know?"

Fuck your clown colored top siders. Rock that shit clean or not
at all.

And fuck a bowl, get Blunted.

"Yeah what's up dawg, yeah man, we got kegs in the
back, liquor in the living room, and fucking sluts
EVERYWHERE!" Maaan, you shoulda been here tuesd--
YO WHAT UP BEN! -- yeah, anyway, that's my boy Ben,
he's fucking chill. You should chill with him. Yeah, I
mean shit gets pretty crazy here, yo gimme a

You piece of shit, I hope you get hit by a fucking bus.
I'd kill you myself but I'm too busy fucking your girl
is the browneye.

Fritz Brogan
i have heard rumors that the movie "music and lyrics"
was based on his life

James Kelly
James Kelly's hair isn't gray, it's Pat Dowd's dried up semen

Yes! Unfortunately, I have no idea who most of the people discussed here are. I guess I'm running with the wrong crowd. So, in my ever-present spirit of shameless self-promotion, I had to add my own contribution to Juicy Campus.

Looking for the Needle

Independence is around here somewhere, you just have to look hard enough.

Letters to University Administrators

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Read Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets. I think this is like the third article I wrote for The Onion, but it was put into this issue, which is made up of extra articles written before the staff's week-long break last week.

Struggling for content and inspired by Robert Popper of Look Around You, perhaps the greatest television program ever, I came up with this potential blog-post generator: writing stupid e-mails to random Georgetown bureaucrats.

Last night I wrote to Josetta Moore, who, according to the Dining website, is Food and Beverage Director. She is obviously bad at her job, because she has yet to respond, but if she does, I will share it later. Here's the e-mail:

Ms. Moore:

Hello. My name is Jack Stuef and I am the President of the Georgetown University Soft Drink Society (GUSDS), a small group of friends on campus who get together to share with one other our love of soft drinks. We're not SAC-funded yet, but we're working on it.

Anyway, I'm sure, as Food and Beverage Director, you are quite aware of the selection of soft drinks at your cafeteria, or, as you are now, a collection of restaurants inside a former cafeteria. I have to commend you on them. From Coke to Diet Coke to Cherry Coke, and, if we're feeling a little crazy, Sprite, your establishment has some of the best Coke products in the business, and soft-drink aficionados such as ourselves are more than happy to drink at Leo's together quite often. Every once in awhile your syrup-to-water ratios are skewed so badly that we have to spit our drinks out, but that is a rare occurrence, and we are used to performing such an action whenever we take club trips out to soft-drink tastings.

Unfortunately, I am sorry to say, we now have some problems.

First, I have to say our club had high hopes for The Diner, the new restaurant that has leased space from you on the bottom level. However, the owners of this restaurant have failed to meet our expectations. They seem to have gotten the decor correct, but the soft-drink service is lacking severely. We assumed, for one, that these restauranteurs would install a classic soda fountain in their new restaurant, because this is a diner, and everybody on campus knows how much our club enjoys a good retro soft drink. They did not. I can understand this, perhaps, because the cost of a soda fountain can be prohibitive (we are currently fund-raising for one of our own). However, if you can't even get a fountain and a proper soda jerk, I at least expect table service. The other day, I asked a rather large woman with glasses who was wiping off our table if I could get a waitress over to our booth so we could order some root-beer floats, but she just laughed at me. This was very disconcerting.

Now these restauranteurs may have quashed our hopes for The Diner, but at least I can count on Leo's traditional high-quality, right? WRONG. Ms. Moore, where have the blue cups gone? Those cups were the cornerstone of our experience at your former dining-hall. Now, with all of these restaurants, not only do we still have to procure beverages ourselves, but you have taken away our blue cups too? This is shameful. I know this, just like the removal of trays, is not just a way for your corporation, ARAMARK, to greedily keep costs down, but then why have you done this to us? I assume this has something to do with your corporation's heroic attempts to help the environment, but I can't figure out how. Please enlighten us.

Now I know Leo's is very popular (practically every freshman and sophomore I know has a meal plan!), but we think there are a few problems. We don't want to have to use our meals at one of your competitors' campus dining halls, so we hope we can reach a resolution on these matters.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Jack Stuef
Georgetown University Soft Drink Society

Heckler Blog Classic 1

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Hey blog readers,

Listen, real sorry about not posting. I thought I would be better at this. Somehow I've gotten back to Georgetown and become less in touch with what's going on. In order to give you new content, now that it seems nobody else on staff wants to write this blog, I've decided to recycle some old content! Heckler Blog Classic has been born!

Here's the deal: last summer I worked for Bill Richardson's presidential campaign in Iowa, but they wouldn't let me blog. I had to delete the handful of posts I had written before I started the job. However, BR has an Al Gore-style depression beard now and I have no prospect of a sweet job in the VP's office (Biden!), so let's bring them back from the dead.

One warning: I just realized I have become a much, much better humor writer in a year, though I was somehow much, much better at Photoshop back then. Also, nobody will probably remember what this post is referring to. Figure it out, you have the Internet!

Look for a new issue of the Heckler towards the end of this month/beginning of next month. Probably just online. And I'll try to make fun of The Hoya tomorrow, promise.

Shamu Speaks Out (5/24/07)

Cross posted on The Huffington Post.

There has been a great deal of controversy lately over what I said on the May 17th episode of The View. Here's the transcript:

SHAMU: I just want to say something. 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists?
HASSELBECK: Who are the terrorists?
SHAMU: 655,000 Iraqis — I’m saying you have to look, we invaded –
HASSELBECK: Wait, who are you calling terrorists now? Americans?
SHAMU: I’m saying if you were in Iraq, and the other country, the United States, the richest in the world, invaded your country and killed 655,000 of your citizens, what would you call us?
HASSELBECK: Are we killing their citizens or are their people also killing their citizens?
SHAMU: We’re invading a sovereign nation, occupying a country against the U.N.

Now, this is more than Donald Trump calling me fat. I am not going to swim here and let people attack me. People are saying that I am calling the troops terrorists. As you can see, I did not say that at all. I support the troops. Any doubters out there obviously have not seen my show "Believe." Though it makes no sense in the show, at the beginning, I salute members of the armed forces that are in the audience. Every time. You cannot attack me on this. If I wasn't in my right mind I would bite off the limbs of my naysayers right now. But that is not who orcas are. We are not "killer" whales. I may be an opponent of this war, but I will always protest against it peacefully and always in respect of our brave troops in the field.

Republican warmongers are saying celebrities like myself are out of touch on the war issue. But I say, look at the polls people! America wants to get out of Iraq, and if what I say can help do that (and I know it does), I am willing to make a splash.

We Can Finally Confirm DeGioia Cannot Write His Own Name

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

After a great deal of thinking, and after the astonishment of seeing at SAC Fair that not only does this blog have at least five readers, at least five readers came up and said they wanted it to continue, we have decided to do so. So I hope you can take the heat, Voice blog that writes about Georgetown in Latin.

The best news to come from our president in awhile: he just couldn't go get a pen and put in the effort to sign onto the Amethyst Initiative because, well:

“There are just more important issues of the day for me to be weighing in on at this point in time,” DeGioia said in an interview with THE HOYA on Wednesday. “We’re a nation at war, we’re having some real difficulties with our economy. There are just a range of issues on which I could offer my perspective and my engagement, and I just feel that right now my priorities have to be placed elsewhere.”
You have to admit, that's pretty creative of him.

It's tough to be DeGioia. People are constantly forcing him to develop plans to fix our economy and get us out of Iraq. If DeGioia wasn't in Baghdad shooting up insurgents, formulating ideas in Bernanke's office all day, or making the President's Office staff install flat-screen televisions in his house (ok, according to my source in there, that one's actually true), he would have time to deal with issues that might, you know, have something to do with students. I mean, he's not the president of some sort of school. He's the president of the war and the economy. A president of, if you will, the United States. These student publications that come into his office only want to talk about student issues, and they don't realize how he can't spend a few precious seconds to order someone to sign his name onto a document. If he wastes those seconds, it will be Armageddon. Not that I don't think he won't cause Armageddon eventually anyway.

I love how Todd Olson tells us what we already know to be the reason DeGioia's name won't be signed onto this. But isn't a little cliche by now for a balding, glasses-wearing, evil vice-president to control things behind the scenes and not let the president know why he's doing what he's doing?

But unlike the other guy, not only does Todd Olson sense the president is on his way out, he senses that he might be the one to replace him. I assume DeGioia will be here to perplex me for the rest of my time at Georgetown, but you heard it here first: a President Todd Olson in 2010. Hold your children close.

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