Of Course We Have a Sandwich Named After Us

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I received a tip this summer from Heckler writer H.A.F. that Epicurean and Co. offers a sandwich named "The Georgetown Heckler." I assumed he must have either been mistaken or the sandwich consists of dog shit smeared on a half-slice of potato bread.

I went over to the restaurant today after picking up an internet adapter from UIS, and, wow, they actually did name a sandwich after us. And even better, out of all these sandwiches named after Georgetown stuff, we are the only campus publication to have one named after us. Take that, Georgetown Federalist. You may steal our layout design, but you can never steal our sandwich. Unless, of course, the Heritage Foundation or Second Stewards buy the naming rights for you, which they probably will.

There we are on the board, sandwich number C9, as you can maybe see from this grainy cellphone photo. And surprisingly, we sound like we taste pretty good. Fresh mozzarella, plum tomato, pesto, mixed greens, and fresh basil on focaccia bread.

I didn't buy one, because it's pretty expensive (a higher dollar amount, actually, than the net worth of its namesake publication), but please get one and let us know what we taste like.

Now this sandwich begs the question: Why is this what they imagined the Heckler would be like in sandwich form? Here's my interpretation of what each part represents:

  • Fresh mozzarella: Wearing Your Collar Down Is For Poor People, the piece that has by far gotten us the most traffic; it became an internet meme a few years ago and helped establish us as one of the better college humor magazines
  • Plum tomato: Administrator humor, nice and juicy
  • Pesto: Dick jokes, which have come in throughout our history to help the publication survive in lean times
  • Mixed greens: The occasional Onion-style national news items that make Heckler writers feel like they're writing something more than 5 people understand
  • Fresh basil: Alcohol, crippling depression, and other strong factors that allow us to write what we do
  • Focaccia: Justin Droms, Heckler founder and former editor of Cracked, who keeps this all together
And all of it is fresh, just like our satire. Or at least the stuff is only a couple months old.

Megabus Hates CollegeHumor

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I was trying to follow a link to a Zach Galifianakis interview, and I got hit with this:

Site blocked? Adult Themes and Lingerie/bikini? Why didn't they mention the annoying fratty humor? Or the nudity? And look, they even sell ads to annoy you even more with these pages.

Worse still, when I was trying to find a Galifianakis video to link to, it told me YouTube was blocked for "Video Sharing, Adult Themes." C'mon, YouTube?

Apparently Megabus is a lot more conservative about adult themes and bikinis and "video sharing" than it is about bootleg movies.

At least the Onion website, home to naked Joe Garden and other adult themes, is not censored.

The Return of Megabus Blogging

Just a half hour or so ago I wrapped up my fellowship at The Onion. I doubt I'll ever have such a good job again, but at least they're keeping me on as a contributing writer. That's right, guy sitting next to me reading this as I type (he just now turned away): I get to write jokes for beer and book money this year.

In a set of circumstances that can only be possible with Georgetown's Finest Humor Magazine, I got on the bus just moments ago to find my fellow Heckler editor Jon Rapoport, back from a year studying at Edinburgh and traveling the world, sitting on this very bus. If he can tear himself away from watching The Wire on his iPod—which is unlikely—I'll pass the laptop over for a double-team Heckler Megabus blogfest.

Back to Onion news, a few days back the Onion back-to-school issue went up online. You should check out the special features, for which I wrote a number of the jokes, and this news-in-brief item featuring a couple names you might recognize. Also, you may recognize the opinion headline as a bastardized joke about OAs from our new student guide.

I also wrote the SorCon article last week. It was my headline and article, and it's probably my favorite thing I wrote during the fellowship. Georgetown students are sure to enjoy it. Those hyper-ambitious douche bags.

Between The Wire and me having to write an Onion article before getting back to campus, I'm not sure there will be anymore Megabus blogging this time. But please enjoy this photo of Newark or some shit:

He did it again.

Monday, August 25, 2008

DeGioia fucking did it again:

in [sic] the tradition of the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, Georgetown President John J. DeGioia led new students in an exercise using colored dots to symbolize the world's population. Asking all 3,500 attendees to imagine they represent the 6.5 billion people in the world, DeGioia asked groups to stand based on stickers on their programs.
Seriously?! Write a new fucking speech! Holy shit. How many years in a row has he made this speech? 8?

Should we continuing running this piece I wrote last year until DeGioia gets forced out of office?

Oh wait, St. Ignatius used to stick colored dots on people's programs? Carry on.

Heaps and Heaps of Bailey

Friday, August 22, 2008

Today the world saw a brand new issue of The Hoya.

Let's trash it!

First up, "GU Enhances Safety Measures." What is this story? Well, basically it's that exact email that was sent last night to students from Rocky DelMonaco and Todd Olson. Seriously, Victoria Fosdal uses the exact terms from the e-mail that would seem most controversial: "enhance safety," "community-based," "protective equipment," "batons." Did she not notice that all of these words have been spun? Distance your self from your source a little bit. "Protective equipment" sounds nice, but what it means is DPS officers hitting drunk students this year, and not with gymnastics "batons," but with nightsticks.

Here's a line from the e-mail: "officers... have also undergone comprehensive training in the proper care, use, and storage of this protective equipment." Here's a line from the article: "officers had to undergo extensive training to learn how to properly care, use and store the equipment."

“We want to minimize the ‘us against them’ mentality,” Van Slyke is quoted as saying. I guess using the main campus newspaper to deliver your spin on things is the first step in that.

How about the opinion page? The editorial board uses the opportunity to take shots at the last DPS director while only saying "Van Slyke comes to Georgetown from the University of Mississippi and University of Texas with an impressive résumé" (We Deserve a New Safety Era). Apparently they didn't read this or the Voice blog yesterday (not that anyone does). And in the other op-ed on the subject, somebody tells students that they need to do everything the administration tells them to do about security (To Improve Campus Safety, Students Must Support Administrative Efforts).

Besides the usual new-student stuff, there are a couple other things in here. One is news of the Leo's renovations being completed. The headline (Leo's Completes Vowed Renovations) doesn't fit the fact that they didn't complete all the renovations they said they would even after scaling them back prior to construction. I'll let that slide, though, because the real crime of this article is what the staff of Leo's named these things. "Leo’s Downunder," "Pasta Palate," "Green Lite," "Stir-up the World," and, Jesus Christ, "DELIfully Fresh" is almost certainly the worst set of puns in the history of the English language. As a comedy writer, it will be much harder to go there without throwing up now, even though the odds were already pretty good.

Finally, more alcohol policy bullshit (Most Alcohol Amendments Accepted)! Again I think the positive tone is a little off the mark considering what's been done. Buried in here is the mind-numbing fact that Todd Olson is still making alcohol-infraction punishments more serious if there's a beer pong table around, and also this:

Finally, Olson maintained the current container policy that limits students to no more than two empty containers in the residence at any time. When asked whether empty cans or handles of alcohol constituted a container, Olson responded that a container was defined as "any container that is not a keg."

You'd better not have a lot of cups, bowls, Nalgenes, pots, teakettles, water pitchers, jars, Tupperware, storage bins, or other containers around. A container that is not a keg is a "container" according to Olson, and you can only have two of those in your dorm room.

Placeholder Of Record, Round 2



Happy Fucking Kent State Massacre 2

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hot on the heels of that Public Safety Alert comes a message from Rocky DelMonaco, Todd Olson, and Jeff Van Slyke. Who are these people, freshmen ask? Well, from the looks of things, they're shaping up to be sort of like that Batman—Commissioner Gordon—Harvey Dent trinity, except evil. Perhaps someone will be the Joker and eventually force them to compromise their morals and do something good for the students? My money is on DelMonaco to crack first, even though his name is Rocky, and even though Olson does not seem like he would be, you know, brave, if things got heated.

So what do we have in this e-mail? Well, it looks like Van Slyke is looking to replace our lovable bumbling DPS officers with "highly-qualified" killing machines as his first project. I guess that's not so bad. I mean, DPS officers aren't armed, so... Oh, he's giving them all nightsticks and pepper spray? Well, some students will probably end up in the hospital, but it's not like he's giving them AK-47s so... Oh, yeah. That thing. Well.

It's looking to be a good year for Heckler satire, at least.

I guess it's not exactly an AK-47. The one Van Slyke wants to use on students is green!

Happy Fucking Halloween

Hot damn, I love Public Safety Alerts. This new indecent exposure one is a real gem. But it's what is missing from this report that is really intriguing:

They pretend that this is an "unknown" white male, yet they have his exact license tag! I think it's obvious who this man is thanks to a little investigative reporting by the Voice today. Van Slyke may think he can just take off the hairpiece and get away with dangerous "security" tactics such as this, but we know better. This isn't Ole Miss.

Also missing from this report: how did the witnesses immediately react? Here is a man RAISING HIMSELF UP while DRIVING A MOVING VEHICLE AND THEN EXPOSING HIS GENITALS before putting them away and getting back down to drive quickly away. AND THEN HE DID IT AGAIN. And yet—there is no mention of these witnesses applauding him? No mention of them even throwing a tip his way? I mean, this should be in the Olympics!

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/18

This week marks my second-to-last headline list and last full week at The Onion. As much as I look forward to returning to campus next week and enjoying the "Welcome Back, Jack" event everyone puts together for me each year, I will certainly miss coming in each Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 10 or 11 to the office. And if anyone on the planning committee is reading this, my bus does not leave until about 4 Tuesday, so you should probably push the festivities back.

Two more headlines to report: Oh, No! Dirt Bikes! and Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe. "Oh, No! Dirt Bikes!" was something that came out of my mouth when I was talking to myself one day. I wrote it down but wasn't quite sure if I was going to say it at the headline meeting because it may be the stupidest thing ever put to paper. One person on writing staff ardently backed that sentiment, but she was ultimately shot down. She is the one on the writing staff with ovaries.

Week Eleven
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/18):

  1. Student Government In Turmoil Following Ropes Course
  2. Area Mom Suddenly Canning Everything
  3. Gorbachev Still Refusing To Tear Down Wall Around His Heart
  4. Fourth Graders' School Newscast Struggles To Maintain Objectivity
  5. Pretender To Throne Pretends To Like Working At Investment Bank
  6. Pretender To Throne King Of The Douche Bags
  7. OE: Is It Okay For Me To Come Out Of This Bunker I Went Into On 9/11?
  8. Olympic Spirit Limits Russia To Just One War
  9. Swarm Of Anti-Defamation Locusts Update Nation's Infrastructure
  10. Iraqi Insurgents Finish Up Practice Round
  11. MAG: Gruel, Rotten Meat Scraps, And Other Grim Recipes For Your Historically Mindful Labor Day Party
There were a couple other headlines that are being reworked.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/19):
  1. Pope Puts In For Promotion
  2. OE: Take Care Of This Planet Hollywood; It's The Only One We’ve Got
That second one almost got in, but it was decided that Planet Hollywood is too much of a punchline itself, and a hacky one at that. I have to agree, though it's unfortunate that that's the only good pun on "planet" there I could think of. I did get in one news-in-brief headline and another op-ed headline. This week I wrote an op-ed article that was on the backlog.

I'm also going to share rejected War For The White House headlines I've written so far, in chronological order and spaced apart by week:

  • Obama Boosts Commander-In-Chief Credentials By Conquering Germany
  • McCain Criticizes Obama For Not Visiting Munich, Auschwitz, Neuschwanstein Castle While In Germany
  • Struggling For Media Coverage, McCain To Announce A New Running Mate Every Day For Next Month Or So
  • Despite Last-Second Rescue, Half Of Obama's Face Becomes Disfigured In Factory Explosion
  • McCain Calls For Campaign To Be Fought On 1984 Election Issues
  • Leaked Obama Short List Shows Obama Thinks Kucinich Is Really Short
  • Clinton, Dole, Perot Considering Running In One Last Presidential Election Together
  • Area Man Withdraws Name From Vice-Presidential Consideration
  • Maliki Admits He Only Said He Supported Obama's Iraq Plan Because He Thought Obama Was A Muslim
  • McCain Denounces Sports Illustrated, J-14, Us Weekly, Nintendo Power, Barely Legal, Bird Talk, Sports Illustrated For Kids For Rejecting His Op-Ed Pieces
  • McCain Plays Uno Card
  • Vietnam Torture Card Falls Out Of McCain’s Sleeve
  • Former ‘SNL’ Host John McCain Goes On Several Television Channels To Call Obama ‘Celebrity’
  • McCain, Obama Announce Plans To Give Americans Rebate Checks For Reasons To Be Decided Later
  • Following Reception In Germany, Obama Calls For U.S. Empire-Building To Shift To Europe
  • McCain Following Obama Around Hawaii Trying To Debate Him
  • McCain To Vacation In Panama Canal Zone
  • Obama Spends Week Courting Crucial Grandmother Endorsement
  • Obama Gets Into Serious Surfing Accident After Obama Children Find Ancient Tiki Idol
  • Media Admits John Edwards Had Affair
  • John Edwards Realizes He Had Affair After Seeing Media Coverage Of Olympics, Conflict In Georgia
  • [Candidate] Chooses The American People To Be His Vice President
  • Rest Of Debates To Be Held At Giant Evangelic Churches Too
  • Slot Left Open For Ghost Of Reagan To Speak At GOP Convention
  • Shape Shifter Bob Barr Turns Into Cat At Cat Fancy Forum
  • Mike Gravel Settles For Local Lions Club Presidency
  • Evangelicals 'Close' To Figuring Out How To Re-Elect Bush Again
  • McCain Just Hoping To Make Election Close Enough For Supreme Court To Decide
  • Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Disappointed McCain Can't Make Their Ballroom Dance Competition
  • Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Create Series Of Pro-McCain Mamma Mia! Fan Videos
  • Report: Obama Not The Father Of Edwards' Mistress' Baby

Drinkin' Age

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Lookie here, over 100 of the nation's cool college presidents have signed onto this thing (warning: terrible website) calling for the drinking age to be lowered back to 18. Wait, where's DeGioia? I guess Todd Olson must have been so excited to send it in he accidentally threw DeGioia's letter in the fire.

Maybe he didn't sign it because Syracuse and Duke did? I think we can finally find some common ground on this issue, though.

Predictably the CEO of MADD, which is apparently, and thinking about it, appropriately, a business, is mad at this initiative. "They're waving the white flag," he says. Is this a war? I don't understand. How could a bunch of blacked-out students win a war? That's awesome, I suppose. I guess I can't be drafted now, because I'm already fighting a war by getting drunk every weekend in a private residence.

While MADD's at it, why are they sitting around and not trying to raise the drinking age again? Isn't that their job? Why not shoot for 30? Or 35? I mean, it would technically save lives, even if it ruins our culture and businesses.

Also, that picture is ridiculous. I wonder how CNN views underage drinking.

Placeholder of Record

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm pretty sure the Vatican is going to force this down soon. That hug has gone on for months.

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/11

I wasn't sure if I should even put these up because they're just terrible. I guess I had an off week in writing headlines. I just could never get into the groove of it last weekend.

Week Ten
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/11):

  1. Tootsie Roll Bag Found In Junk Drawer Saves Woman’s Life
  2. Animals Of The Forest Begin Preparations For Ramadan
  3. Three Die Trying To Reach Annual Everest Climbers Summit
  4. Bush Still Hanging Around Olympic Village
  5. Child’s First Steps Into Grand Canyon
  6. Motivational Speaker Slips In Message While Teaching Everyone The Moonwalk
  7. Good Morning America Viewers Demand Robin Roberts Go Through Cancer Treatment Again
  8. Scalia Loudly Eats Tortilla Chips During ACLU Lawyer’s Argument
  9. OE: Despite What The Media Wants You To Think, Not All Penguins Wear Adorable Scarves
  10. OE: Perhaps I’ve Been Listening To Too Much Ray Charles (by Vladimir Putin)
  11. OE: My Inoffensive, Pro-Establishment Rapping Is Really Taking Me Places
  12. MAG: Smash Mouth: Still “All Stars” In Their Own Way
  13. MAG: How To Make Rachel Ray’s Favorite Ethnic-Food-Inspired Recipes
  14. MAG: Installing A Pond In Your Back Yard In A Last-Ditch Effort To Make Yourself Happy
I apologize for you reading those. Usually I like all of the headlines I pitch, but these were just desperate. Looking back, especially 9 makes me cringe, and I wrote that one because I couldn't stop watching this video last Sunday. I actually kind of liked 2; that comes from this video. Apparently I couldn't come up with a Snow Miser / Heat Miser headline that wasn't a lame global warming joke.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/12):
  1. Second Graders Find Used Condo On Playground
  2. OE: I Guess They’re Only Giving Rhodes Scholarships To Total Assholes
  3. OE: Ask An Advertisement For A Cleft Lip Charity
No headlines got in this week. I wrote one news story.


As my time at The Onion is in its final weeks, so nears the end of the Heckler summer blog. Will we continue into the school year? I'd like to, because there are always campus issues and news items I want us to satirize that can't make it into the regular paper. However, considering our track record, it is unlikely.

This week in The Onion I wrote the Jackie Chan op-ed that I pitched as a headline a couple weeks ago. I watched all of Chan's movies in junior high, and I think my love of him comes through between the fun being poked.

Here's a graf that got cut that may have just been funny to me because I took Chinese Religious Thought for my second theology course:

There is an old Chinese fable I always tell these kids. One day, a peasant came up to Confucius. “I am sick of wearing my black vestment,” the peasant said. “It has been a whole week since the emperor’s concubine died. Who made you the vestment boss?” This angered Confucius; however, Confucius backed down from fighting him. “I will let you wear whatever vestment you want from now on,” he said. The peasant was stunned. Confucius had never let anyone break one of his analects before. The peasant went happily back to his family and put on a red vestment. The next day, however, Confucius told the emperor that he had seen a peasant undermining the emperor’s authority by not wearing a black vestment. The emperor sent for the peasant and had him tortured and killed in front of his troops, giving them the pride and morale to defeat a rival army and win the emperor and his advisor Confucius all the land and riches of the region.

Also, we've officially started the new content I mentioned a few weeks back, web-only War For The White House news briefs. I will continue to be part of this project after I return to Georgetown. You can see our first item here. That's my headline, and the article was written by the (acting) editor-in-chief Joe Randazzo. He originally put my last name in there for the Georgetown professor, but I had him change it to Sam DeCanio, a professor I took last semester, who was fitting considering the satire of the article. Take him if you get a chance.

Let the Freshman Douche-Baggery Commence

Friday, August 08, 2008

via Wonkette

Hot damn. Thank God this kid in a prom tuxedo, a "student of politics and history" according to the video description, is going to follow the tradition of Martin Luther King, Jr. by being a Republican and fetishizing tanks. (Yeah, if you didn't know, King was a Republican. You may have been confused by John F. Kennedy releasing him from prison, King voting for JFK and LBJ and denouncing Barry Goldwater, Republicans like Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms who didn't see quite eye-to-eye with King, and pretty much all civil rights activists and black people being Democrats.)

I assume Shawn Summers will follow King's example of violence and his own preference for war by joining the ROTC, right? According to his Facebook profile, he plays this fantasy online war game.

He also made a Facebook group for himself to help win this contest. He made sure to say his name in the group description "so you know it's me and not a hoax." Why would anyone think this video is a hoax, Shawn? You represent yourself so perfectly.


Who is Shawn Summers? Let's look at his Facebook photos!

I really hoped this one was a hoax. His YouTube name is "jedimaster51090," however.
At right, as a child...
Playing piccolo in his high school marching band....
In drama club...

Well, we can all see exactly what kind of Republican Shawn is, so it's kind of hard not to feel some compassion for him now.

Unfortunately, he won't win this contest. There's a 13-year-old misinformed geek who is already wearing a flag pin on the collar of his polo shirt. Sweet visuals!

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/4

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Today I turned 20. That hurts. But things are busy as ever for me at The Onion, with only a few more weeks left to go.

Week Nine
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/4):

  1. Obese Teen’s Dream Of Finally Starring In School Play Quashed By Fatsuit Tevye Idea
  2. Recently Divorced Man Returns To Bar To Find Self Only One Drinking Zima
  3. Fourth-Grader Knowingly Asks Teacher What Swear Word In Reading Book Means
  4. Tourists Disappointed To Find No Restaurant In Wall Hole
  5. Studies: Magic Johnson AIDS Death Rate Remains At 0%
  6. People’s Liberation Army Shoots Olympic Spirit Into Protesters
  7. Next Mummy Movie Just Brendan Frasier Standing In Front Of A Green Screen For 70 Minutes
  8. OE: I Also Did It Frank Sinatra’s Way (By Michael Bublé)
  9. OE: If They Won’t Give You Roles Anymore, Sometimes You Just Have To Make Stuart Little 4 Yourself (By Geena Davis)
  10. Beatles Parody Band Needs “Help!” With Their Medicare Prescription Drug Forms
  11. Report: Foreclosure Rates Starting To Help Alleviate U.S. Ghost Overcrowding
  12. MAG: We Sit Down With Kirk Cameron And The Angel Gabriel To Discuss Their Latest Book (pic of Kirk Cameron sitting next to empty chair)
  13. MAG: Fun Summer Recipe Ideas That Will Momentarily Keep Your Mind Off Your Child’s Autism
  14. MAG: The Winners Of Our “Win A Date With A Jonas Brother And His Parents” Contest
  15. MAG: The All-Sudoku-Puzzle Issue
Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/5):
  1. Aria Sung By Crazed Opera Character After Murdering Her Husband Used To Class Up Audi Commercial
  2. Bush Orders Deployment Of Afghanistan To Iraq
  3. Website Designer To Go With Silhouette Of Crowd Waving Their Arms In The Air
  4. MAG: What Your Children Would Have Looked Like If You Had Them With Patrick Dempsey Instead

One headline got in the paper this week as a full article, and I'm writing it. Another got in as an op-ed.

Num Num Num Num Num

Monday, August 04, 2008

Community Celebrates Feast of St. Ignatius

I hope that Ignatius they ate tasted good!

We lions sure love that hickory-smoked flavor you can only get with the first Jesuit. That's the truth — NO LION!

Really though, Ignatius, if you didn't want people to think your flesh was delicious, you shouldn't have given all your lectures while lions were chewing on your limbs. You were bound to be depicted that way.

Bonus points to the lion on the right for eating his Ignatius upside down and holding on with just one hind leg. NICE FORM!

I will now be smitten by the Catholic Jesus for this. Sorry, Jesuits.

EDIT: Apparently that picture from Google is of another St. Ignatius, one who got himself eaten up by some lions in a coliseum, and not the Jesuit one. However, I'm still not convinced it's not the same guy. First, I'm pretty sure Catholics wouldn't make more than one guy named Ignatius a saint, no matter how good he is, because that would be too confusing for them. Second, wrestling lions in a giant stadium has been the official sport of Jesuits for centuries. Go to Multi-Sport Field at 4 AM on a Thursday and you'll see them. Considering there's no information on Ignatius of Loyola's death on Wikipedia, and I'm sure Dan Brown would back me up on this, I'm almost certain the whole thing's a cover-up. Ignatius of Loyola died wrestling a lion, but the Jesuits wanted to continue doing it, so they said that the body was of another guy named Ignatius and, panicking, canonized him a second time just in case. Also, I will burn in Catholic Satan's Hell doubly for this edit.

Utter Self-Neglect

Saturday, August 02, 2008


That's me. The headline and article were written by Matt Morrison, the other Onion writing fellow, based on his own sad life. I mean c'mon, you don't really think I'm a "Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect" guy, right? I can't even get a date.

I was able to keep that jar of peanut butter, by the way. Unlike this slob, I fold up pieces of bread and stick it in the jar and eat it instead of sticking a spoon in there. I don't own a spoon or fork, and there was only a knife in this apartment when I got here.

Now that this is up, I realize I really should have told the graphic editors to photoshop out the Georgetown stuff. The administration is totally going to see this photo of me in a shirt bearing the university's name, they're going to sue The Onion, and I'm going to be out of a job. Fuck.

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