Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Check out Issue 2 at


Saturday, September 30, 2006

For those of you who like what you read on this blog, be sure to check out our main website for our brand new issue.

Good Lord

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Penis Transplant Removed After Two Weeks

Sudoku Is Not Addictive

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A lot of people have been getting into that game sudoku recently. I have a friend who keeps telling me to try it. He keeps telling me how addictive it is. I tried to explain to him that heroin is addictive, sudoku is stupid.

The New Anti-Abstinence Ad Campaign

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Household Hooker Tip #6

Monday, August 28, 2006

You may often find yourself with a desire to fornicate with more than one hooker at a time. Copulating with two hookers is often known as a mènage-a-trois, and is derived from the French for "armpit hair wine frog." Two hookers can be double the fun, but paying for them can often be pricy. Instead, try this recipe for success: 1) Drink gallon of grain alcohol/bathtub gin. 2) wait a few minutes. Magically one hooker will become two. For those of you into twin sex (sex with twins, you idiot) this will also work. This strategy is possible with non-hookers as well, but the alcohol induced near-death beating that is almost sure to come after the sexual act is complete is less well received by non-hookers, and often frowned upon by the local populace and law enforcement agents.

Does anyone else have a problem with the new Pepto Bismol slogans?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Check out the yellow highlighted slogans for Pepto Bismol and Children's Pepto. Someone working for Pepto Bismol's ad campaign is one sick motherfucker (and possibly a pedophile).

I. Saw. It.

Monday, August 21, 2006

For those of you who have been living in a hole for a while (read: fetuses) there's this tiny little indie film called "Snakes On A Plane," with some black dude, Denzel Washington or that old one I saw at the Oscars once (Sidney Portnoy? Was he Jewish?). Well, I saw it. That's it. I fucking saw it. For those of you who haven't, I, the personification, in blog form, so I guess the blogsonification (that's trademarked) of the Heckler, endorse this movie. It is a good motherfucking movie, and I don't mean you should fulfill your sick, carnal, Freudian oedipal complex while this movie is kicking ass. Try to wait until after the movie for that. The point is, you should see it, and I am in no way being compensated by the great and humble New Line cinemas for encouraging those of you who are stupid enough to listen to a college humor blog to go see it. But see it. Trust me. And when you go see it, here are a few tips I learned from my movie going experience and would like to share with you:

1. Smoke 5 joints - Now I'm not going to say you have to do this, but I will say you will probably be the only ones in the theater who haven't. Not to mention that only after 5 joints will you be the slap-happy, mindless retard for whom this movie was focus-grouped into existence. Plus, you'll get the movie. Trust me, this is a social commentary with subtle undertones that only the glory of ganja brings out.

2. Purchase snake on a stick toy - This is a must. It will only get funnier as you get higher. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. Use it to hit people during the movie. When children ask where you got it, point to your pants and then sucker punch them.

3. Combine 1 and 2 - (pictured above)

4. Start slow clap - In the absurd and irrelevant opening sequence of an awesome biker rocking out on the highway (so cool!) to a sweet and mellow Jack Johnson song slowly and surely begin to slap your hands together creating a rhythmic sound known as "clapping." I assure you the audience will catch on (and they did, I swear). Soon the whole audience will be swaying and clapping to the beat as you continue to irrelevantly watch a biker do stupid tricks, when all you want to see is venomous snakes and black people yelling "motherfucker." Warning: Be careful not to get too into the opening sequence music. Make sure you do not ask your friend for his lighter, hold it up, light it, sway and start screaming, "I have made fire!" The theater will ask you to leave.

5. There is no subliminal advertising pepsi - Immediately after the movie, or even during it, do not resist the strange temptation to buy certain products, e.g. Red Bull, Pepsi, Dominos, Playstation, etc. This is not because these brand names are repeatedly flashed across the screen or yelled by characters (Samuel L. Jackson does not yell "All praises to the playstation"). I repeat, it is not because of this. Just buy Red Bull. Lots and lots of Red Bull. No reason.

6. Be sure to catch 9/11 shout-outs - like when the snakes commandeer beverage carts and ram them into the barricades built by the people (I swear to God I am not making this up) to keep out the snakes. You should pity those poor innocent snakes who got on that plane not knowing what was going to transpire. I think if the movie teaches us anything, it's that under extraordinary circumstances, even snakes can become heroes. Fun fact: the movie was also originally supposed to be called South Pacific 121 (sound a bit like another movie?). Most people didn't notice this, but if you listen carefully you can hear one of the attractive, physically fit snakes hiss out, "Let'ssss roll" right as they ram the carts into the people. Actually, that might have been the weed.

7. Wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...

8. Hold your peepee cause you gotta go so bad and wait for it...wait for it...

9. Goddamn is he ever gonna say this line?

10. "Enough is enough, I want these motherfucking snakes off of my motherfucking plane!" Yes! You fucking tell them Denzel!

11. Go home.

12. Wake up the next day. Repeat.

Madonna: The Next Jesus?

Friday, August 18, 2006

Madonna is taking a lot of flak again for her performance in Germany during her "Confessions" tour. She rigged up a giant cross which she crucifies herself on while wearing a crown of thorns. The German people are very upset, and if there's anyone that knows that it's inappropriate to make fun of executing people, it's Germany so I thought about giving them to benefit of the doubt on this one. The Roman Catholic Church is pissed off, claiming that Madonna is mocking Christianity. But in reality, isn't imitation the best form of flattery? I say kudos to Madonna for doing what I've always wanted to do: strapping herself to a giant replica of an ancient execution tool and singing about being a whore. Isn't that what Jesus would have wanted? And anyways I don't know what the Catholic Church is all pissed off about, this kind of makes me want to believe in Christ. I mean, I've seen some of those pictures of Him, not so flattering. Madonna? I'd fuck her. Jesus? Fuck no. I mean, afterwards he'd get all preachy and stuff and probably want to cuddle. "You don't want to cuddle? But I died for your sins!" Shut up Jesus, I'm tired. Madonna's more of a wham bam thank you mam kind of gal, and I dig that. She's kind of an in-your-face-sex-you-up Jesus, which, personally, I think is a welcome change from that scrawny little Jesus I'm always seeing. Jesus needs more sex appeal. Boobs, to be specific. Maybe some guns. A leather coat. Yeah, that's good. Dark sunglasses. Basically, I want the terminator, but with boobs. Like the female terminator from T3. I've practically got a hard-on right now. Goddamn Jesus is hot.

From the Archives: Top 15 Things You Never Want To See Your Roommate Doing

Thursday, August 17, 2006

1. Crying
2. Masturbating
3. Crying and masturbating
4. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you
5. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you that he took while you were sleeping
6. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you that he took while he thought you were sleeping but really you were awake and extremely uncomfortable (just don’t do it again Will)
7. Doing it again
8. Eating a puppy
9. Claiming it was for Chinese new year
10. Reading the Map of Love
11. Feasting on the flesh of the living
12. Massaging your scalp looking for your horns
13. Burning a cross at the head of your bed “to get better lighting”
14. Dropping a 9/11 joke
15. Being pissed off that you dropped a 9/11 joke.

Google Searches That Have Led To This Blog

Thursday, August 10, 2006

We have a stat tracker that allows us to see what google searches link to our blog. Here are a few of the best ones we've seen so far:

"Mao Zedong is a fag" - Below the belt Falun Gong, below the belt. I'd expect this from Taiwan, but not you.

"Play with my schlong" - I'm glad someone is searching for this. I'm even gladder that this blog comes up in that search.

"Ferrets skate snakes on a plane" - I don't even know...

"Christa Faust" - Author of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel - see Get This Motherfuckin' Book On Yo Motherfuckin' Shelf. I list this one only because I am absolutely convinced that this is Christa Faust googling herself, and that is fucking hilarious.

Fuck Carlos Mencia

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I fucking hate Carlos Mencia. Every time a commercial for his show comes on, a child dies somewhere in the world. I am more likely to laugh watching C-Span 3 than Mind of Mencia. There is nothing even remotely humorous about listening to a half-German and half-Honduran dickhead yell the word "Beaner." That's right, he's not even Mexican. He is half-German, which explains why he's an unfunny, racist piece of shit. And don't give me this bullshit about how he's "too edgy" for me. I hate that even more. Every time he comes on TV to explain why he's light-years ahead of the rest of us in his un-PC humor, I uncontrollably punch through my television, which is becoming a rather expensive habit. Carlos Mencia is the least clever, least funny human being on television. I refuse to even use the words "comic" or "comedian" in the same sentence as his name because that would indicate that he makes even the slightest attempts at humor, which he does not. If he really thinks that yelling "dee dee dee" in reference to mentally retarded people is going to trigger the biochemical interaction that causes a rhythmic expulsion of gas known as laughter, he ought to be castrated. I have yet to meet a single person who finds him or his show funny (I puked after watching five minutes of his stand-up special). If anyone knows of anyone, a brother, father, sister, relative of any sort, dog walker, homeless person, anyone at all that finds Carlos Mencia funny please e-mail with their name, number, address, sleeping habits, allergies, diseases they are susceptible to, and any other information that might be useful. Let the search begin!

"So You Want To Be A Big Time Serial Killer" Part 1: Picking A Sweet Name

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

First of all, on behalf of the International Killers and Eliminators Association, congratulations on choosing to become a serial killer and thank you for requesting IKEA’s award-winning series “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Serial Killing But Were Advised Against Asking By Your Lawyer.” Everyone here at IKEA is very excited for you and your family. Serial killers have a long and proud history, dating back to the very first serial killer, God who smote the entire villages of Sodom and Gomorrah. Impressed yet? You will be. Other serial killers include Jack the Ripper, who killed hookers (how fun!), David Berkowitz, whose dog told him to kill people (the real sign of a man’s best friend), Hitler, who killed 6 million Jews (dubious but we give him the benefit of the doubt), and even Larry the Cable Guy, who killed laughter. Yes, you’re in good company my friend. You chose wisely.

The first step to becoming a famed serial killer is choosing a name. For a lot of serial killers this is a real stumbling block. Fear not, though, with IKEA’s few simple tips, you’ll be right on your way to making a name for yourself, literally!

Step 1: Choose your favorite board game/pop culture reference/drink
Reporters and detectives love catchy names for serial killers. They’re like a free publicity firm working around the clock just for you. Half of the work is done for you, so you are free to plot your next victim. The only thing you need to do is place the appropriate items, phrases, and/or pictures in order to help guide your trackers to the perfect name. Board games provide interesting and memorable names for a professional such as yourself. For example, Jigsaw from the popular movie “Saw.” You can try other mind numbing games built for losers as well, like Ouija Board, Candy Land, or Clue (how appropriate!). Other fun ways to get attention include using pop culture references in order to allow for simple but humorous puns. For example, imagine decapitating your victims and replacing their heads with Pokemon. You could become the Mew-tilater after the famous Pokemon Mew. Or you could strike only at attractive upper middle class white girls and be the Teeny Bopper Bopper. Or better yet, you could kill your wife and call yourself O.J. After the drink silly.

Step 2: Adjust your killing method
Once you’ve selected your kickass name now you need to adjust your method of forceful euthanasia. For example, Jigsaw used to remove jigsaw puzzle-like pieces from his victims. This is very complicated and requires patience and skill. Instead, try stapling a Ouija Board to each of your victims’ heads. That one’s a little more obvious. I already gave you the Pokemon suggestion and, well, dousing your wife in orange juice is a pretty good way to nail that sweet name. Or, if you’re going for subtlety, leave a picture of the Buffalo Bills running back during the 1973 season.

Step 3: Have fun!
Well this one pretty much explains itself, right Jimmy? Jimmy was my next door neighbor who used to complain about the “ruckus” I made sacrificing stolen Panda bears to the god Ventrus Maximus who demanded rare animal sacrifices from the Bronx Zoo lest I be turned into a flaming pool of monkey urine for eternity. Monkey pee? Monkey do what Ventrus Maximus tells me to do. Now Jimmy just hangs around in my apartment, literally! Don’t forget, the sky’s the limit for us serial killers. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be creative. The greatest risk is not taking one. And remember, if they catch you, tell them your dog told you to do it (you can thank David later).

Stay tuned next week for: How to create numerical and literary references as clues designed to baffle the public but slowly come together for one roughneck cop who's lost his faith in humanity, but still has a heart of gold.

What A World

Thursday, August 03, 2006

If I could be serious for a moment, for the past few weeks we have all witnessed the violence in the Middle East escalate. Hundreds of innocent Lebanese and Israelis have died in the violence, not to mention the countless others that have died in the seemingly endless cycle of violence in that part of the world. But on top of all of that, tragedy struck London for the second time in two years, as the Associated Press reported. A guard dog ripped apart a rare collection of teddy bears, including one that Elvis had once briefly owned. I...I don't even know how such a disaster could happen. It seems as if in this apocalyptic post-9/11 world no one is safe anymore, not even our most sacred teddy bears. If I may suggest it, at 2:55 pm, the time the Associated Press article was filed, if we could all take a moment of silence and remember the lives of these teddy bears. The carnage of 8/2 must never be forgotten. Hundreds of bears were chewed up by Barney the guard dog. "Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor." Oh the humanity. I think I can still hear the bears screaming for help and the tearing of their seams, white stuffing oozing out and silent tears of our fluffy brethren. Damnit, I'm welling up again. Let us remember Mabel, Bobby, Farry, Mr. Fluffles, Dinky, One-Eyed Jimbo, Mr. Dingles, and the dozens of others who perished, victims of the war on terror. May God have mercy on all our souls.

Free Gibson!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The LAPD is at it again folks. That corrupt police force has arrested an innocent man and are brutally beating and sodomizing his career. They look at this beautiful man and all they see a batshit insane anti-Semite. But he is so much more than just that. He also makes movies. And, he talks to God. Mel Gibson is arrested and all of a sudden there is a massive, fatal heat wave? Coincidence? I don't think so. God is angry people. Release him LAPD, or else God is going to smoke him out with this fucking heat wave. Sure he was driving under the influence...the influence of God. God made him do 130 on the highway. And it was God who made him ask the cop if he was Jewish and inform him that "the Jews for every war in the world." If anyone knows these kinds of things, it's God. If you disagree, go ahead and take it up with the Big Guy. You want to punish Mel Gibson for delivering God's holy message? You want to punish Mel Gibson, who spreads the word of God through mildly covert anti-Semitic Jesus porn? That's fucked up, and I don't blame God for unleashing his wrath. You smell that? That's not garbage stewing in the triple-digit degree weather. That's the smell of God's anger...and Satan's taint.

Great Musings

Monday, July 31, 2006

People say that money makes the world go round, but if you drink enough of them, beer cans also make the world go round.

Movies Inspired By "Snakes On A Plane"

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Alpacas On A Lawnmower

Possums On A Skateboard

Ferrets On A Rocketship

Lakes On A Plain

Motherfuckers On A Motherfucker (Just imagine: “Get these motherfuckin’ motherfuckers off my motherfuckin’ motherfucker!”)

Breaking News: He Got Gay!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Another blow to the traditional family values that the Georgetown Heckler has always tried to uphold. Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, Lance Bass, former member of the all boys group 'N gay. That's right, it's official. He has come out of the closet. You may remember Lance as the 'N Sync boy who attempted to become an astronaut several years ago. It seems now, though, he has decided to fill another black, vacuous, empty space. Who would have thought a high pitched, singing, dancing sissy would turn out to be gay? Certainly not us here at the Heckler. I mean, look at this picture. Look at it! Does that look like a gay man to you? I'm scared. Real scared. Cause if it could happen to Lance, it could happen to anyone. A real loss for all the ladies out there. On the bright side, us men finally have a shot at him. Not that we'd want it, but...if we were gay...even though we're not...he's a straight way...I would bone him. Remember, it's not gay if you close your eyes and then deny it/admit you didn't like it/marry Katie Holmes.

In other HomoNews, Ann Coulter, America's favorite crazy person, announced last night in an MSNBC interview that she believes President Clinton is a "latent homosexual." I think she may have a point here. After all, what's gayer than getting head from a woman in the oval office? I certainly can't think of anything. I would let Lance Bass ram me in the ass long before I ever received oral "pleasure" (if you can even call it that) from a woman. You know why? Cause I'm not gay. I don't even own a closet, so even if I desperately wanted to come out of it, I wouldn't be able to. That's what real men do.

Lance, call me. Please. I'm lonely.

Get This Motherfucking Book On Yo Motherfucking Bookshelf

Monday, July 24, 2006

Big, big news people. The picture you are looking at is me holding my official, authoritative copy of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel. That's right, you heard me. I was in Barnes and Nobles today perusing the existentialists and getting a hard on, when I came across this masterful work of art. Immediately I knew it was the eighth wonder of the world. Fuck off Colosseum because this is 405 pages of wet your panties Snakes On A Plane In A Book action. Hold onto your booklights cause this "novelization," is pure dyn-o-mite! If I may be so kind as to share a random selection I came across just opening the book:

"When snakes fell out of the ceiling, Curtis and Tommy tried to hide in the narrow space between two seats where feet normally go. Curtis was really too tall to completely fit so he tried to squeeze himself into as small a space as possible. He could feel Tommy's body pressed up against his back, shivering. Curtis could see a guy lying on the ground in the aisle not more than a foot away and though he couldn't be completely sure, Curtis thought maybe the guy was dead. Not dead like in the movies where he would just get up and go have some coffee as soon as the director said cut, but really forever dead like Grandma Cooper and Tommy's goldfish and Tupac Shakur. There was also a lady throwing up in the seat across the aisle. A snake had bitten her on the neck just like Dracula and she was puking all over herself and banged her head on the wall, the window, and the seat in front of her...Curtis liked horror movies and gory video games...Tommy was way more sensitive. He couldn't watch nature shows because he felt sorry for the gazelles when the lions ate them. He even felt bad when villains died on TV and not just the big boss villain but the henchman too. In short, Tommy was a big pussy" (196-197).

Holy fucking shit that was intense prose. How is this not required reading in high school already? This may seem bold, but I'm just gonna go out there and say it. Given what I've read so far, which is just that passage and the author bio, I think we're looking at the next great American novel. Fuck Hemingway, fuck Fitzgerald, fuck Salinger, cause Christa Faust just bit their fucking heads off and digested them whole. As long as we're on the subject, I think it's important that you learn about the next great American writer, Christa Faust. "Born in New York City in 1969, Christa Faust...has a fondness for vintage high heels and Mexican wrestling." I will marry this woman. She is also the author of Final Destination 3: The Novel. I can't even believe how awesome this woman is. She is such a great writer, that she doesn't even need to think of plots. She just takes shitty movies and "novelizes" them. I bet you're sitting there right now fisting yourself over how stupid you were to not come up with this idea first. Too bad, because Christa Faust already did it. Anyone could have done it, but she did do it, and for that I thank her and declare her an American hero. Go out and buy this book unless you want the terrorists to win.

Household Hooker Tip #5

Friday, July 21, 2006

Hookers are a lot like Chinese food. If you leave the remains in the fridge for over a month, your whole apartment starts to smell. Try to find a better place for storage, like a furnace or a six foot deep pit I dug in my neighbor's backyard.

From the Banned Archives of Dr. Seuss: Hop On Pot

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Timmy is waiting with nothing to do
Maybe, he thinks, I’ll go take a poo
But then comes a knock on Timmy’s front door
Thank goodness for anything to ease up the bore
He opens the door and finds his friend Jimmy
Hey Jimmy, says Timmy, who lets him on in
Jimmy just smiles and shows him a tin
The tin has great colors of blue and of yellow
Says Jimmy to Timmy, “Time to get mellow”
Timmy’s excited, his face starts to glow
This is the shit that Jim’s mom likes to grow
Inside the can is all the sweet jeeby
And Jimmy is offering it all as a freebie
Timmy is happy, he starts to shout
And jump up and down and all about
I would smoke it in a house
I would smoke it with a mouse
I would smoke it in the rain
I would smoke it flying a plane
Enough of this ranting, take out the dope
Are your parents coming home? No I hope
Put on some music cause that shit’s amazing
Whenever you’re blazing and dazing
And then onto lazing, how bout his phrasing
Go grab the bong and I’ll pick a song
Says Jimmy, as Timmy just starts run
Oh my goodness, cries Timmy, oh what such fun
“Bong of Solomon” is what Timmy brings back
Along with some chips for a post-reefer snack
What a name for a bong, it’s really quite queer
Fuck that we just got all literary up in here
They hit on the bong, it’s really quite strong
And Jimmy yells out, “I can’t feel my schlong!”
They both start to giggle, they’re fucking high
They’re laughing so hard they both start to cry
Now the music is Marley and it’s a sweet jam
Goddamn! They’ve got the munchies for green eggs and ham
But alas I can’t write anymore of this crap
I think I’m going to go take a nap
Please just leave me alone, no calls
Cause right now Seuss is fucking tripping balls

Pornos You'll (Probably) Never See

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Black Cock Down*: The heart-wrenching story of a large black man with erectile dysfunction, who has to defy all the odds to get laid.
Catchphrase: He wants to get down with the ladies, but first he's gotta get up.

Schindler's Piss: It's August of 1943 and Schindler's hiding hundreds of hot, young, nubile Jews in his factory. But they're about to learn that when Schindler says, "Urine for a treat," he means it. Based very, very loosely on a true story.
Catchphrase: This time the Jews are being sent to a different kind of shower; a golden shower.

12 Angry Women (alternate title: 12 Angry Womyn): Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are 12 women. They are angry. They are lesbians. They're really butch. They're in a room. They have to decide a murder trial, but not before they have a prolonged, esoteric and abstract conversation on the importance of feminist ideals in an ever changing modern and disillusioned political era. Naked. From the makers of Raging Bull-dyke.
Catchphrase: Die men die.

Singin' In The Pain: The world's first S&M musical, starring Spank Sinatra as Asspanking McGimp. There will be a percussion scene in which McGimp will play different sized asses using a steel mace.
Catchphrase: Pain has never sounded so good.

Cock Block and Two Smoking Barrels: The blue-ballingly hot story of a man who just can't get any, because of his asshole friends. That is, until the day he finds a shotgun.
Catchphrase: Rubble. As in Barney Rubble. As in he's got a shotgun and is going to rape you.

Coy Story: The endearing story of a little sex toy, Woody the dildo, who has never left the sex shop. Everything's going well for Woody until some hot shot new toy, Buzz Vibrator, comes along and shows him that dildos are for pussies. Literally.
Catchphrase: You'll orgasm to infinity. And beyond.

Sack to the Future: The thrilling story of Marty McBi, just an ordinary bisexual kid until he meets Doc Cock, a mad scientist who wants to send Marty's balls...into the future. Unfortunately, Marty's balls end up in 1954 where they end up teabagging Marty's own mother.
Catchphrase: Time flies. So do Marty's balls.

The Ball-tease Falcon: The bizarre tale of a highly intelligent and sexually deviant falcon that teases guys' balls until they just can't take it anymore and then flies away. Probably the worst and strangest porno you'll never see, unless you're into falcons playing with guys' balls and then flying away. I know I am.
Catchphrase: Falcon at 10 o'clock, do you know where your balls are?

*It turns out this is actually a real porno. Unfortunately, not with the same plot.

Words That Are Easier To Pronounce Than "Ahmadinejad"

Monday, July 17, 2006

1. Cat
2. Dog
3. Happy
4. Nuclear

Guess who's baaaaaaack!!

That's right mothertruckers, the Georgetown Heckler Blog is back and better than ever, or rather it's hopefully not worse than it was before. Anyways, I know you've all been compulsively masturbating to control the stress caused by the Heckler Blog's absence, but it's ok, you can relax now cause we're back. So start checking regularly and obsessively again because there will be updates and they will be hilarious.

Good News and Bad News

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

First, the good news. You don't have AIDS. Unless you do, in which case I am so, so sorry. That was incredibly insensitive. Otherwise, congratulations! Your inability to gain an erection since the late 1970s has finally paid off.

Now, the bad news. The Heckler Blog will be going on a three-week hiatus. The staff and I are retreating to the Tibetan mountains to study with our buddy the Dalai Lama, a master of comedy. There we will contemplate questions such as, if a midget is in the woods and no one is around to poke him and make him squeal, is he still funny? along with other impressive and life altering rhetorical questions. In the meantime, you can read all the stuff we've written so far on the site, and be sure to check out to read all the Heckler archives which are hilarious. Check back sometime mid-July for new posts. Thanks for reading, and remember, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, put it in a brown paper bag and light it on fire on front of someone's door. See you later suckas. Heckler out.

Great Maxims For Life - Courtesy of NY Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and when it gives you oranges, you have to make orange juice. Tonight, we tried to make tomato juice out of lemon juice.”

P.S. - That is a cat with a lime helmet that A-Rod is imagining. That is what gives him inspiration while flags superimpose themselves on his body. It happens more than you'd think.

Household Hooker Tip #4

Sunday, June 25, 2006

They say that the best things in life are free, but "they" aren't hookers. Hookers are a proud but simple people, and don't understand logic or painfully trite adages. Don't try to reason with your hooker, this will only scare her/him/it. If your hooker feels that they are trapped in a corner, they will not hesitate to lash out. Do not allow your hooker to feel frightened or insecure, that is their pimp's job, and far be it from you to alter the natural hierarchy of the hooker world. Always remain calm around your hooker. Do not try sudden movements that might make their coke-riddled mind uneasy. Be sure not to show fear. Hookers can smell fear, and they will strike immediately. Just remember: pay the price and things are nice. Or, for those sick fucks of you out there: pay the pimp and fuck your gimp.

World Cup Update: USA Sucks My Balls

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Well that's it folks. The U.S. went down (on my balls) in the World Cup. Pretty impressive how much they sucked. I was disappointed with how short it was. I mean, I was really hoping they'd last a little longer on my balls. But they just didn't quite make it. They sucked hard for a while, but in the end, my balls prevailed and the U.S. was vanquished. Several people in particular are worthy of noting for their excessive sucking of my balls. I'd like to say a little something to a few of them.

Landon Donovan: Wow. You blew more than a crack whore on payday. Nicely done.

Demarcus Beasley: You are a dick.

Brian McBride: I actually like this guy. He's ballsy. He gets hit in the face pretty much every game, and has to come out. But he always comes back for one more crack to the face. Awesome. He's like a retard playing tetherball. Plus, he's had most of his skull replaced with metal because of how many times he's needed surgery from being hit in the face. He's practically a cyborg, which will be useful when the machines rise up against us. We'll neeed McBride to get repeatedly bashed in the face by the machines to distract them while Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back in time to destroy them.

Bruce Arena: What the fuck dude? Why didn't you put Jon O'Brien in? Why didn't you put Eddie Johnson in earlier? Why didn't you do anything? Why won't you answer my calls? Why won't you lift the restraining order? Why are you so afraid of me because I threatened to kill you? Do you know where your wife is? Would you like to? Call me.

France: Well, I just don't like you guys. I hope you don't make it either. I hope Togo hands your ass to you on a silver platter. Although, with Togo it'd probably be a rotten wood platter. Or an animal sacrifice that they'll hand to you, or something weird. I don't know anything about Togo.

USA: Fuck you. You know what the worst part is? You people don't even care. Fuck you guys. Have we ever even shot a soccer player? No, we haven't. Because we don't care. Now I'm not saying I want Americans to start shooting soccer players, all I'm saying is would it be that bad if we did? I mean, we have the right to bare arms right? Let's let the U.S. team know how much we care. Interpret that how you will. My lawyer says I'm strictly prohibited from "outright declarations of intent to commit violent acts or inciting others to do so."

The World Cup: Fuck you. You are such a cock tease. You play with my balls for a while, tickle them and stuff, and then bam! donkey punch my ass. Unnecessary World Cup. Unnecessary.

David Dilkinson: I know you don’t play for the U.S. soccer team, and you are not even remotely connected to soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but fuck you. You know what you did. I will find you, and I will crush you. Suffice it to say I still want my kidney back.

My Plans For After the Rapture

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Fundamentalist Christians (read: crazy people) believe that a day will come in the not so distant future when Jesus Christ will return to Earth from heaven and whisk away all those who have been faithful and pure leaving behind us sinners to find ways of amusing ourselves before we are ultimately destroyed. It's all very technical and complicated, backed by heaps of credible evidence, and is known amongst the scientific community as the "Rapture." Here are a few of my plans for that glorious day:

1. Catch up on the Sopranos
2. Finish the thank you notes from my second grade birthday party
3. Learn to juggle
4. Call grandma
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Start the Bible
7. Masturbate
8. Finish the bible
9. Take fencing lessons
10. Lose my virginity
11. Prepare to do battle with a horsed Jesus with a flaming two-edged sword coming out of his mouth who has come to strike me down. Not without a fight I say!

Food For Thought: Gyro Lady

Monday, June 19, 2006

Is it just me or is anyone else surprisingly aroused by this ubiquitous gyro lady poster? I think she is hungry for something different, but I doubt that it's a gyro. I mean, this poster is just begging to be photshopped. And believe you me in due time I will photoshop something in to replace that gyro. I'll let your imagination run wild. No, it's not a bigger gyro you idiot. That wouldn't even make sense. As it is she's going to have a hard time ramming that giant gyro into her little mouth with her supple lips quivering as she feasts on the massive and meaty food product. Goddamn, that is one hot gyro lady! I'd like to show her my schwarma with yogurt sauce. You know, flip her baklava around a little bit. Rub her with a little falafel, Bill O'Reilly style. All I'm saying is someday the Gyro Lady and I will find each other and get married and make sweet sweet spanakopita until the sun comes up. Then we'll fall asleep in each others arms, our humuses entwined. It will be pure tsatziki. Wow, I'm hungry.

From the Archives: Handicapped Student Joins STAND -- Irony Kills 500 In Darfur

Friday, June 16, 2006

Since I'm gone this weekend I thought I'd give you guys one of the better articles from this prolific past Heckler year. If you don't think it's funny, it's probably cause you're a dick.

Students Take Action Now-Darfur (STAND), the Georgetown founded club that seeks to aid refugees in Sudan, was shocked and dismayed to learn that 500 additional Sudanese people had been brutally murdered last week. The culprit, though originally believed to be the Janjaweed, a paramilitary group responsible for much of the atrocities in Sudan, turned out to be irony.

The irony that killed the refugees was brought about by the entrance of GU student Timothy McNaught-Walker (SFS ‘07) into STAND. McNaught-Walker, who is handicapped because of a vicious masturbation stunt he pulled at age 13, is confined to the uses of a wheelchair. Initially confused, concerning the irony, he commented, “I was sitting, as always, when suddenly it hit me. I almost jumped in the air, but…I didn’t. STAND? Get it.” He then proceeded to chuckle. “Oh irony,” he added.

The Sudanese government has yet to issue a full statement on the tragedy, but Dok Affiti, a spokesman for the government issued a brief statement denying the government’s cooperation with irony. “The government has in no way endorsed what irony has done today, assuming that paying for and equipping irony does not count as endorsement, which it doesn’t. I hope. I have to go now.”

The refugees were found just outside of Khartoum, in a small village, and appeared to have been ravaged by irony. Ironically the starving villagers appeared to have been murdered on Thanksgiving, a day of feast in America, and killed by stuffing Turkey into every one of their orifices. There were no survivors in the village.

STAND spokesman Dan Menkowitz condemned irony’s action saying, “What happened today is truly a tragedy. We are currently doing everything in our power to help these people. We truly empathize with these people as wealthy white college students in America.”

After his official briefing, Menkowitz agreed to an interview, where he elaborated: “You know it’s really hard for these people in Sudan. Most people just ignore them, but that’s what STAND is about. We understand them. I mean, sometimes I’m just starving for a mocha-cappucino, or just dying to be done with this exam. It’s just like Darfur.”

STAND has already begun a new initiative, Students Take Action Now-Irony (STANI), although the acronym seemed significantly less sensible. “STANI’s first objective will be kill humor and irony,” the club’s charter stated. “No longer will irony ravage the open wounds of tragedies near and far.”

McNaught-Walker has issued a formal apology to the people of Sudan, but has yet to resign from the club. “I think I could do a lot of good for these people,” he said in prepared remarks yesterday. “I cannot just sit by idly while these people suffer.” On an unrelated note, several more refugees were found dead. Irony is suspected.

Sudan is not the first target to be hit by irony. It also struck in the tsuanmi of last year, when thousands of refugees found themselves dying of thirst, and proponents say that it is “plausible, though, unlikely,” that 9/11 may have been caused by the irony of Lara Flynn Boyle walking into a Hooters.

World Cup Update: Germany-Poland

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I was just watching the Germany-Poland World Cup game, and I couldn't help but have the sneaking suspicion that those two countries had met before on another important international stage. But where? And when? What's that 9th grade history teacher hallucination caused by an acid flashback? Sept. 1, 1939? Oh snap, you're right! Well, the games not over so I don't know who's going to win. But I do know this: if history tells us anything, it's that whoever wins, the Jews are fucked.

Oh Vin Diesel doesn't play for the Brazilian national soccer team...OR DOES HE?????

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

From the Banned Archives of Dr. Seuss: "Untitled"

Monday, June 12, 2006

With Dilly and Dally in came small Sally
Dilly and Dally were both from South Cali
While Sally, a galy, was from Northern Tally

Hippin and hoppin in came the three
A bippin and boppin, oh what to see
There was Bobby a camera in hand
With a grin the size of this here whole land

They started to strip
Without any quip
The fun had begun
As three became one

Dilly’s big willy into Dally’s young wally
And oh here comes Sally who didn’t dare dally
She showed off her wally for Bobby to enjoy
And oh what can happen with two girls and a boy

Feejing and teejing with wallies and willies
Said Bobby, “How fun and oh what such sillies”
And the camera kept rolling and how it went on
Dear Bobby kept filming til all film was gone

The video was made and put on the net
So people could watch and not have to fret
About getting a date or a girlfriend’s who’s late
And also so they could relax and masturbate

But some people are trying to shut it all down
And this makes a poor lonely doctor just frown
If you don’t like it don’t watch, don’t act like a clown
Otherwise sit back and chew on some corn
Cause old Dr. Seuss he loves him some porn

Regrettable Ideas For Your Kid’s Birthday Party Entertainment

Friday, June 09, 2006

Angelina Jolie
A Gunshow
Lime disease
Deer with lime disease
Strippers with lime disease
Strippers riding deer with lime disease
Stripping deer
A live, hungry lion and a wounded deer
Midget knifethrowers
Tear gas
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson with lime disease stripping on top of a mechanical
deer spewing tear gas while midget knifethrowers battle Angelina
Jolie in a lion costume to a 21 gun salute aimed a bees nest

Great Maxims For Life

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Penises are like children; you should beat them at least once a day.

Rules for Monopoly: Communist China Edition

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

1. First, get a billion of your friends together.
2. Designate one person as the “Party Leader.”
3. Divide up the money equally among all the players, except for the Party Leader who gets more, but only because it helps the game.
4. Assign one person as the “banker.” They will be killed later. Anything that goes wrong during the game is to be blamed on the banker who will be severely punished.
5. The two decks in the middle of the board are “Chance (as determined by the Party)” and “Communist Chest,” the latter of which is pictures of famous communists' bare chests, like Karl Marx, Mao Zedong, and Che Guevara (he’s hot, I saw the movie). When you pick up a “Chance (as determined by the Party)” card, you must do exactly what it says, unless your Party Leader tells you to do something else. Then you must do that or else you will be killed.
6. If a player rolls doubles three times in a row they must go to jail, because no one can be that lucky in Communist China. Once they are in jail, they are a prisoner of the state. They will also be killed and you will need to harvest their organs. To do this, use the scalpel and test tubes provided in the box.
7. You cannot buy any property. Everything belongs to the Party.
8. If anyone does not want to play or has any objections, do not hesitate to kill them. They are either with the party or against it.
9. Now you’re ready to play!
10. Remember, everybody wins, except the banker, the prisoners, dissidents, Party members who are no longer in favor, and practically everyone else. Note: if there are any Japanese kids playing the game, you must kill them ruthlessly and mercilessly. Do not forget World War II and the Sino-Japanese war! Ever!
11. Have fun! And don’t forget, Mao is watching! Always!

Great Musings

Monday, June 05, 2006

A lot of people say that religion is the opiate of the masses. But I've never stolen one of my grandma's kidneys and sold it just so I could smoke a little more religion (don't look at me like that, old people don't even use kidneys). On the other hand, how much cooler would it be if religion allowed opium at the masses. I'd definitely go to mass then. If I could get high, you know? Maybe then I'd believe some of that crap. Some guy walked on water? A burning bush? Hell yea, you're blowing my mind man! Give me another hit of that opium! But don't you dare pass that collection hat around. I need my money for more opium. You got me addicted religion!

Welcome to the new Heckler blog

Sunday, June 04, 2006

For those of you who are surprised at the sudden improvement of this blog (visually of course, not in terms of content) it's because we've moved from Yahoo blogs which was shittier than a porta-potty at a fat camp for lactose intolerant kids after Ben and Jerry's free cone day to Blogger, which is way better. You can check out the old posts for the last few weeks at From now on though, check here for all new updates and thanks for visiting the site.

Household Hooker Tip #3

When bringing home a new hooker be sure to take good care of her/him/it. Hookers, just like real people, need food. They can live for several weeks on a diet of crystal meth and crack, but eventually even they will need actual sustenance or else they'll die in 10-15 days. Unlike a Chia Pet, watering them will not suffice, although similar to a Chia Pet they are useless in almost all aspects and are only bought by pathetic losers. Also like Chia Pets, if your hooker dies, do not fret, you can always get a new one. Sometimes feisty and/or old hookers must be put down. Many people feel guilt after putting their hookers to sleep. This is silly, as it was probably the best decision, rather than let your hooker suffer any longer. And remember, getting more than one hooker can be a lot of fun. They are relatively social creatures and watching them interact with each other can be very entertaining. Just give each of them a blunt object and tell them to fight until the death, offering the winner $5 and a dirty needle. Then just sit back and enjoy the fun. Good luck!

All Apple Store employees are douches

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I went to visit the new Apple Store in New York City the other day. It's pretty sweet except for the people who work there. I've heard several stories about people being hit on by Apple Store employees, but this was my first experience with it. I went there with my girlfriend, and we were browsing through the iPods and laptops they have set up there when I saw out of the corner of my eye an Apple Store employee strutting over towards my girlfriend who was looking at a laptop. He had on the signature iPod-shaped badge of shameless flirtation which apparently gives him unlimited authority to hit on anything that moves in the store, probably children included. This it the conversation that ensued:

Fucking Apple Guy: Hey there. I see you looking at that laptop. Check this out. The power cord is magnetic.

Girlfriend: Wow, that's awesome.

FAG: Yeah. It is. Is it just me or is there a little magnetism between us also?

GF: Uh...

FAG: I mean, you're like a sweet 1.2 gigahertz Macbook Pro and I'm like a sleek 60 gigabyte U2 limited edition iPod nano. We're so compatible. We're built for each other.

GF: Uh...

FAG: I'd like to hook up with you and download your iTunes if you know what I mean.

GF: Uh...I'm here with my boyfriend. Enter me ready to whoop some Apple employee ass

FAG: You're here with that 2001 1,000 song iPod original? He's not even compatible with your software. Baby, you're running operating system Panther 10.6. You're way better than him.

At this point I offered my Apple friend a swift kick in where I thought his testicles would be. Unfortunately, I was unaware that all Apple Store employees have no balls. Thinking quickly, I challenged FAG to a game of Russian roulette, the prize being my girlfriend. The only rule: he had to go first. I handed him my semiautomatic pistol (I don't play Russian roulette with revolvers cause that's for pussies who believe in "luck"). He shot himself in the head. Game over. I walked out triumphantly with my girlfriend while other Apple Store dorks rushed to their fallen brethren's side.

Me: 1
Skeevy dickless Apple Store employees: 0

And scene.

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