Inside the Heckler Vault

Friday, June 22, 2007

Here at Heckler Central, we take great pride in our absolute and unquestioned infallibility. Nevertheless, from time to time, an article submitted to our print issue finds itself revised or altered from its original state. This is the work of the Heckler's crack editorial team, whose members use draconian censorship as a means of disguising their shameful adult illiteracy.

What follows is the restored and digitally remastered version of our popular "Letters to the Heckler" column. Loyal readers will recall seeing it in our first print issue this year. Ha ha, seriously though, they won't recall seeing anything because they don't even exist. Holy Christ, I hate this job.

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Dear Heckler,
I loved your look at the new Democratic majority in Congress (“Donkeys Throw a Punch,” Jan. 2007). Those were some fascinating profiles! One question, though: are you absolutely sure Barney Frank cut the throat of that Malaysian hooker? I don’t remember hearing about that before.

Timothy Gleason
COL ’09

Barney knows what he did, Tim. This is between him and God now. Just remember: nobody runs forever, Mr. Frank. Nobody runs forever.

Dear Heckler,
I enjoyed your recent interview with Dakota Fanning immensely (“Our Biggest Fanning,” Dec. 2006), but I have to take issue with some of the techniques employed by your reporter. For example, although interviewers often try to “get a reaction” out of a celebrity, it was inappropriate to tell Dakota that her new puppy would “almost certainly die” unless she was nominated for an Oscar. Additionally, while I can sympathize with the writer’s frustration over Ms. Fanning’s seemingly boundless desire for more apple juice, calling the actress a “greedy little cunt” was probably out of line.

Laura McCallihan
SFS ’08

Are you kidding? That little bastard could pound juice boxes like they were cans of PBR. Why am I still arguing with you about this? God, this is just like my divorce.

Dear Heckler,
Hey guys. Great cover story on global warming last week (“Hot Enough For Ya?” Feb. 2007). I never realized how much of what we hear is just liberal “junk science”. The problem is, my friends keep telling me you’re wrong, and higher temperatures aren’t really caused by the muffled screams of Terri Schiavo. Some of them are even implying that I must be a phenomenal retard to believe this shit. Who should I trust?

Jeremy Rifkin
SFS ’07

Sorry to break this to you, Jeremy, but your friends are idiots. Believe what you want, but when your precious “scientist” friends at the New York Times launch their Beer Hall Putsch against America, don’t come crying to us for a brand new feeding tube.

Dear Heckler,
My girlfriend got me a subscription to your paper for Valentine’s Day. The first issue was funny, but there were Cheetos stains on a lot of the pages, and it looked like someone had drawn pornographic sketches all over the margins. Also, the whole issue smelled vaguely of cat urine. Are you guys doing something to my magazine?

Scott Tufnell
MSB ’10

It’s our policy at the Heckler to give each issue a personal touch. If that means engaging in marathon, six hour, Frito-Lay-fueled masturbation sessions to our own hand-drawn amateur smut, then that’s the sacrifice we’re willing to make. The cat piss thing we’re still looking into.

Dear Heckler,
Sometimes after I finish your magazine, I feel a deep sense of loathing for our modern secular culture, and a concern over the debasement of art by shallow proletarian pamphleteering. Why do you suppose this is?

Mitchell Sanders
COL ’09

You are reading the National Review. Please pay closer attention to your next newsstand purchase.

Dear Heckler,
What is wrong with you people? First it was the threatening letters, then the razor blades under my pillow, and now this thing about a dead Malaysian prostitute? I can’t even close my eyes anymore. Last night I saw one of your reporters hiding in my azalea bushes, and when I woke up there was horse blood on my carpet. My own mother won’t return my phone calls. Jesus, why are you doing this to me?

Barney Frank
Not Enrolled

Sorry, Mr. Frank, but it’s too late to apologize. Making enemies with the Heckler was your first mistake. Letting us see your ATM code was your second. Hold on tight, Mr. Frank. It’s going to be a wild ride.

Great Pick-up Lines

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Try this one on for size:

Baby, I'm like quicksand. The more you struggle, the harder it gets.

I've tried it three times and all three ended in me getting laid...with a rape indictment.

Alternate Histories

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Modern science informs us that today’s world is the result of thousands of years of so-called “history”. But what would life be like if humanity’s most pivotal moments had turned out differently?

Event: 480 B.C.: Spartans surrender at Battle of Thermopylae.
Result: Persians conquer Greece, wiping out the nascent arts of gyro preparation and anal sex. King Xerxes expands his empire to unknown realms, but cannot ease the aching loneliness in his heart. With help from a plucky palace orphan, he learns that true happiness must come from within. He announces this discovery in a heartwarming speech widely credited with teaching the world to love again.

Event: A.D. 33: Jesus escapes from the cross.
Result: Making a break from his bumbling Roman captors, the Son of Man reconvenes with his team of scrappy but loyal Apostles in downtown Nazareth. Realizing they have been set up, Jesus and his crew decide to turn the other fist on the biggest Roman of all: Tiberius “Big Papa” Caesar. Outside the Emperor’s apartment, James and Peter distract the local authorities, while Jesus crawls through a series of overhead ducts before dropping down on a shocked Tiberius in bed with his woman. “Render unto Caesar,” quips the Messiah just before delivering the fatal blow.

Event: A.D. 1492: Columbus turns back.
Result: Due to the explorer’s failure to overthrow prevailing scientific consensus, the Earth remains flat for an additional three centuries. Magellan expedition ends in horrifying (though highly predictable) tragedy. Native Americans are forced to waste time and energy spreading smallpox amongst themselves.

Event: A.D. 1865: Lincoln survives.
Result: Flush with the success of his recent Emancipation Proclamation, the thrill-seeking president spends the rest of his term engaging in ever wilder acts of public emancipation. He begins modestly, emancipating his dog Scooter from the corner of the White House sofa, but soon alarms the public with campaigns to emancipate children from their mothers, diabetics from their insulin, and women from their virginity. When a visibly wild-eyed Lincoln announces his plan for the nationwide emancipation of toilet paper from public restrooms, he is visited by the wise and plucky King Xerxes, who teaches him the important lesson that true friendship is God’s most precious gift. They hug as history ends on a freeze-frame.

Event: A.D. 1962: Mick Jagger turns down offer to join Rolling Stones.
Result: Hot rain falls up. Sea mammals begin to die in a baffling wave of extinction, while a strange virus leads to the elimination of all world religions. The Earth’s rotation is spontaneously reversed, causing Zombie Hitler to rise from his grave and conquer the Sudetenland. Beatles have #1 hit for 1965.

Event: A.D. 2006: Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff take each other’s lives in three-day New York shootout.
Result: World peace.

Hold Your Horses, They Finally Made a Barbaro Documentary

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Goddamnit! Why is this Barbaro shit still happening?? Last week HBO aired the first Barbaro documentary, entitled "Barbaro." For the love of god stop this shit. The first line of the New York Times review is: "Caution: Tears will flow." FALSE. Barbaro was a horse. He tripped, broke his leg, and was then executed because the family that owned him didn't want to pay for his upkeep any longer. Now, show me where the tragedy is. The real tragedy is that this documentary was made.

Now, let's just assume that the entire production cost for this documentary was about $100,000, which is a pretty conservative estimate, especially for an HBO documentary. After DVD sales and other commercial activity, let's assume that movie brings in another $100,000, which again I think is pretty conservative. That means the total amount of money involved in the film is about $200,000. Don't you think $200,000 could be spent more wisely than on a fucking horse? Now, think about this. According to the Doctors Without Borders website, for $50 you can buy crucial, life-saving vaccines for 50 people. That means that for the $200,000 spent on the Barbaro documentary, we could have given 200,000 people vaccines that they needed. Let's assume that even 1/4 of these people die, because they don't get these essential vaccines. That's 50,000 dead people. That blood is on Barbaro's hooves. But wait you say, Barbaro is dead, how could he have done this? Well, we have a name for people that are dead and yet still kill others: zombies. I've seen "Dawn of the Dead" so I say we take this whole Barbaro thing and shoot it in the fucking head and let it die once and for all. Amen.

Exclusive Heckler Interview with Barack Obama

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Heckler: Good afternoon Mr. Senator. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Barack Obama: Um, hi.
H: So I have a few questions for you, if that’d be alright?
BO: How did you get into my office?
H: Who’s interviewing whom here? [awkward silence] Haha I’m just kidding, I broke in through the back window. So let’s do this. Describe your ideal day.
BO: Well I think it would be spent doing something that I believed in my heart was making a significant difference in the lives of the American peop…
H: Great. Ok, if you could be an animal what type of animal would you be?
BO: To be quite honest, I’ve always admired grizzly bears for their high intellect and social commitment to each other. Did you know that when male and female grizzly bears start mating they…
H: Grizzly bear? Don’t you mean black bear?
BO: Why? Cause I’m black?
H: Well enough about you, let’s talk about your race.
BO: I am African-American.
H: You’re black. Now people say you’re black, are you black?
BO: Well yes if by that do you mean that the color of my skin is…
H: Now black, black, blackety black, black black?
BO: …is that a question?
H: You tell me. If you’re so black how come you’ve never released a rap album?
BO: That is blatantly racist and just offensive to assume that all black men are rappers.
H: Oh yeah? How about Jay-Z, DMX, Ludacris, and Eminem?
BO: They’re rappers.
H: And they’re black. Case closed.
BO: Eminem is white.
H: Only the outside…Anyways, the New York Times reported the other day that you play pickup basketball. Is that true or is that another vicious lie by the liberal New York Times in an attempt to subtly belittle you by implying that because you play basketball you are an authentic black male.
BO: I do play pickup basketball.
H: When is your rap album coming out?
BO: I’m not a rapper.
H: Now Joe Biden described you as “clean.” How accurate is that?
BO: Well how are you defining clean?
H: All I’m saying is, you’re black right?
BO: This interview is over.
H: Wait, wait. I have just a few more questions. Let’s move away from your race. Now your middle name is Hussein and you’re against the Iraq war. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: Your first name also rhymes with Iraq. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: And your last name rhymes with the last name of America’s most notorious enemy and the leader of Al Qaeda. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: That’s a lot of coincidences don’t you think?
BO: Not really.
H: Don’t you think if Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had a love child in Iraq, they’d name it Barack Hussein Obama?
BO: Are you trying to say Saddam Hussein, who’s dead, and Osama bin Laden who is hiding in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan, somehow copulated in Iraq to and I was the subsequent offspring whom they named by combining and subtly altering their last names and the location of their copulation?
H: No, but with proper editing I believe you just said that. Alright let’s wrap this up. One final question: People say you’re black. That seems important. How important is it that I can’t stop talking about how black you are? You’re so black!
BO: I really think the whole race issue has been blown out of proportion. If you want to judge me, do so by the content of my character and not the color of my skin. Dr. Martin Luther King said that forty years ago and I think it still holds true.
H: So do you hate American or are you just racist?
BO: Get out of my office.

Expert Recap of Tonight's Democratic Debate

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Candidates arrive; line up to receive "good luck" hugs from Nancy Pelosi.
Barack Obama appears at podium wearing only bow tie and snap-on pants. Opening statement consists of rhythmic nipple thrusting.
Larry King addresses first question to President Taft; asks candidates to state position on "the Spaniard situation."
After prodding from Wolf Blitzer, embarrassed candidates admit they have no idea who Chris Dodd is, either.
In an effort to prove her masculinity, Hillary Clinton crushes beer can against head, grabs crotch, shoves pelvis violently at camera.
Joe Biden praises Bill Richardson as, "literate," "well-scrubbed," and "surprisingly free of twirled mustaches." Repeatedly refers to governor as "Señor Taco."
During lull in questioning, John Kerry attempts to sneak on stage with homemade cardboard podium. Awkward silence ensues.
John Edwards shocks crowd by announcing withdrawal from presidential race to accept foreman position at local mill. Ha ha, just kidding. He hates poor people so much.
After "time's up" bell rings, Dennis Kucinich sprouts gossamer wings, disappears in cloud of pixie dust.
For closing statement, Mike Gravel brings live bear on stage, wrestles it into submission with own hands. Opinion polls declare him unanimous winner of debate.

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