The U.S. Army Counterinsurgency Field Manual

Friday, August 24, 2007

Hello and welcome to the U.S. Army’s Counterinsurgency Field Manual. The purpose of this manual is to update army strategy in order to cope with the ever evolving and changing insurgency in present day Iraq. Winning the War on Terror is not going to be easy, and this manual has taken this into account. After heavy pensivity and thinkingness, as well as innumerable and valuable contributions from the best and brightest minds in the field of military strategy, we have developed a three stage strategy for counterinsurgency: 1) Winning the War 2) Winning the Peace and 3) Winnie the Pooh. We firmly believe that following these steps, victory will be virtually insured…assured. Shit, I always get those confused.

Stage 1: Winning the War
Losing is not an option. There are those who say we should cut and run, but we here at the Pentagon don’t run with scissors. Instead, we intend to use these very metaphorical scissors to puncture the proverbial veil of secrecy behind this insurgency. We are in a way, haircutters, but instead of cutting hair we shoot people and instead of blow drying hair we blow up houses. In every other way we are like haircutters. Except that many haircutters are of the homosexual persuasion and we have banned their kind in our elite fighting force of heterosexual masculine dominance (and women). I guess my point is, we need to kill the terrorists. And we’re going to use guns and a shitload of bombs. That is our new war strategy. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. But Mr. Pentagon isn’t that what you were doing before. Yes it is. More questions? Yeah, how is this adapting to the ever-evolving insurgency? It’s not, precisely because evolution isn’t real. The insurgency only looks like it’s evolving, but really it’s always looked this way because God created it to be this way.

Stage 2: Winning the Peace
A lot of folks in Washington try to simplify the war too much. A war is a complex thing. It’s like a cake. There are a lot of ingredients and when you fuck up, it’s ok, cause you can just throw it out and start over again. Shooting the insurgents dead isn’t the only way we must approach this war. The Army is no longer solely a well-oiled, disturbingly well-equipped, bloodthirsty government death squad; it’s also a political and social tool. Winning the Peace is about utilizing the softer side of the army, the “downy” side if you will. Greeting Iraqis with a smile and hand gesture is often enough to win over even the harshest of insurgents. And maybe give them some candy or something. Hell if I know.

Stage 3: Winnie the Pooh
This is a crucial element to our new counterinsurgency plan. Some of you may be old enough to remember our less politically correct “Winnie the Gook” campaign during Vietnam. Oh man, ol’ Charlie loved playing with those toys right up until the moment they detonated with the high explosives and napalm they were packed with. However, this time we will be dropping actual bears stuffed with stuffing I believe. Will it be explosive stuffing you ask? I like your style, but unfortunately some of the “officials” in Washington won’t allow that. But what the hell am I gonna do if a couple of rogue soldiers stuff their bears with homemade napalm using these readily accessible ingredients in the following proportions: 1 part Styrofoam, 2 parts gasoline. But I digress. Our objective here is to kill them with kindness. Kindness mixed with bullets and napalm. Also, one note, if you accidentally receive a shipment of “Whiny the Jew” bears, please discard them. This are an earlier prototype that was ultimately discarded.

Well, you’ve now learned everything you need to know about counterinsurgency strategy. This concludes the operations component of the field manual. Thanks for reading and remember, if it moves, it’s probably a terrorist so shoot.

If you liked this, you might also like:
The Vietnam War: Of Course We Won
Arabs: Why are they all terrorists?
Military Invasions For Dummies
The Bay of Pigs: Perfection in a Plan
Winnie the Pooh and the Heffalump
HALO

Holy Shit, We're Back

Yes, after a very extended blogging vacation because of a sweet trip to Europe the staff won (the Voice bet us they would write at least one worthwhile article this past year) the blog is back. So sit tight, hold onto your nutsacks/respective genitalia, and prepare for a mind orgasm of hilarity.

Inside the Heckler Vault

Friday, June 22, 2007

Here at Heckler Central, we take great pride in our absolute and unquestioned infallibility. Nevertheless, from time to time, an article submitted to our print issue finds itself revised or altered from its original state. This is the work of the Heckler's crack editorial team, whose members use draconian censorship as a means of disguising their shameful adult illiteracy.

What follows is the restored and digitally remastered version of our popular "Letters to the Heckler" column. Loyal readers will recall seeing it in our first print issue this year. Ha ha, seriously though, they won't recall seeing anything because they don't even exist. Holy Christ, I hate this job.

* * * *

Dear Heckler,
I loved your look at the new Democratic majority in Congress (“Donkeys Throw a Punch,” Jan. 2007). Those were some fascinating profiles! One question, though: are you absolutely sure Barney Frank cut the throat of that Malaysian hooker? I don’t remember hearing about that before.

Timothy Gleason
COL ’09

Barney knows what he did, Tim. This is between him and God now. Just remember: nobody runs forever, Mr. Frank. Nobody runs forever.

Dear Heckler,
I enjoyed your recent interview with Dakota Fanning immensely (“Our Biggest Fanning,” Dec. 2006), but I have to take issue with some of the techniques employed by your reporter. For example, although interviewers often try to “get a reaction” out of a celebrity, it was inappropriate to tell Dakota that her new puppy would “almost certainly die” unless she was nominated for an Oscar. Additionally, while I can sympathize with the writer’s frustration over Ms. Fanning’s seemingly boundless desire for more apple juice, calling the actress a “greedy little cunt” was probably out of line.

Laura McCallihan
SFS ’08

Are you kidding? That little bastard could pound juice boxes like they were cans of PBR. Why am I still arguing with you about this? God, this is just like my divorce.

Dear Heckler,
Hey guys. Great cover story on global warming last week (“Hot Enough For Ya?” Feb. 2007). I never realized how much of what we hear is just liberal “junk science”. The problem is, my friends keep telling me you’re wrong, and higher temperatures aren’t really caused by the muffled screams of Terri Schiavo. Some of them are even implying that I must be a phenomenal retard to believe this shit. Who should I trust?

Jeremy Rifkin
SFS ’07

Sorry to break this to you, Jeremy, but your friends are idiots. Believe what you want, but when your precious “scientist” friends at the New York Times launch their Beer Hall Putsch against America, don’t come crying to us for a brand new feeding tube.

Dear Heckler,
My girlfriend got me a subscription to your paper for Valentine’s Day. The first issue was funny, but there were Cheetos stains on a lot of the pages, and it looked like someone had drawn pornographic sketches all over the margins. Also, the whole issue smelled vaguely of cat urine. Are you guys doing something to my magazine?

Scott Tufnell
MSB ’10

It’s our policy at the Heckler to give each issue a personal touch. If that means engaging in marathon, six hour, Frito-Lay-fueled masturbation sessions to our own hand-drawn amateur smut, then that’s the sacrifice we’re willing to make. The cat piss thing we’re still looking into.

Dear Heckler,
Sometimes after I finish your magazine, I feel a deep sense of loathing for our modern secular culture, and a concern over the debasement of art by shallow proletarian pamphleteering. Why do you suppose this is?

Mitchell Sanders
COL ’09

You are reading the National Review. Please pay closer attention to your next newsstand purchase.

Dear Heckler,
What is wrong with you people? First it was the threatening letters, then the razor blades under my pillow, and now this thing about a dead Malaysian prostitute? I can’t even close my eyes anymore. Last night I saw one of your reporters hiding in my azalea bushes, and when I woke up there was horse blood on my carpet. My own mother won’t return my phone calls. Jesus, why are you doing this to me?

Barney Frank
Not Enrolled

Sorry, Mr. Frank, but it’s too late to apologize. Making enemies with the Heckler was your first mistake. Letting us see your ATM code was your second. Hold on tight, Mr. Frank. It’s going to be a wild ride.

Great Pick-up Lines

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Try this one on for size:

Baby, I'm like quicksand. The more you struggle, the harder it gets.

I've tried it three times and all three ended in me getting laid...with a rape indictment.

Alternate Histories

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Modern science informs us that today’s world is the result of thousands of years of so-called “history”. But what would life be like if humanity’s most pivotal moments had turned out differently?

Event: 480 B.C.: Spartans surrender at Battle of Thermopylae.
Result: Persians conquer Greece, wiping out the nascent arts of gyro preparation and anal sex. King Xerxes expands his empire to unknown realms, but cannot ease the aching loneliness in his heart. With help from a plucky palace orphan, he learns that true happiness must come from within. He announces this discovery in a heartwarming speech widely credited with teaching the world to love again.

Event: A.D. 33: Jesus escapes from the cross.
Result: Making a break from his bumbling Roman captors, the Son of Man reconvenes with his team of scrappy but loyal Apostles in downtown Nazareth. Realizing they have been set up, Jesus and his crew decide to turn the other fist on the biggest Roman of all: Tiberius “Big Papa” Caesar. Outside the Emperor’s apartment, James and Peter distract the local authorities, while Jesus crawls through a series of overhead ducts before dropping down on a shocked Tiberius in bed with his woman. “Render unto Caesar,” quips the Messiah just before delivering the fatal blow.

Event: A.D. 1492: Columbus turns back.
Result: Due to the explorer’s failure to overthrow prevailing scientific consensus, the Earth remains flat for an additional three centuries. Magellan expedition ends in horrifying (though highly predictable) tragedy. Native Americans are forced to waste time and energy spreading smallpox amongst themselves.

Event: A.D. 1865: Lincoln survives.
Result: Flush with the success of his recent Emancipation Proclamation, the thrill-seeking president spends the rest of his term engaging in ever wilder acts of public emancipation. He begins modestly, emancipating his dog Scooter from the corner of the White House sofa, but soon alarms the public with campaigns to emancipate children from their mothers, diabetics from their insulin, and women from their virginity. When a visibly wild-eyed Lincoln announces his plan for the nationwide emancipation of toilet paper from public restrooms, he is visited by the wise and plucky King Xerxes, who teaches him the important lesson that true friendship is God’s most precious gift. They hug as history ends on a freeze-frame.

Event: A.D. 1962: Mick Jagger turns down offer to join Rolling Stones.
Result: Hot rain falls up. Sea mammals begin to die in a baffling wave of extinction, while a strange virus leads to the elimination of all world religions. The Earth’s rotation is spontaneously reversed, causing Zombie Hitler to rise from his grave and conquer the Sudetenland. Beatles have #1 hit for 1965.

Event: A.D. 2006: Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff take each other’s lives in three-day New York shootout.
Result: World peace.

Hold Your Horses, They Finally Made a Barbaro Documentary

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Goddamnit! Why is this Barbaro shit still happening?? Last week HBO aired the first Barbaro documentary, entitled "Barbaro." For the love of god stop this shit. The first line of the New York Times review is: "Caution: Tears will flow." FALSE. Barbaro was a horse. He tripped, broke his leg, and was then executed because the family that owned him didn't want to pay for his upkeep any longer. Now, show me where the tragedy is. The real tragedy is that this documentary was made.

Now, let's just assume that the entire production cost for this documentary was about $100,000, which is a pretty conservative estimate, especially for an HBO documentary. After DVD sales and other commercial activity, let's assume that movie brings in another $100,000, which again I think is pretty conservative. That means the total amount of money involved in the film is about $200,000. Don't you think $200,000 could be spent more wisely than on a fucking horse? Now, think about this. According to the Doctors Without Borders website, for $50 you can buy crucial, life-saving vaccines for 50 people. That means that for the $200,000 spent on the Barbaro documentary, we could have given 200,000 people vaccines that they needed. Let's assume that even 1/4 of these people die, because they don't get these essential vaccines. That's 50,000 dead people. That blood is on Barbaro's hooves. But wait you say, Barbaro is dead, how could he have done this? Well, we have a name for people that are dead and yet still kill others: zombies. I've seen "Dawn of the Dead" so I say we take this whole Barbaro thing and shoot it in the fucking head and let it die once and for all. Amen.

Exclusive Heckler Interview with Barack Obama

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Heckler: Good afternoon Mr. Senator. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Barack Obama: Um, hi.
H: So I have a few questions for you, if that’d be alright?
BO: How did you get into my office?
H: Who’s interviewing whom here? [awkward silence] Haha I’m just kidding, I broke in through the back window. So let’s do this. Describe your ideal day.
BO: Well I think it would be spent doing something that I believed in my heart was making a significant difference in the lives of the American peop…
H: Great. Ok, if you could be an animal what type of animal would you be?
BO: To be quite honest, I’ve always admired grizzly bears for their high intellect and social commitment to each other. Did you know that when male and female grizzly bears start mating they…
H: Grizzly bear? Don’t you mean black bear?
BO: Why? Cause I’m black?
H: Well enough about you, let’s talk about your race.
BO: I am African-American.
H: You’re black. Now people say you’re black, are you black?
BO: Well yes if by that do you mean that the color of my skin is…
H: Now black, black, blackety black, black black?
BO: …is that a question?
H: You tell me. If you’re so black how come you’ve never released a rap album?
BO: That is blatantly racist and just offensive to assume that all black men are rappers.
H: Oh yeah? How about Jay-Z, DMX, Ludacris, and Eminem?
BO: They’re rappers.
H: And they’re black. Case closed.
BO: Eminem is white.
H: Only the outside…Anyways, the New York Times reported the other day that you play pickup basketball. Is that true or is that another vicious lie by the liberal New York Times in an attempt to subtly belittle you by implying that because you play basketball you are an authentic black male.
BO: I do play pickup basketball.
H: When is your rap album coming out?
BO: I’m not a rapper.
H: Now Joe Biden described you as “clean.” How accurate is that?
BO: Well how are you defining clean?
H: All I’m saying is, you’re black right?
BO: This interview is over.
H: Wait, wait. I have just a few more questions. Let’s move away from your race. Now your middle name is Hussein and you’re against the Iraq war. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: Your first name also rhymes with Iraq. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: And your last name rhymes with the last name of America’s most notorious enemy and the leader of Al Qaeda. Is that a coincidence?
BO: Yes.
H: That’s a lot of coincidences don’t you think?
BO: Not really.
H: Don’t you think if Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had a love child in Iraq, they’d name it Barack Hussein Obama?
BO: Are you trying to say Saddam Hussein, who’s dead, and Osama bin Laden who is hiding in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan, somehow copulated in Iraq to and I was the subsequent offspring whom they named by combining and subtly altering their last names and the location of their copulation?
H: No, but with proper editing I believe you just said that. Alright let’s wrap this up. One final question: People say you’re black. That seems important. How important is it that I can’t stop talking about how black you are? You’re so black!
BO: I really think the whole race issue has been blown out of proportion. If you want to judge me, do so by the content of my character and not the color of my skin. Dr. Martin Luther King said that forty years ago and I think it still holds true.
H: So do you hate American or are you just racist?
BO: Get out of my office.

Expert Recap of Tonight's Democratic Debate

Sunday, June 03, 2007

7:00
Candidates arrive; line up to receive "good luck" hugs from Nancy Pelosi.
7:03
Barack Obama appears at podium wearing only bow tie and snap-on pants. Opening statement consists of rhythmic nipple thrusting.
7:05
Larry King addresses first question to President Taft; asks candidates to state position on "the Spaniard situation."
7:22
After prodding from Wolf Blitzer, embarrassed candidates admit they have no idea who Chris Dodd is, either.
7:37
In an effort to prove her masculinity, Hillary Clinton crushes beer can against head, grabs crotch, shoves pelvis violently at camera.
7:41
Joe Biden praises Bill Richardson as, "literate," "well-scrubbed," and "surprisingly free of twirled mustaches." Repeatedly refers to governor as "Señor Taco."
8:10
During lull in questioning, John Kerry attempts to sneak on stage with homemade cardboard podium. Awkward silence ensues.
8:17
John Edwards shocks crowd by announcing withdrawal from presidential race to accept foreman position at local mill. Ha ha, just kidding. He hates poor people so much.
8:20
After "time's up" bell rings, Dennis Kucinich sprouts gossamer wings, disappears in cloud of pixie dust.
8:25
For closing statement, Mike Gravel brings live bear on stage, wrestles it into submission with own hands. Opinion polls declare him unanimous winner of debate.

More Google Searches that Led to the Heckler Blog

Friday, May 18, 2007

Last summer I was really bored and was on the statcounter I have for the blog when I found that you can click "keyword analysis" and find out what keywords people are typing into Google that lead them to your blog. What I found was some weird and random shit that people search for and I posted a few of them [see entry August 10, 2006]. So I decided to check it out again this summer and this is what I found (these are all real, I swear to god):

two in the pink, one in the stink - ...Ok. I don't remember ever writing this in the blog and frankly, if you're searching for this, I don't think you're looking for the Heckler blog at all. Just a hunch. Glad you made it though, I hope you were amused and slightly aroused.

crying and masturbating - First of all, I did not know google searches on your blog included what you did the night before. Shit. I guess I’ll be more careful in the future cause the last thing I need is for some idiot googling "donkey filching." Oh please don't look that up.

twin sex - Ok, this is just something I want to do. Again not really sure how it relates to the blog. But I guess google picks up your innermost desires as well. Damnit google, you’re too good at your job! Again I feel the searcher is going to be a little disappointed by the blog.

usa sucks my balls - We are at war you sick bastard! Goddamnit, we can't have you undermining our troops morale. They read this blog and they do not need to know that such anti-American and pro-terrorist searches lead to it. Come on! But you know what, I hope USA does suck your balls, just so she can wrap her sweet lips of liberty around your sacrilegious sack and then chomp down with her beaming white teeth of justice. America bites back bitch. On a less polemic, ironic Republican rant, why the hell are you doing this search? Unless it's a google image search in which case I am way ahead of you.

falwell hooker - Listen, having sex with Jerry Falwell has always been a fantasy of mine, but it was expensive as hell when he was alive and since he died, oh man, the prices have gone through the roof. Trust me, it is not worth it. Keep the cash and buy yourself something nice, like a global corporation or a hooker that doesn't believe AIDS was God's divine punishment and that separation of church and state was an idea created by Satan.

Things God Might Have Said Right After He Created Jerry Falwell

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

1. Haha oh man that was fun. Oh shit, did I just press “send?” Fuck!
2. I wonder if adding a second dash of “absolutely fucking batshit insane” might have been too much. Unlikely.
3. Well, I guess sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck.”
4. I’ve made a huge mistake.
5. Oh wait! I was supposed to make him gay.
6. April Fools!
7. Well, you can’t win ‘em all.
8. I sure hope people understand the irony.
9. In my own image my ass, I’m not a stupid fat fuck.
10. It’s ok, they think I’m infallible.
11. This just can’t end well.
12. Jesus, oh man Jesus, come over here you gotta see this one. What do you mean am I serious? Of course not.
13. There, now they finally have proof that I have a sense of humor.
14. I hope he never says, “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals,” cause that would mean I created someone who was a fucking idiot.

Quotes From My Favorite Porno "The Raw Shank Redemption"

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It's a great film. I highly recommend it. It's also pretty true to the original story, except that part where "The Sisters" corner Andy. If you remember the film, let's just say Andy doesn't put up a fight in this one. Here are my favorite quotes (you have to imagine Morgan Freeman's voiceover saying them):

1. I used to think it’d take a man 600 seconds to make love to a woman. Old Andy did it in less than 20.

2. Let me tell you something my friend. Syphilis is a dangerous thing. Syphilis can drive a man insane.

3. These balls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways. Your balls.

4. I once got a bunch of hookers. Started beatin’ em. Killed one of ‘em. Funny thing about dead hookers. You can never kill just one.

5. I once got my penis caught in a Chinese finger trap. It hurt. It hurt so much I thought I was gonna cry, but I didn’t. I guess that’s institutionalized.

6. I guess some birds weren’t meant to be caged. I guess I just miss my friend. Well not so much a friend. He was more of a sex slave. Never quite got his name. Couldn’t speak much through the leather mask I made him wear. I guess that’s institutionalized.

Welcome Back to the Blog Bitches

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Well, it's summer again which means two things: the Heckler blog is back and fat people everywhere are going into hibernation. If you've been locked in a cave for the last few weeks you should know that the Heckler just put its first print edition, which you can download at http://www.georgetownheckler.com. It's hilarious, obviously. Keep checking back here for updates throughout the summer as you waste your life away at that miserable unpaid internship you got from your great-aunt's boyfriend, you godforsakenly well connected bastard. I need a job damnit.