Household Hooker Tip #6

Monday, August 28, 2006

You may often find yourself with a desire to fornicate with more than one hooker at a time. Copulating with two hookers is often known as a mènage-a-trois, and is derived from the French for "armpit hair wine frog." Two hookers can be double the fun, but paying for them can often be pricy. Instead, try this recipe for success: 1) Drink gallon of grain alcohol/bathtub gin. 2) wait a few minutes. Magically one hooker will become two. For those of you into twin sex (sex with twins, you idiot) this will also work. This strategy is possible with non-hookers as well, but the alcohol induced near-death beating that is almost sure to come after the sexual act is complete is less well received by non-hookers, and often frowned upon by the local populace and law enforcement agents.

Does anyone else have a problem with the new Pepto Bismol slogans?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Check out the yellow highlighted slogans for Pepto Bismol and Children's Pepto. Someone working for Pepto Bismol's ad campaign is one sick motherfucker (and possibly a pedophile).

I. Saw. It.

Monday, August 21, 2006

For those of you who have been living in a hole for a while (read: fetuses) there's this tiny little indie film called "Snakes On A Plane," with some black dude, Denzel Washington or that old one I saw at the Oscars once (Sidney Portnoy? Was he Jewish?). Well, I saw it. That's it. I fucking saw it. For those of you who haven't, I, the personification, in blog form, so I guess the blogsonification (that's trademarked) of the Heckler, endorse this movie. It is a good motherfucking movie, and I don't mean you should fulfill your sick, carnal, Freudian oedipal complex while this movie is kicking ass. Try to wait until after the movie for that. The point is, you should see it, and I am in no way being compensated by the great and humble New Line cinemas for encouraging those of you who are stupid enough to listen to a college humor blog to go see it. But see it. Trust me. And when you go see it, here are a few tips I learned from my movie going experience and would like to share with you:

1. Smoke 5 joints - Now I'm not going to say you have to do this, but I will say you will probably be the only ones in the theater who haven't. Not to mention that only after 5 joints will you be the slap-happy, mindless retard for whom this movie was focus-grouped into existence. Plus, you'll get the movie. Trust me, this is a social commentary with subtle undertones that only the glory of ganja brings out.

2. Purchase snake on a stick toy - This is a must. It will only get funnier as you get higher. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. Use it to hit people during the movie. When children ask where you got it, point to your pants and then sucker punch them.

3. Combine 1 and 2 - (pictured above)

4. Start slow clap - In the absurd and irrelevant opening sequence of an awesome biker rocking out on the highway (so cool!) to a sweet and mellow Jack Johnson song slowly and surely begin to slap your hands together creating a rhythmic sound known as "clapping." I assure you the audience will catch on (and they did, I swear). Soon the whole audience will be swaying and clapping to the beat as you continue to irrelevantly watch a biker do stupid tricks, when all you want to see is venomous snakes and black people yelling "motherfucker." Warning: Be careful not to get too into the opening sequence music. Make sure you do not ask your friend for his lighter, hold it up, light it, sway and start screaming, "I have made fire!" The theater will ask you to leave.

5. There is no subliminal advertising pepsi - Immediately after the movie, or even during it, do not resist the strange temptation to buy certain products, e.g. Red Bull, Pepsi, Dominos, Playstation, etc. This is not because these brand names are repeatedly flashed across the screen or yelled by characters (Samuel L. Jackson does not yell "All praises to the playstation"). I repeat, it is not because of this. Just buy Red Bull. Lots and lots of Red Bull. No reason.

6. Be sure to catch 9/11 shout-outs - like when the snakes commandeer beverage carts and ram them into the barricades built by the people (I swear to God I am not making this up) to keep out the snakes. You should pity those poor innocent snakes who got on that plane not knowing what was going to transpire. I think if the movie teaches us anything, it's that under extraordinary circumstances, even snakes can become heroes. Fun fact: the movie was also originally supposed to be called South Pacific 121 (sound a bit like another movie?). Most people didn't notice this, but if you listen carefully you can hear one of the attractive, physically fit snakes hiss out, "Let'ssss roll" right as they ram the carts into the people. Actually, that might have been the weed.

7. Wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...

8. Hold your peepee cause you gotta go so bad and wait for it...wait for it...

9. Goddamn is he ever gonna say this line?

10. "Enough is enough, I want these motherfucking snakes off of my motherfucking plane!" Yes! You fucking tell them Denzel!

11. Go home.

12. Wake up the next day. Repeat.

Madonna: The Next Jesus?

Friday, August 18, 2006

Madonna is taking a lot of flak again for her performance in Germany during her "Confessions" tour. She rigged up a giant cross which she crucifies herself on while wearing a crown of thorns. The German people are very upset, and if there's anyone that knows that it's inappropriate to make fun of executing people, it's Germany so I thought about giving them to benefit of the doubt on this one. The Roman Catholic Church is pissed off, claiming that Madonna is mocking Christianity. But in reality, isn't imitation the best form of flattery? I say kudos to Madonna for doing what I've always wanted to do: strapping herself to a giant replica of an ancient execution tool and singing about being a whore. Isn't that what Jesus would have wanted? And anyways I don't know what the Catholic Church is all pissed off about, this kind of makes me want to believe in Christ. I mean, I've seen some of those pictures of Him, not so flattering. Madonna? I'd fuck her. Jesus? Fuck no. I mean, afterwards he'd get all preachy and stuff and probably want to cuddle. "You don't want to cuddle? But I died for your sins!" Shut up Jesus, I'm tired. Madonna's more of a wham bam thank you mam kind of gal, and I dig that. She's kind of an in-your-face-sex-you-up Jesus, which, personally, I think is a welcome change from that scrawny little Jesus I'm always seeing. Jesus needs more sex appeal. Boobs, to be specific. Maybe some guns. A leather coat. Yeah, that's good. Dark sunglasses. Basically, I want the terminator, but with boobs. Like the female terminator from T3. I've practically got a hard-on right now. Goddamn Jesus is hot.

From the Archives: Top 15 Things You Never Want To See Your Roommate Doing

Thursday, August 17, 2006

1. Crying
2. Masturbating
3. Crying and masturbating
4. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you
5. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you that he took while you were sleeping
6. Crying and masturbating to pictures of you that he took while he thought you were sleeping but really you were awake and extremely uncomfortable (just don’t do it again Will)
7. Doing it again
8. Eating a puppy
9. Claiming it was for Chinese new year
10. Reading the Map of Love
11. Feasting on the flesh of the living
12. Massaging your scalp looking for your horns
13. Burning a cross at the head of your bed “to get better lighting”
14. Dropping a 9/11 joke
15. Being pissed off that you dropped a 9/11 joke.

Google Searches That Have Led To This Blog

Thursday, August 10, 2006

We have a stat tracker that allows us to see what google searches link to our blog. Here are a few of the best ones we've seen so far:

"Mao Zedong is a fag" - Below the belt Falun Gong, below the belt. I'd expect this from Taiwan, but not you.

"Play with my schlong" - I'm glad someone is searching for this. I'm even gladder that this blog comes up in that search.

"Ferrets skate snakes on a plane" - I don't even know...

"Christa Faust" - Author of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel - see Get This Motherfuckin' Book On Yo Motherfuckin' Shelf. I list this one only because I am absolutely convinced that this is Christa Faust googling herself, and that is fucking hilarious.

Fuck Carlos Mencia

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I fucking hate Carlos Mencia. Every time a commercial for his show comes on, a child dies somewhere in the world. I am more likely to laugh watching C-Span 3 than Mind of Mencia. There is nothing even remotely humorous about listening to a half-German and half-Honduran dickhead yell the word "Beaner." That's right, he's not even Mexican. He is half-German, which explains why he's an unfunny, racist piece of shit. And don't give me this bullshit about how he's "too edgy" for me. I hate that even more. Every time he comes on TV to explain why he's light-years ahead of the rest of us in his un-PC humor, I uncontrollably punch through my television, which is becoming a rather expensive habit. Carlos Mencia is the least clever, least funny human being on television. I refuse to even use the words "comic" or "comedian" in the same sentence as his name because that would indicate that he makes even the slightest attempts at humor, which he does not. If he really thinks that yelling "dee dee dee" in reference to mentally retarded people is going to trigger the biochemical interaction that causes a rhythmic expulsion of gas known as laughter, he ought to be castrated. I have yet to meet a single person who finds him or his show funny (I puked after watching five minutes of his stand-up special). If anyone knows of anyone, a brother, father, sister, relative of any sort, dog walker, homeless person, anyone at all that finds Carlos Mencia funny please e-mail with their name, number, address, sleeping habits, allergies, diseases they are susceptible to, and any other information that might be useful. Let the search begin!

"So You Want To Be A Big Time Serial Killer" Part 1: Picking A Sweet Name

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

First of all, on behalf of the International Killers and Eliminators Association, congratulations on choosing to become a serial killer and thank you for requesting IKEA’s award-winning series “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Serial Killing But Were Advised Against Asking By Your Lawyer.” Everyone here at IKEA is very excited for you and your family. Serial killers have a long and proud history, dating back to the very first serial killer, God who smote the entire villages of Sodom and Gomorrah. Impressed yet? You will be. Other serial killers include Jack the Ripper, who killed hookers (how fun!), David Berkowitz, whose dog told him to kill people (the real sign of a man’s best friend), Hitler, who killed 6 million Jews (dubious but we give him the benefit of the doubt), and even Larry the Cable Guy, who killed laughter. Yes, you’re in good company my friend. You chose wisely.

The first step to becoming a famed serial killer is choosing a name. For a lot of serial killers this is a real stumbling block. Fear not, though, with IKEA’s few simple tips, you’ll be right on your way to making a name for yourself, literally!

Step 1: Choose your favorite board game/pop culture reference/drink
Reporters and detectives love catchy names for serial killers. They’re like a free publicity firm working around the clock just for you. Half of the work is done for you, so you are free to plot your next victim. The only thing you need to do is place the appropriate items, phrases, and/or pictures in order to help guide your trackers to the perfect name. Board games provide interesting and memorable names for a professional such as yourself. For example, Jigsaw from the popular movie “Saw.” You can try other mind numbing games built for losers as well, like Ouija Board, Candy Land, or Clue (how appropriate!). Other fun ways to get attention include using pop culture references in order to allow for simple but humorous puns. For example, imagine decapitating your victims and replacing their heads with Pokemon. You could become the Mew-tilater after the famous Pokemon Mew. Or you could strike only at attractive upper middle class white girls and be the Teeny Bopper Bopper. Or better yet, you could kill your wife and call yourself O.J. After the drink silly.

Step 2: Adjust your killing method
Once you’ve selected your kickass name now you need to adjust your method of forceful euthanasia. For example, Jigsaw used to remove jigsaw puzzle-like pieces from his victims. This is very complicated and requires patience and skill. Instead, try stapling a Ouija Board to each of your victims’ heads. That one’s a little more obvious. I already gave you the Pokemon suggestion and, well, dousing your wife in orange juice is a pretty good way to nail that sweet name. Or, if you’re going for subtlety, leave a picture of the Buffalo Bills running back during the 1973 season.

Step 3: Have fun!
Well this one pretty much explains itself, right Jimmy? Jimmy was my next door neighbor who used to complain about the “ruckus” I made sacrificing stolen Panda bears to the god Ventrus Maximus who demanded rare animal sacrifices from the Bronx Zoo lest I be turned into a flaming pool of monkey urine for eternity. Monkey pee? Monkey do what Ventrus Maximus tells me to do. Now Jimmy just hangs around in my apartment, literally! Don’t forget, the sky’s the limit for us serial killers. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be creative. The greatest risk is not taking one. And remember, if they catch you, tell them your dog told you to do it (you can thank David later).

Stay tuned next week for: How to create numerical and literary references as clues designed to baffle the public but slowly come together for one roughneck cop who's lost his faith in humanity, but still has a heart of gold.

What A World

Thursday, August 03, 2006

If I could be serious for a moment, for the past few weeks we have all witnessed the violence in the Middle East escalate. Hundreds of innocent Lebanese and Israelis have died in the violence, not to mention the countless others that have died in the seemingly endless cycle of violence in that part of the world. But on top of all of that, tragedy struck London for the second time in two years, as the Associated Press reported. A guard dog ripped apart a rare collection of teddy bears, including one that Elvis had once briefly owned. I...I don't even know how such a disaster could happen. It seems as if in this apocalyptic post-9/11 world no one is safe anymore, not even our most sacred teddy bears. If I may suggest it, at 2:55 pm, the time the Associated Press article was filed, if we could all take a moment of silence and remember the lives of these teddy bears. The carnage of 8/2 must never be forgotten. Hundreds of bears were chewed up by Barney the guard dog. "Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor." Oh the humanity. I think I can still hear the bears screaming for help and the tearing of their seams, white stuffing oozing out and silent tears of our fluffy brethren. Damnit, I'm welling up again. Let us remember Mabel, Bobby, Farry, Mr. Fluffles, Dinky, One-Eyed Jimbo, Mr. Dingles, and the dozens of others who perished, victims of the war on terror. May God have mercy on all our souls.

Free Gibson!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The LAPD is at it again folks. That corrupt police force has arrested an innocent man and are brutally beating and sodomizing his career. They look at this beautiful man and all they see a batshit insane anti-Semite. But he is so much more than just that. He also makes movies. And, he talks to God. Mel Gibson is arrested and all of a sudden there is a massive, fatal heat wave? Coincidence? I don't think so. God is angry people. Release him LAPD, or else God is going to smoke him out with this fucking heat wave. Sure he was driving under the influence...the influence of God. God made him do 130 on the highway. And it was God who made him ask the cop if he was Jewish and inform him that "the Jews for every war in the world." If anyone knows these kinds of things, it's God. If you disagree, go ahead and take it up with the Big Guy. You want to punish Mel Gibson for delivering God's holy message? You want to punish Mel Gibson, who spreads the word of God through mildly covert anti-Semitic Jesus porn? That's fucked up, and I don't blame God for unleashing his wrath. You smell that? That's not garbage stewing in the triple-digit degree weather. That's the smell of God's anger...and Satan's taint.

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