Good News and Bad News

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

First, the good news. You don't have AIDS. Unless you do, in which case I am so, so sorry. That was incredibly insensitive. Otherwise, congratulations! Your inability to gain an erection since the late 1970s has finally paid off.

Now, the bad news. The Heckler Blog will be going on a three-week hiatus. The staff and I are retreating to the Tibetan mountains to study with our buddy the Dalai Lama, a master of comedy. There we will contemplate questions such as, if a midget is in the woods and no one is around to poke him and make him squeal, is he still funny? along with other impressive and life altering rhetorical questions. In the meantime, you can read all the stuff we've written so far on the site, and be sure to check out to read all the Heckler archives which are hilarious. Check back sometime mid-July for new posts. Thanks for reading, and remember, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, put it in a brown paper bag and light it on fire on front of someone's door. See you later suckas. Heckler out.

Great Maxims For Life - Courtesy of NY Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and when it gives you oranges, you have to make orange juice. Tonight, we tried to make tomato juice out of lemon juice.”

P.S. - That is a cat with a lime helmet that A-Rod is imagining. That is what gives him inspiration while flags superimpose themselves on his body. It happens more than you'd think.

Household Hooker Tip #4

Sunday, June 25, 2006

They say that the best things in life are free, but "they" aren't hookers. Hookers are a proud but simple people, and don't understand logic or painfully trite adages. Don't try to reason with your hooker, this will only scare her/him/it. If your hooker feels that they are trapped in a corner, they will not hesitate to lash out. Do not allow your hooker to feel frightened or insecure, that is their pimp's job, and far be it from you to alter the natural hierarchy of the hooker world. Always remain calm around your hooker. Do not try sudden movements that might make their coke-riddled mind uneasy. Be sure not to show fear. Hookers can smell fear, and they will strike immediately. Just remember: pay the price and things are nice. Or, for those sick fucks of you out there: pay the pimp and fuck your gimp.

World Cup Update: USA Sucks My Balls

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Well that's it folks. The U.S. went down (on my balls) in the World Cup. Pretty impressive how much they sucked. I was disappointed with how short it was. I mean, I was really hoping they'd last a little longer on my balls. But they just didn't quite make it. They sucked hard for a while, but in the end, my balls prevailed and the U.S. was vanquished. Several people in particular are worthy of noting for their excessive sucking of my balls. I'd like to say a little something to a few of them.

Landon Donovan: Wow. You blew more than a crack whore on payday. Nicely done.

Demarcus Beasley: You are a dick.

Brian McBride: I actually like this guy. He's ballsy. He gets hit in the face pretty much every game, and has to come out. But he always comes back for one more crack to the face. Awesome. He's like a retard playing tetherball. Plus, he's had most of his skull replaced with metal because of how many times he's needed surgery from being hit in the face. He's practically a cyborg, which will be useful when the machines rise up against us. We'll neeed McBride to get repeatedly bashed in the face by the machines to distract them while Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back in time to destroy them.

Bruce Arena: What the fuck dude? Why didn't you put Jon O'Brien in? Why didn't you put Eddie Johnson in earlier? Why didn't you do anything? Why won't you answer my calls? Why won't you lift the restraining order? Why are you so afraid of me because I threatened to kill you? Do you know where your wife is? Would you like to? Call me.

France: Well, I just don't like you guys. I hope you don't make it either. I hope Togo hands your ass to you on a silver platter. Although, with Togo it'd probably be a rotten wood platter. Or an animal sacrifice that they'll hand to you, or something weird. I don't know anything about Togo.

USA: Fuck you. You know what the worst part is? You people don't even care. Fuck you guys. Have we ever even shot a soccer player? No, we haven't. Because we don't care. Now I'm not saying I want Americans to start shooting soccer players, all I'm saying is would it be that bad if we did? I mean, we have the right to bare arms right? Let's let the U.S. team know how much we care. Interpret that how you will. My lawyer says I'm strictly prohibited from "outright declarations of intent to commit violent acts or inciting others to do so."

The World Cup: Fuck you. You are such a cock tease. You play with my balls for a while, tickle them and stuff, and then bam! donkey punch my ass. Unnecessary World Cup. Unnecessary.

David Dilkinson: I know you don’t play for the U.S. soccer team, and you are not even remotely connected to soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but fuck you. You know what you did. I will find you, and I will crush you. Suffice it to say I still want my kidney back.

My Plans For After the Rapture

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Fundamentalist Christians (read: crazy people) believe that a day will come in the not so distant future when Jesus Christ will return to Earth from heaven and whisk away all those who have been faithful and pure leaving behind us sinners to find ways of amusing ourselves before we are ultimately destroyed. It's all very technical and complicated, backed by heaps of credible evidence, and is known amongst the scientific community as the "Rapture." Here are a few of my plans for that glorious day:

1. Catch up on the Sopranos
2. Finish the thank you notes from my second grade birthday party
3. Learn to juggle
4. Call grandma
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Start the Bible
7. Masturbate
8. Finish the bible
9. Take fencing lessons
10. Lose my virginity
11. Prepare to do battle with a horsed Jesus with a flaming two-edged sword coming out of his mouth who has come to strike me down. Not without a fight I say!

Food For Thought: Gyro Lady

Monday, June 19, 2006

Is it just me or is anyone else surprisingly aroused by this ubiquitous gyro lady poster? I think she is hungry for something different, but I doubt that it's a gyro. I mean, this poster is just begging to be photshopped. And believe you me in due time I will photoshop something in to replace that gyro. I'll let your imagination run wild. No, it's not a bigger gyro you idiot. That wouldn't even make sense. As it is she's going to have a hard time ramming that giant gyro into her little mouth with her supple lips quivering as she feasts on the massive and meaty food product. Goddamn, that is one hot gyro lady! I'd like to show her my schwarma with yogurt sauce. You know, flip her baklava around a little bit. Rub her with a little falafel, Bill O'Reilly style. All I'm saying is someday the Gyro Lady and I will find each other and get married and make sweet sweet spanakopita until the sun comes up. Then we'll fall asleep in each others arms, our humuses entwined. It will be pure tsatziki. Wow, I'm hungry.

From the Archives: Handicapped Student Joins STAND -- Irony Kills 500 In Darfur

Friday, June 16, 2006

Since I'm gone this weekend I thought I'd give you guys one of the better articles from this prolific past Heckler year. If you don't think it's funny, it's probably cause you're a dick.

Students Take Action Now-Darfur (STAND), the Georgetown founded club that seeks to aid refugees in Sudan, was shocked and dismayed to learn that 500 additional Sudanese people had been brutally murdered last week. The culprit, though originally believed to be the Janjaweed, a paramilitary group responsible for much of the atrocities in Sudan, turned out to be irony.

The irony that killed the refugees was brought about by the entrance of GU student Timothy McNaught-Walker (SFS ‘07) into STAND. McNaught-Walker, who is handicapped because of a vicious masturbation stunt he pulled at age 13, is confined to the uses of a wheelchair. Initially confused, concerning the irony, he commented, “I was sitting, as always, when suddenly it hit me. I almost jumped in the air, but…I didn’t. STAND? Get it.” He then proceeded to chuckle. “Oh irony,” he added.

The Sudanese government has yet to issue a full statement on the tragedy, but Dok Affiti, a spokesman for the government issued a brief statement denying the government’s cooperation with irony. “The government has in no way endorsed what irony has done today, assuming that paying for and equipping irony does not count as endorsement, which it doesn’t. I hope. I have to go now.”

The refugees were found just outside of Khartoum, in a small village, and appeared to have been ravaged by irony. Ironically the starving villagers appeared to have been murdered on Thanksgiving, a day of feast in America, and killed by stuffing Turkey into every one of their orifices. There were no survivors in the village.

STAND spokesman Dan Menkowitz condemned irony’s action saying, “What happened today is truly a tragedy. We are currently doing everything in our power to help these people. We truly empathize with these people as wealthy white college students in America.”

After his official briefing, Menkowitz agreed to an interview, where he elaborated: “You know it’s really hard for these people in Sudan. Most people just ignore them, but that’s what STAND is about. We understand them. I mean, sometimes I’m just starving for a mocha-cappucino, or just dying to be done with this exam. It’s just like Darfur.”

STAND has already begun a new initiative, Students Take Action Now-Irony (STANI), although the acronym seemed significantly less sensible. “STANI’s first objective will be kill humor and irony,” the club’s charter stated. “No longer will irony ravage the open wounds of tragedies near and far.”

McNaught-Walker has issued a formal apology to the people of Sudan, but has yet to resign from the club. “I think I could do a lot of good for these people,” he said in prepared remarks yesterday. “I cannot just sit by idly while these people suffer.” On an unrelated note, several more refugees were found dead. Irony is suspected.

Sudan is not the first target to be hit by irony. It also struck in the tsuanmi of last year, when thousands of refugees found themselves dying of thirst, and proponents say that it is “plausible, though, unlikely,” that 9/11 may have been caused by the irony of Lara Flynn Boyle walking into a Hooters.

World Cup Update: Germany-Poland

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I was just watching the Germany-Poland World Cup game, and I couldn't help but have the sneaking suspicion that those two countries had met before on another important international stage. But where? And when? What's that 9th grade history teacher hallucination caused by an acid flashback? Sept. 1, 1939? Oh snap, you're right! Well, the games not over so I don't know who's going to win. But I do know this: if history tells us anything, it's that whoever wins, the Jews are fucked.

Oh Vin Diesel doesn't play for the Brazilian national soccer team...OR DOES HE?????

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

From the Banned Archives of Dr. Seuss: "Untitled"

Monday, June 12, 2006

With Dilly and Dally in came small Sally
Dilly and Dally were both from South Cali
While Sally, a galy, was from Northern Tally

Hippin and hoppin in came the three
A bippin and boppin, oh what to see
There was Bobby a camera in hand
With a grin the size of this here whole land

They started to strip
Without any quip
The fun had begun
As three became one

Dilly’s big willy into Dally’s young wally
And oh here comes Sally who didn’t dare dally
She showed off her wally for Bobby to enjoy
And oh what can happen with two girls and a boy

Feejing and teejing with wallies and willies
Said Bobby, “How fun and oh what such sillies”
And the camera kept rolling and how it went on
Dear Bobby kept filming til all film was gone

The video was made and put on the net
So people could watch and not have to fret
About getting a date or a girlfriend’s who’s late
And also so they could relax and masturbate

But some people are trying to shut it all down
And this makes a poor lonely doctor just frown
If you don’t like it don’t watch, don’t act like a clown
Otherwise sit back and chew on some corn
Cause old Dr. Seuss he loves him some porn

Regrettable Ideas For Your Kid’s Birthday Party Entertainment

Friday, June 09, 2006

Angelina Jolie
A Gunshow
Lime disease
Deer with lime disease
Strippers with lime disease
Strippers riding deer with lime disease
Stripping deer
A live, hungry lion and a wounded deer
Midget knifethrowers
Tear gas
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson with lime disease stripping on top of a mechanical
deer spewing tear gas while midget knifethrowers battle Angelina
Jolie in a lion costume to a 21 gun salute aimed a bees nest

Great Maxims For Life

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Penises are like children; you should beat them at least once a day.

Rules for Monopoly: Communist China Edition

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

1. First, get a billion of your friends together.
2. Designate one person as the “Party Leader.”
3. Divide up the money equally among all the players, except for the Party Leader who gets more, but only because it helps the game.
4. Assign one person as the “banker.” They will be killed later. Anything that goes wrong during the game is to be blamed on the banker who will be severely punished.
5. The two decks in the middle of the board are “Chance (as determined by the Party)” and “Communist Chest,” the latter of which is pictures of famous communists' bare chests, like Karl Marx, Mao Zedong, and Che Guevara (he’s hot, I saw the movie). When you pick up a “Chance (as determined by the Party)” card, you must do exactly what it says, unless your Party Leader tells you to do something else. Then you must do that or else you will be killed.
6. If a player rolls doubles three times in a row they must go to jail, because no one can be that lucky in Communist China. Once they are in jail, they are a prisoner of the state. They will also be killed and you will need to harvest their organs. To do this, use the scalpel and test tubes provided in the box.
7. You cannot buy any property. Everything belongs to the Party.
8. If anyone does not want to play or has any objections, do not hesitate to kill them. They are either with the party or against it.
9. Now you’re ready to play!
10. Remember, everybody wins, except the banker, the prisoners, dissidents, Party members who are no longer in favor, and practically everyone else. Note: if there are any Japanese kids playing the game, you must kill them ruthlessly and mercilessly. Do not forget World War II and the Sino-Japanese war! Ever!
11. Have fun! And don’t forget, Mao is watching! Always!

Great Musings

Monday, June 05, 2006

A lot of people say that religion is the opiate of the masses. But I've never stolen one of my grandma's kidneys and sold it just so I could smoke a little more religion (don't look at me like that, old people don't even use kidneys). On the other hand, how much cooler would it be if religion allowed opium at the masses. I'd definitely go to mass then. If I could get high, you know? Maybe then I'd believe some of that crap. Some guy walked on water? A burning bush? Hell yea, you're blowing my mind man! Give me another hit of that opium! But don't you dare pass that collection hat around. I need my money for more opium. You got me addicted religion!

Welcome to the new Heckler blog

Sunday, June 04, 2006

For those of you who are surprised at the sudden improvement of this blog (visually of course, not in terms of content) it's because we've moved from Yahoo blogs which was shittier than a porta-potty at a fat camp for lactose intolerant kids after Ben and Jerry's free cone day to Blogger, which is way better. You can check out the old posts for the last few weeks at From now on though, check here for all new updates and thanks for visiting the site.

Household Hooker Tip #3

When bringing home a new hooker be sure to take good care of her/him/it. Hookers, just like real people, need food. They can live for several weeks on a diet of crystal meth and crack, but eventually even they will need actual sustenance or else they'll die in 10-15 days. Unlike a Chia Pet, watering them will not suffice, although similar to a Chia Pet they are useless in almost all aspects and are only bought by pathetic losers. Also like Chia Pets, if your hooker dies, do not fret, you can always get a new one. Sometimes feisty and/or old hookers must be put down. Many people feel guilt after putting their hookers to sleep. This is silly, as it was probably the best decision, rather than let your hooker suffer any longer. And remember, getting more than one hooker can be a lot of fun. They are relatively social creatures and watching them interact with each other can be very entertaining. Just give each of them a blunt object and tell them to fight until the death, offering the winner $5 and a dirty needle. Then just sit back and enjoy the fun. Good luck!

All Apple Store employees are douches

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I went to visit the new Apple Store in New York City the other day. It's pretty sweet except for the people who work there. I've heard several stories about people being hit on by Apple Store employees, but this was my first experience with it. I went there with my girlfriend, and we were browsing through the iPods and laptops they have set up there when I saw out of the corner of my eye an Apple Store employee strutting over towards my girlfriend who was looking at a laptop. He had on the signature iPod-shaped badge of shameless flirtation which apparently gives him unlimited authority to hit on anything that moves in the store, probably children included. This it the conversation that ensued:

Fucking Apple Guy: Hey there. I see you looking at that laptop. Check this out. The power cord is magnetic.

Girlfriend: Wow, that's awesome.

FAG: Yeah. It is. Is it just me or is there a little magnetism between us also?

GF: Uh...

FAG: I mean, you're like a sweet 1.2 gigahertz Macbook Pro and I'm like a sleek 60 gigabyte U2 limited edition iPod nano. We're so compatible. We're built for each other.

GF: Uh...

FAG: I'd like to hook up with you and download your iTunes if you know what I mean.

GF: Uh...I'm here with my boyfriend. Enter me ready to whoop some Apple employee ass

FAG: You're here with that 2001 1,000 song iPod original? He's not even compatible with your software. Baby, you're running operating system Panther 10.6. You're way better than him.

At this point I offered my Apple friend a swift kick in where I thought his testicles would be. Unfortunately, I was unaware that all Apple Store employees have no balls. Thinking quickly, I challenged FAG to a game of Russian roulette, the prize being my girlfriend. The only rule: he had to go first. I handed him my semiautomatic pistol (I don't play Russian roulette with revolvers cause that's for pussies who believe in "luck"). He shot himself in the head. Game over. I walked out triumphantly with my girlfriend while other Apple Store dorks rushed to their fallen brethren's side.

Me: 1
Skeevy dickless Apple Store employees: 0

And scene.

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