Three Issues: Anti-Todd Olson E-Mail Rocks My Parents' Inbox

Thursday, December 18, 2008

1. My dad mentioned today that an impassioned e-mail from a Georgetown parent showed up on their ancient (dating to 1993) AOL account, which, I kid you not, is STUEF4FUN. Yep. Anyway, the Voice blog had a right-up and the text of the e-mail, but they didn't seem to know whether this was from Ivan Batishchev, a student, or his parent. Or maybe it was from someone pretending to Ivan Batischev, because apparently the author spelled his name incorrectly, according to the Georgetown directory and The Hoya, for whom the guy has been an alternatingly incomphenisble and dull cartoonist and, I think, some sort of editor. However, on his two Facebook accounts, the guy does spell it "Ivan Batishchev," with an extra "s" in there.

All of this is to say that I was playing on a wet Healy Lawn with a stolen box of frisbees from McDonough Arena at 4 am one night my freshman year during finals and I met a guy hanging around Lauinger who said his name was Ivan Batishchev. And he also said that he had just drank an entire bottle of NyQuil.

All of this is to say that I may have just drank an entire bottle of NyQuil myself that night and Ivan Batishchev is a figment of my imagination. And then I drank an entire bottle of NyQuil a couple years later and reprised the character in an angry e-mail to parents. And created one or two Facebook accounts for the character.

So we really don't know anything about the authorship here. But I'm going to guess it's either me or J.T. DeGioia.


2. I didn't know about these Todd Olson newsletters until I was searching around for photos of Todd Olson to use in the last issue, but they're pretty much exactly as you'd expect. For example, the person fulfilling work sanction hours by writing this Fall 2008 newsletter made the first paragraph almost exactly the same as the one from last year. The main difference is that performing arts had a "busy round" this year rather than the "inspiring round" they had last year. Also, "It is a time of summing up, and preparing for the joyful holidays ahead" now, not "It is a time of great energy and possibilities."

The most important thing, however, is that they used the same picture as last year. And in this picture it appears that Todd Olson has been Photoshopped into a picture of the ICC Galleria. Man, this picture made my holiday.

Nice.


3. If Ivan Batischev / Ivan Batishchev / his mom doesn't get in trouble for this e-mail, tell your parents they can look forward to my rebuttal to each of Todd Olson's e-mails from now on, along with poems I write under Jack DeGioia's name, cookie recipes, and crude Todd Olson Photoshop jobs:

I have always wanted to send an e-mail of some of my bullshit to gustud@georgetown.edu. Eventually, with this list of Georgetown parents, I hope to tell Sonia Jacobson she can authorize mass Georgetown e-mails on behalf of my cock because I don't need the provost's authorization any more!

Unless I was high on NyQuil and was the one who wrote this Ivan Batishchev e-mail. In that case, I need to stop being so preachy and learn how to write funnier e-mails when I drink bottles of NyQuil.

Letters to University Administrators: John Q Pierce

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

After my worst semester in most regards, last week really fell into place for me. I had about ten things that could have gone terribly wrong before I left for the holiday on Friday afternoon, but none of them did. None. This was a semester in which everything went wrong for me, often in ways that would have seem contrived for a Vince Vaughn Christmas movie. But look, my crazy part-Maori professor actually liked my half-assed paper on Smash Palace. John Glavin actually liked my half-assed short film that was the opposite of what he asked it to be. Ray Danieli did me a solid on the "ten" work-sanction "hours" I "did" for him. And, somehow, I got all the classes for which I registered.

This is a travesty.

Thus, I turn my attention to University Registrar John Q Pierce. Who the hell does this guy think he is? He knows he's not supposed to give me the classes I want. He's supposed to give me the two classes I changed my mind about taking after submitting the pre-registration and not give me the classes I really wanted to take and ranked up near the top. This is the biannual tradition: I try really hard to try to guess which of the classes I want to take people will be interested in, but it doesn't even matter if I'm right because the registration computer finds a way to completely fuck up my schedule.

According to the directory listing for Pierce, the letter "Q" is his middle name. Not even a period; that's it. Who is he, Harry Truman? A secret agent? Well, this is the first result for a Google Image search:


So Q is a double agent now? Why has he betrayed James O'Donnell and Her Majesty (actually, the same person) to give me, Britain's enemy, a perfect, impossibly easy yet undeniably major-satisfying schedule? There's only one way to find out: Go straight to the top, to Q himself!

The following e-mail was sent to John Q Pierce. If he responds, I'll include it later.


Mr Pierce:

I have a major complaint about your registrarring. This upcoming semester, seemingly when I needed it most, I wound up with a perfect schedule. Everything that I wanted. Multiple classes that filled up quickly and now have people suffering on their waitlists, I got in.

I ask you: What is your angle, Mr Pierce?

I have always wound up with poor pre-registration results. I have always had to completely re-work my schedule with the classes that still had open space after pre-registration. I have tried to get the popular professors, the professors you are supposed to take in your given field before graduating from Georgetown, and I have always been stuck with some second-rate foreign import or inexperienced doctoral candidate. Mysterious, is it not, that you chose this semester to make everything perfect?


Mr Pierce, I managed to get the worst grades of my academic career this fall. I managed to have not one, but two, MacBooks of mine self-destruct, destroying precious notes needed for upcoming exams and academic papers and freelance writing that had not yet been handed in to their respective parties. And yet you decided to make things easy for me all of a sudden?


Starting to feel nervous, Mr Pierce?


Either you have a dark sense of humor, or you are working for the Russians. And if you do not tell me what the "Q" stands for, I will report you to the CIA.


Please remove me from all the classes I got into.


Jack Stuef



Also, let me note that there will not be another new issue of the Heckler before spring semester. Not that either of us cares.

Fun with Anagrams

Friday, November 21, 2008

Heather Maginnis

A Methanes Hiring
A Methane Grins Hi
A Sheathing Miner
A Herniating Hems
A Nightmarish Nee
A Tarnishing Heme
Anemia Thresh Gin
Seaman Hire Thing
Shanghai Enter Mi
A Enema Nigh Shirt

Heather Maginnis Googles Self On Company Time

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Heather A. Maginnis


Heather A. Maginnis, the Director of NSO who gave us so much publicity a year or so back, sent us an e-mail today:

Please remove my name from the letters section.

Heather

--
Heather A. Maginnis
Director of New Student Orientation
Assistant Director of Student Programs
Center for Student Programs
Georgetown University
316 Leavey Center
Washington, DC 20057

Direct: (202) 687-4505
Center: (202) 687-3704
Fax: (202) 687-8940
Email: ham23@georgetown.edu


We love getting e-mails from Heather! Her e-mail address is "ham."

This one's especially funny though because the e-mail was sent at 1:02 p.m., otherwise known as, I'm assuming, company time. And why was she googling herself? Did she send in an application for a new job? Is she vain? Or are administrators just required to waste a certain amount of the university's money every day? That last one, I'd bet.

Also, the fake letter we wrote was of her asking us to remove information from another fake letter we posted. This is now mind-boggling.

Now, usually I'd get mad about being asked to change names of public-ish figures like Ms. Maginnis, because using them is, you know, protected by the Constitution. However, it has allowed us to use an even better name, Heat Her Mag Innise, and the even even better extended version, Heat Her A., Mag Innise. Enjoy it, Ms. Maginnis! Good luck with the job search!


Note: Heather Maginnis will find this on Google next week when she is supposed to be making O.A. nametags, so her name will also soon be changed in this blog post to Heat Her A., Mag Innise.

Libelous Statements by WaPo

Monday, November 17, 2008

Look, the Heckler was mentioned in The Washington Post:

...at the Georgetown Heckler, one of dozens of campus knockoffs the paper has spawned.
Hey, Wells Tower, if that is your real name: We're sick of the smear tactics you and The Washington Post are constantly using against the Heckler.  We weren't "spawned" by The Onion.  We were created at Georgetown by the hand of the almighty Catholic God in the image of His own personal humor publication.  Playing a bit loose with the word "knockoff," eh? 

And the correct style of our name is The Georgetown Heckler, not that abomination.  That's just offensive, and The Washington Post of all people should be sensitive to that.

Also, Mr. Tower, I may have looked the other way when you stole that lemonade from that half coffee-shop, but don't look for me to be so nice the next time you come to cover Georgetown's Finest Humor Magazine.

2008-09 Heckler Hoya Basketball Preview, Part 2

I was almost going to say, "It's going to be a long year!"  But then I looked at the free throws.  72.7%!  We are saved!

2008-09 Heckler Hoya Basketball Preview, Part 1

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Like every other campus publication of note at Georgetown, the Heckler is here to bring you our 212th-annual basketball season preview, only in blog post form. We have the analysis and insight you can't find anywhere else. First, let's look at our starting line-up this year:


Eric Cusimano
Georgetown's original male cheerleader is back for another season of Hoya hoops. Who is Eric Cusimano? You may notice him giving campus tours around in his cheerleading outfit, and you'd be right to think he's the perfect embodiment of Georgetown: When I was in Winston-Salem, NC for the second round of the 2007 NCAA Tournament, he mentioned to me, without prompt, that he wanted us to beat Boston College because he didn't get in when he applied there the year before. "I'm not sure I would admit that so freely," I said, "but how did you get into Georgetown and not Boston College?" "Maybe because my parents both went here," he answered. With two years of experience under his elastic belt, look for Cusimano to drop a few more girls, obnoxiously yell and beat his chest for no apparent reason more often, and be even more unaware of what's going on on the court this season.

Verizon Center Court Guy
That guy with the glasses and Georgetown windbreaker who runs the contests on the court during timeouts and half-time may have already killed himself, but if not, look for him to accidentally trip a couple of children during Dress Like a Hoya, ask a couple Jiffy Lube trivia questions that are not the ones displayed on the jumbotron, and secretly give Capitols tickets to a hot girl who chose the letter with no prize in it in StubHub Deal or No Deal.

Dance Contestants
Don't get distracted by the babies that are being forced to dance or the adorable toddlers that are dancing poorly. There are only four real contestants: alum with beer who looks like Eugene Mirman, two giant black guys who sit at the end of the courtside seats by the pep band, and Amadou Kilkenny-Diaw's little brother. The kid is the only one who's very good, so look at him to clean up this year, though he may win fewer contests because he's older and less of a novelty. The other three will win some contests, based on their charm alone.

Person in the Jack Suit
As the real mascot has only seemed to get better as he ages, the fake person-in-a-suit mascot has gotten worse. Last year, for some reason, there was a new head that looked like some sort of cat head. Worse, it seemed to change every game early in the year whether the old head or the new one would be worn. Also, the mascot was inexcusably short and reportedly once used pom-poms with the cheerleaders. From what I've seen at football games this year, the person isn't doing anything that offends the tradition of the mascot, except perhaps walking around with pumpkin pie filling staining it at one game; mostly, the mascot has just been boring.

Mountaineers
Go home!

Hoya on the Go!

Thursday, November 06, 2008


It seems like this Web-log has been doing a lot of coverage of The Hoya lately. And why not? When you're on the cutting edge of journalism, or are just the only campus publication people think they may have heard of somewhere once before, you're bound to get a lot of ink spilled about you! Or in this case, Web-ink. Or bink.

Up next from The Hoya's disorientating Mach-3 rush of cutting-edge news media technology is Hoya on the Go!, their new pod-'cast (they don't use an exclamation point, as far as I can tell, but they should [take note, Bailey!]). And like most sections of their website, this pod-'cast is secret. Well, maybe it's not as secret as their secret blogging, but as far as pod-'casts go, it's a pretty secret. Now let's review it!

Hoya on the Go! is not one of your "We're going to discuss something" or "I'm going to present you information" or "We're going to be at least entertaining" pod-'casts. No! This pod-'cast gives people what they really want: Pod-'cast-ers looking at a copy of The Hoya and reading it to them word for word. I mean, what is this, a state school? We're not going lower ourselves by reading some newspaper or internet article at Georgetown. We need people to read things to us. This pod-'cast solves that problem.

Two episodes are up so far, and I have to say, cutting the nice intro and outro music from the first episode was a bad call, Hoya. That's pretty much the only thing I listened to, and I've come to expect a lot more from random files hosted on leetmusic.com.

W.H.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008



HAPPY BLACK NEW YEAR'S, EVERYBODY!

OCTOBER SURPRISE IN NOVEMBER: OBAMA KIDNAPPER TERRORIST

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

In a terrifying revelation, shocking photos came out today proving that Barack Obama, known as Hussein the Curious Terrorist amongst friends, steals children with a wild glee in his eyes:



As Sean Hannity reported, Obama was also the prime suspect in the disappearance of sexy blond girl Natalie Holloway in Aruba in 2005, who partied so hard she literally died. Obama is reported to have carved a backwards "B" in her face for booyah! his catchphrase when he abducts children, which he shouts before leaping out of the bushes and dazzling them with his oratorical skills. We'll have more on the story as it unfolds. As usual, trust the Heckler for all your breaking election news coverage.

BREAKING NEWS: JOHN MCCAIN IMPLICATED IN DEATH OF JOHN MCCAIN'S POLITICAL CAREER

Pumpkin Dimolitsas

Friday, October 31, 2008

As promised, I made a Spiros Dimolitsas pumpkin earlier today. Now, don't hassle me on the DeGioia one. I spent a lot more time on this one, and I had a chance to learn from the mistakes I made the first time.


By the way, have you ever read his biography? How did he get that job? He has nothing to do with academia, unless you count his five patents. Yeah, FIVE PATENTS FOR SUCKING BLOOD! I guess every Catholic school has to have one vampire on staff. Anyway, compare:


And there they are, your Georgetown administrator pumpkins!


I should really be studying or something.

Pumpkin DeGioia

Thursday, October 30, 2008

After stealing two pumpkins from GUSA (Thanks, Twistah! Or whoever's pretending to be Twister these days.), I set out to skip my obligations and create a Todd Olson pumpkin. That didn't seem to work, though. Perhaps he's too socially awkward to be a pumpkin. So I had to go with a classic:


Hey look, DeGioia's on campus! Compare:


Who should I do for the second pumpkin? In the spirit of the season, I'll probably do Vice President for Vampire Affairs Spiros Dimolitsas:


Yeah, Spiros.

This Blog Post Is Going On A Pumpkin

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Here's the deal: our job is to make fun of the stuff that goes on here. But we can't do that if nothing is going on here. What the hell happened to The Hoya? It used to be filled with stupid stuff administrators do, stupid stuff student groups do, and racism and homophobia and all that good stuff. But, besides lucking out with everyone getting noroed a few weeks back, there's been nothing.

The cover story for Tuesday was "Students From Swing States Favor Obama, UWire Study Reports." Really? You don't say. Not only does Obama have a big lead in national polls, but college students support him? How has the national press not covered this?

Then I see their cover photo:


Look, they just took a photo of that fucking pond by W-G'r. Wow. Apparently that's a major news event, that pond continuing to exist on campus. When I was a freshman they had gay people kissing on their front cover, just to get the crazy Catholics to flip out at them. Those were the days!

Now there's been barely any meaty news stuff coming out. What's the problem? Does The Hoya just totally suck at journalism now, or are the people around here too lazy and concerned with "classes" to beat up a gay kid or throw a brick through Max Sarinsky's window? How are we supposed to write our issues, much less this blog, if there's nothing going on?

And what about you, Stewards? You re-paint the Hoya Saxa sign? You relaunch the Academy, but make it boring? You haven't even promised to fund a Heckler issue this year before pulling out of your commitment after it's been printed? Give me a break. Show your dedication to Georgetown by at least stealing the Healy clock hands or kidnapping DeGioia or something. Seriously, you asked that weird Knights of Columbus kid who plays Super Smash Bros. every Saturday night in the Village C Alumni Lounge with his friends from high school to become one of you? C'mon.

Somebody do something before I have to do a parody post of that George III blog. Please. I don't want to acknowledge that thing. Or actually dig up stuff that's going on on campus myself.

Press Clubin'

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sometimes God / the National Press Club will ask The Onion to send some people over to talk about their War For The White House coverage, and your Heckler editor will have to skip Midnight Madness. And the journalists, who are all losing their jobs, will try to be polite at first and then will really, really just want their questions on how this thing makes money and keeps hiring new people answered. And The Onion will eventually end that panel discussion and get drunk for free in the posh members-only Truman Lounge, home to presidents of the United States playing the piano, a bunch of owl sculptures, and a little old mustachioed bartender in a red vest. And whether or not your Heckler editor is 21, after awhile he will doublefist the half-drunk wine glasses of people he doesn't know:



And Joe Garden will ingest the cake of people he doesn't know:



And it will be the best night ever.

Oh yeah, I haven't been keeping blog readers up to date with what I've been writing in The Onion. I apologize. Assume I wrote everything you thought was funny, and this.

NEW ISSUE NEW ISSUE NEW ISSUE

Monday, October 13, 2008

Look, we finally put up our first issue of the year. Hooray! Love it. Love us. Please.



Done watching that? Okay.

This video was originally conceived before norovirus BROKE OUT, and it was supposed to be shot in Leo's, basically making fun of everything inside there. But things changed and we couldn't shoot the stuff in Leo's, so we (me, Rapoport, Rabiroff) made up most of this video on the spot. Special thanks goes to John Thompson III for agreeing to walk by me as I was eating a bush. He improvised that giving me a dollar thing, which was really funny and inspired us as to how to finish the video. Special thanks also goes to AD Bernard Muir for standing there and allowing this, and special thanks does not go to Asst. Coach Robert Burke, who kept calling me Kevin Farley and mocking me.

SaxaSpeak: We are easily offended.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

SaxaSpeak thinks the title of an article in the Daily Pennsylvanian on our homecoming game (entitled "Hoyas best hope: More norovirus") is in poor taste.  Huh?  That's... true.  As was proven today on the field.  Is no one allowed to make fun of norovirus or our football team?  I guess they will be very offended by our next issue.


Speaking of our next issue, it should be online Monday or Tuesday.  Our next installment of Heckler Video will feature, among other things, a brilliant improvised performance by the greatest man to grace our campus.  So look forward to that.

New Leo's Documentary Coming Out

Friday, October 03, 2008

I just saw a preview for a new documentary coming out on the norovirus outbreak here:

.

My only criticism: I question the choice of Morgan Freeman to portray Todd Olson. Other than that, very accurate and well balanced.

Eat Your Heart Out, Large Hadron Collider

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Currently I am sitting in the "convenient" replacement for Leo's, Center Grill.  And... there are no chicken fingers.  None.  


This begs the question: Is today still Chicken Finger Thursday, or did the universe skip a day and today is Friday?  I have no idea.  Perhaps chicken fingers just naturally form in the Leo's fryers whether the cafeteria is open or not.  Perhaps the heath inspectors in Leo's had to make some chicken fingers there today so the universe wouldn't end.

I guess I'll find out when I go to class today if it's still Chicken Finger Thursday.

Take My President, Please

Monday, September 29, 2008


Do it, Georgetown website!

During a Sept. 25 ceremony in New York, Georgetown President John J. DeGioia received an honorary Doctorate of Laws from Queen’s University, located in Northern Ireland, for his commitment and service to global education.

“In honoring him … Queen’s is recognizing an eminent and visionary educationalist who has played a pivotal role in enhancing the valuable links between our two institutions and between the United States and Northern Ireland,” said Queen’s President and Vice Chancellor Peter Gregson.
What is an "educationalist," another word for an embarrassing opportunist bureaucrat who happens to work in the field of education? And why the hell would anyone give DeGioia an honorary degree?
A Queen’s University delegation flew to New York last week in an attempt to forge new research and educational links between Northern Ireland and the United States.
Ahhhh, okay. They just want to get their hands on our school's resources. I was a little worried there someone was treating our president as a serious academic. Carry on, Ulstermen. According to a Wikipedia search for "Queen's University," you're not even the best school named that, but I'm sure you'll get there someday, probably without DeGioia's help, as you'll find out.

But please, please, please make him your new president.

Public Safety Alert: Metaphor in West Georgetown

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A homeowner reported to the Metropolitan Police Department at approximately 3:30 a.m. on Sunday, September 21, 2008 that a group of 12-15 white males and females broke into his home. Another resident of the home confronted the individuals and they left the premises. The homeowner discovered that a bronze bull's head sculpture worth $25,000 was missing. MPD reported this incident to DPS on Tuesday, September 23, 2008.
Folks, if you want to make a point about the state of Wall Street and our national economy, don't do it through Metro. That's a misuse of our city's resources.

The Hoya's Secret Blogging

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Our blog here reached 100 posts the other day, and in response, it seems, The Hoya has been forced to rethink its blog plans once again. Previously, they were sticking to writing secret blog posts that nobody could read, except for the two or three they would publish every semester. Currently, they have a secret election blog called "Hoya Gonna Vote For?" But now, they've realized their secret blogging is getting little attention. So they've created a Hoya version of SaxaSpeak! (Though, since yesterday, it has now become secret too. You can't get to it from the main link on the Hoya homepage, but you can from here.)

What is that you say? Those are the exact posts from the real SaxaSpeak except now they're coded to look a lot more unsightly? Well, yeah. That's how The Hoya does everything.

I'm sorry that you feel so threatened by this blog, Hoya, but the answer is not creating more and more blogs that you never actually post on. Keep doing it though; it's hilarious.

And to SaxaSpeak: doesn't this "partnership" mean you're actually inside "University censorship" now?

Rejected Drink Ideas

Friday, September 19, 2008

I was in The Tombs the other night, bored out of my mind, staring at their inane drink list. As a general rule I refuse to drink cocktails with names that are neither witty (read: stupid puns) nor offensive and ended up drinking nothing the whole night and was wholly unable to convince any women to make the biggest mistake of their lives and sleep with me. I now present to you my own personal drink menu were I to open a bar:

The Naga-Saki Bomb – It burns all the way down into your future generations.

The Jewdriver – A drink you sip very slowly and neurotically while constantly complaining that it’s both poor in quality and lacking in quantity.

The Black Russian – I’ve never seen one, but he will be very drunk on Vodka and he will kick your fucking capitalist ass.

Kamikaze – Just as you bring the drink to your lips a Japanese man in a plane who will fly into your mouth and kill you. I know, I know it's a real drink, but have you ever been attacked by a Japanese man while drinking it? That's what I thought.

The Shirley Temple of Doom – A twist on the typical non-alocholic beverage. This one is made with Everclear and the blood of young virgins. The cherry, of course, is still included.

I'm also officially introducing The Official Georgetown Heckler Cocktail Contest. Send us your favorite drink titles (editor@georgetownheckler.com) OR if you work at the Tombs get one of these drinks on the menu and I'll give you $5.

Dried Up Semen

(Our GUSA administration, moments before a coked-out jizzing)


In between congratulating themselves for reflecting on how racist they are, in today's issue of The Hoya, the ed board tells us that Juicy Campus is a "cancer," but "projects are already in the works to stop the spread of the Juicy infestation!" Hooray!

Though the ed board endorses a "boycott" of the website that is going to kill us all, it also applauds those who would like to censor it. Really?
I understand why Pat Dowd wants to block Juicy Campus from university Web connections. Just look at this. Now one might say, that's just some baseless name-calling that any adult with any degree of emotional stability and self confidence would get quickly let go. And you'd be right. So I guess them trying to ban us from seeing this information means it must be true.

That's right, folks: James Kelly uses poop for lube, he's an idiot transfer; he has a crooked, short, uncircumcised penis that smells like chicken tika masala and onion rings; he is a cokehead; and, of course, James Kelly's hair isn't gray, it's Pat Dowd's dried up semen. This may sound hard to believe, but apparently, it's all true.

I really, really hope Juicy Campus does not get blocked. Not because it's not a piece-of-shit stupid website, which it is. But 1) this is a Catholic school, and as soon as you open the door to blocking websites, freshmen are no longer going to be able to gather in the room of someone on their floor and watch a horse fuck a man to death. And 2) people around here really need to gain some skills for the real world, like being able to handle petty name-calling.

And as soon as we ask the administration to protect us from ourselves on the Internet, you're just opening the floodgates for these people to "protect us from ourselves" in other areas.

A little while back, I made a post about myself on Juicy Campus. The first reply was "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR," which is hilarious, of course, because I was loving my neighbor as myself, because I was talking about myself. The second reply was "agreed. dude is a total closet ass pirate." Now, I do not actually go around the small enclosed rooms of this university raping and pillaging our gays, but I decided to let it be.

Grow a pair, Georgetown. And use that pair to jizz on James Kelly's head, or, like I do, fuck every guy on campus as if it's your personal mission.

Shill! Shill! Shill!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hey look, it's a bunch of people you know shilling for U.S. News and World Report!



I was thinking we would win this with our next edition of Heckler Video, but look at 0:26. Yeaaaaaaah. The football team. Our football team is... yeah.


Via, umm, Saxa Speak? Apparently this blog has been around for over 200 years, but I had never heard of it. Thanks Will. Thill.

Let Loose the Dogs of Juicy Campus

Friday, September 12, 2008

As you have heard from the ads on Facebook, in between telling you you're gay, Juicy Campus has come to Georgetown. And not a moment too soon, I say, for things were getting too civil around here.

Already this thing has provided a great wealth of information. Such as these nuggets:


Fucking lobsters on your pants
Motherfuckers walking around in their vineyard vines polos, some gay
sunglasses and a visor. Stick your pale pink shorts up your urethra and
piss blood you fucking bitches. Yeah.

Interests: Roofies, GUGS, Busch Light, investment banking. Georgetown 09-12-2008 Tags: polo,bros,gugs

"I mean, like, I went to Taft and all but like I'm a chill
kid. Like I'm chill. I'm down to smoke bowls, drink, whatever. I
rock these sailing pennants on my shorts because I like, love to
sail you know?"

Fuck your clown colored top siders. Rock that shit clean or not
at all.

And fuck a bowl, get Blunted.

"Yeah what's up dawg, yeah man, we got kegs in the
back, liquor in the living room, and fucking sluts
EVERYWHERE!" Maaan, you shoulda been here tuesd--
YO WHAT UP BEN! -- yeah, anyway, that's my boy Ben,
he's fucking chill. You should chill with him. Yeah, I
mean shit gets pretty crazy here, yo gimme a
pound."

You piece of shit, I hope you get hit by a fucking bus.
I'd kill you myself but I'm too busy fucking your girl
is the browneye.

Fritz Brogan
i have heard rumors that the movie "music and lyrics"
was based on his life


James Kelly
James Kelly's hair isn't gray, it's Pat Dowd's dried up semen


Yes! Unfortunately, I have no idea who most of the people discussed here are. I guess I'm running with the wrong crowd. So, in my ever-present spirit of shameless self-promotion, I had to add my own contribution to Juicy Campus.

Looking for the Needle


Independence is around here somewhere, you just have to look hard enough.

Letters to University Administrators

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Read Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets. I think this is like the third article I wrote for The Onion, but it was put into this issue, which is made up of extra articles written before the staff's week-long break last week.


Struggling for content and inspired by Robert Popper of Look Around You, perhaps the greatest television program ever, I came up with this potential blog-post generator: writing stupid e-mails to random Georgetown bureaucrats.

Last night I wrote to Josetta Moore, who, according to the Dining website, is Food and Beverage Director. She is obviously bad at her job, because she has yet to respond, but if she does, I will share it later. Here's the e-mail:


Ms. Moore:

Hello. My name is Jack Stuef and I am the President of the Georgetown University Soft Drink Society (GUSDS), a small group of friends on campus who get together to share with one other our love of soft drinks. We're not SAC-funded yet, but we're working on it.

Anyway, I'm sure, as Food and Beverage Director, you are quite aware of the selection of soft drinks at your cafeteria, or, as you are now, a collection of restaurants inside a former cafeteria. I have to commend you on them. From Coke to Diet Coke to Cherry Coke, and, if we're feeling a little crazy, Sprite, your establishment has some of the best Coke products in the business, and soft-drink aficionados such as ourselves are more than happy to drink at Leo's together quite often. Every once in awhile your syrup-to-water ratios are skewed so badly that we have to spit our drinks out, but that is a rare occurrence, and we are used to performing such an action whenever we take club trips out to soft-drink tastings.

Unfortunately, I am sorry to say, we now have some problems.

First, I have to say our club had high hopes for The Diner, the new restaurant that has leased space from you on the bottom level. However, the owners of this restaurant have failed to meet our expectations. They seem to have gotten the decor correct, but the soft-drink service is lacking severely. We assumed, for one, that these restauranteurs would install a classic soda fountain in their new restaurant, because this is a diner, and everybody on campus knows how much our club enjoys a good retro soft drink. They did not. I can understand this, perhaps, because the cost of a soda fountain can be prohibitive (we are currently fund-raising for one of our own). However, if you can't even get a fountain and a proper soda jerk, I at least expect table service. The other day, I asked a rather large woman with glasses who was wiping off our table if I could get a waitress over to our booth so we could order some root-beer floats, but she just laughed at me. This was very disconcerting.

Now these restauranteurs may have quashed our hopes for The Diner, but at least I can count on Leo's traditional high-quality, right? WRONG. Ms. Moore, where have the blue cups gone? Those cups were the cornerstone of our experience at your former dining-hall. Now, with all of these restaurants, not only do we still have to procure beverages ourselves, but you have taken away our blue cups too? This is shameful. I know this, just like the removal of trays, is not just a way for your corporation, ARAMARK, to greedily keep costs down, but then why have you done this to us? I assume this has something to do with your corporation's heroic attempts to help the environment, but I can't figure out how. Please enlighten us.

Now I know Leo's is very popular (practically every freshman and sophomore I know has a meal plan!), but we think there are a few problems. We don't want to have to use our meals at one of your competitors' campus dining halls, so we hope we can reach a resolution on these matters.

We look forward to hearing from you.


Jack Stuef
President
Georgetown University Soft Drink Society

Heckler Blog Classic 1

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


Hey blog readers,

Listen, real sorry about not posting. I thought I would be better at this. Somehow I've gotten back to Georgetown and become less in touch with what's going on. In order to give you new content, now that it seems nobody else on staff wants to write this blog, I've decided to recycle some old content! Heckler Blog Classic has been born!

Here's the deal: last summer I worked for Bill Richardson's presidential campaign in Iowa, but they wouldn't let me blog. I had to delete the handful of posts I had written before I started the job. However, BR has an Al Gore-style depression beard now and I have no prospect of a sweet job in the VP's office (Biden!), so let's bring them back from the dead.

One warning: I just realized I have become a much, much better humor writer in a year, though I was somehow much, much better at Photoshop back then. Also, nobody will probably remember what this post is referring to. Figure it out, you have the Internet!

Look for a new issue of the Heckler towards the end of this month/beginning of next month. Probably just online. And I'll try to make fun of The Hoya tomorrow, promise.


Shamu Speaks Out (5/24/07)

Cross posted on The Huffington Post.

There has been a great deal of controversy lately over what I said on the May 17th episode of The View. Here's the transcript:

SHAMU: I just want to say something. 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists?
HASSELBECK: Who are the terrorists?
SHAMU: 655,000 Iraqis — I’m saying you have to look, we invaded –
HASSELBECK: Wait, who are you calling terrorists now? Americans?
SHAMU: I’m saying if you were in Iraq, and the other country, the United States, the richest in the world, invaded your country and killed 655,000 of your citizens, what would you call us?
HASSELBECK: Are we killing their citizens or are their people also killing their citizens?
SHAMU: We’re invading a sovereign nation, occupying a country against the U.N.

Now, this is more than Donald Trump calling me fat. I am not going to swim here and let people attack me. People are saying that I am calling the troops terrorists. As you can see, I did not say that at all. I support the troops. Any doubters out there obviously have not seen my show "Believe." Though it makes no sense in the show, at the beginning, I salute members of the armed forces that are in the audience. Every time. You cannot attack me on this. If I wasn't in my right mind I would bite off the limbs of my naysayers right now. But that is not who orcas are. We are not "killer" whales. I may be an opponent of this war, but I will always protest against it peacefully and always in respect of our brave troops in the field.

Republican warmongers are saying celebrities like myself are out of touch on the war issue. But I say, look at the polls people! America wants to get out of Iraq, and if what I say can help do that (and I know it does), I am willing to make a splash.

We Can Finally Confirm DeGioia Cannot Write His Own Name

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


After a great deal of thinking, and after the astonishment of seeing at SAC Fair that not only does this blog have at least five readers, at least five readers came up and said they wanted it to continue, we have decided to do so. So I hope you can take the heat, Voice blog that writes about Georgetown in Latin.

The best news to come from our president in awhile: he just couldn't go get a pen and put in the effort to sign onto the Amethyst Initiative because, well:

“There are just more important issues of the day for me to be weighing in on at this point in time,” DeGioia said in an interview with THE HOYA on Wednesday. “We’re a nation at war, we’re having some real difficulties with our economy. There are just a range of issues on which I could offer my perspective and my engagement, and I just feel that right now my priorities have to be placed elsewhere.”
You have to admit, that's pretty creative of him.

It's tough to be DeGioia. People are constantly forcing him to develop plans to fix our economy and get us out of Iraq. If DeGioia wasn't in Baghdad shooting up insurgents, formulating ideas in Bernanke's office all day, or making the President's Office staff install flat-screen televisions in his house (ok, according to my source in there, that one's actually true), he would have time to deal with issues that might, you know, have something to do with students. I mean, he's not the president of some sort of school. He's the president of the war and the economy. A president of, if you will, the United States. These student publications that come into his office only want to talk about student issues, and they don't realize how he can't spend a few precious seconds to order someone to sign his name onto a document. If he wastes those seconds, it will be Armageddon. Not that I don't think he won't cause Armageddon eventually anyway.

I love how Todd Olson tells us what we already know to be the reason DeGioia's name won't be signed onto this. But isn't a little cliche by now for a balding, glasses-wearing, evil vice-president to control things behind the scenes and not let the president know why he's doing what he's doing?

But unlike the other guy, not only does Todd Olson sense the president is on his way out, he senses that he might be the one to replace him. I assume DeGioia will be here to perplex me for the rest of my time at Georgetown, but you heard it here first: a President Todd Olson in 2010. Hold your children close.

Of Course We Have a Sandwich Named After Us

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


I received a tip this summer from Heckler writer H.A.F. that Epicurean and Co. offers a sandwich named "The Georgetown Heckler." I assumed he must have either been mistaken or the sandwich consists of dog shit smeared on a half-slice of potato bread.

I went over to the restaurant today after picking up an internet adapter from UIS, and, wow, they actually did name a sandwich after us. And even better, out of all these sandwiches named after Georgetown stuff, we are the only campus publication to have one named after us. Take that, Georgetown Federalist. You may steal our layout design, but you can never steal our sandwich. Unless, of course, the Heritage Foundation or Second Stewards buy the naming rights for you, which they probably will.

There we are on the board, sandwich number C9, as you can maybe see from this grainy cellphone photo. And surprisingly, we sound like we taste pretty good. Fresh mozzarella, plum tomato, pesto, mixed greens, and fresh basil on focaccia bread.

I didn't buy one, because it's pretty expensive (a higher dollar amount, actually, than the net worth of its namesake publication), but please get one and let us know what we taste like.

Now this sandwich begs the question: Why is this what they imagined the Heckler would be like in sandwich form? Here's my interpretation of what each part represents:

  • Fresh mozzarella: Wearing Your Collar Down Is For Poor People, the piece that has by far gotten us the most traffic; it became an internet meme a few years ago and helped establish us as one of the better college humor magazines
  • Plum tomato: Administrator humor, nice and juicy
  • Pesto: Dick jokes, which have come in throughout our history to help the publication survive in lean times
  • Mixed greens: The occasional Onion-style national news items that make Heckler writers feel like they're writing something more than 5 people understand
  • Fresh basil: Alcohol, crippling depression, and other strong factors that allow us to write what we do
  • Focaccia: Justin Droms, Heckler founder and former editor of Cracked, who keeps this all together
And all of it is fresh, just like our satire. Or at least the stuff is only a couple months old.

Megabus Hates CollegeHumor

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I was trying to follow a link to a Zach Galifianakis interview, and I got hit with this:


Site blocked? Adult Themes and Lingerie/bikini? Why didn't they mention the annoying fratty humor? Or the nudity? And look, they even sell ads to annoy you even more with these pages.

Worse still, when I was trying to find a Galifianakis video to link to, it told me YouTube was blocked for "Video Sharing, Adult Themes." C'mon, YouTube?

Apparently Megabus is a lot more conservative about adult themes and bikinis and "video sharing" than it is about bootleg movies.

At least the Onion website, home to naked Joe Garden and other adult themes, is not censored.

The Return of Megabus Blogging

Just a half hour or so ago I wrapped up my fellowship at The Onion. I doubt I'll ever have such a good job again, but at least they're keeping me on as a contributing writer. That's right, guy sitting next to me reading this as I type (he just now turned away): I get to write jokes for beer and book money this year.

In a set of circumstances that can only be possible with Georgetown's Finest Humor Magazine, I got on the bus just moments ago to find my fellow Heckler editor Jon Rapoport, back from a year studying at Edinburgh and traveling the world, sitting on this very bus. If he can tear himself away from watching The Wire on his iPod—which is unlikely—I'll pass the laptop over for a double-team Heckler Megabus blogfest.

Back to Onion news, a few days back the Onion back-to-school issue went up online. You should check out the special features, for which I wrote a number of the jokes, and this news-in-brief item featuring a couple names you might recognize. Also, you may recognize the opinion headline as a bastardized joke about OAs from our new student guide.

I also wrote the SorCon article last week. It was my headline and article, and it's probably my favorite thing I wrote during the fellowship. Georgetown students are sure to enjoy it. Those hyper-ambitious douche bags.

Between The Wire and me having to write an Onion article before getting back to campus, I'm not sure there will be anymore Megabus blogging this time. But please enjoy this photo of Newark or some shit:

He did it again.

Monday, August 25, 2008


DeGioia fucking did it again:

in [sic] the tradition of the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, Georgetown President John J. DeGioia led new students in an exercise using colored dots to symbolize the world's population. Asking all 3,500 attendees to imagine they represent the 6.5 billion people in the world, DeGioia asked groups to stand based on stickers on their programs.
Seriously?! Write a new fucking speech! Holy shit. How many years in a row has he made this speech? 8?

Should we continuing running this piece I wrote last year until DeGioia gets forced out of office?

Oh wait, St. Ignatius used to stick colored dots on people's programs? Carry on.

Heaps and Heaps of Bailey

Friday, August 22, 2008

Today the world saw a brand new issue of The Hoya.

Let's trash it!

First up, "GU Enhances Safety Measures." What is this story? Well, basically it's that exact email that was sent last night to students from Rocky DelMonaco and Todd Olson. Seriously, Victoria Fosdal uses the exact terms from the e-mail that would seem most controversial: "enhance safety," "community-based," "protective equipment," "batons." Did she not notice that all of these words have been spun? Distance your self from your source a little bit. "Protective equipment" sounds nice, but what it means is DPS officers hitting drunk students this year, and not with gymnastics "batons," but with nightsticks.

Here's a line from the e-mail: "officers... have also undergone comprehensive training in the proper care, use, and storage of this protective equipment." Here's a line from the article: "officers had to undergo extensive training to learn how to properly care, use and store the equipment."

“We want to minimize the ‘us against them’ mentality,” Van Slyke is quoted as saying. I guess using the main campus newspaper to deliver your spin on things is the first step in that.

How about the opinion page? The editorial board uses the opportunity to take shots at the last DPS director while only saying "Van Slyke comes to Georgetown from the University of Mississippi and University of Texas with an impressive résumé" (We Deserve a New Safety Era). Apparently they didn't read this or the Voice blog yesterday (not that anyone does). And in the other op-ed on the subject, somebody tells students that they need to do everything the administration tells them to do about security (To Improve Campus Safety, Students Must Support Administrative Efforts).

Besides the usual new-student stuff, there are a couple other things in here. One is news of the Leo's renovations being completed. The headline (Leo's Completes Vowed Renovations) doesn't fit the fact that they didn't complete all the renovations they said they would even after scaling them back prior to construction. I'll let that slide, though, because the real crime of this article is what the staff of Leo's named these things. "Leo’s Downunder," "Pasta Palate," "Green Lite," "Stir-up the World," and, Jesus Christ, "DELIfully Fresh" is almost certainly the worst set of puns in the history of the English language. As a comedy writer, it will be much harder to go there without throwing up now, even though the odds were already pretty good.

Finally, more alcohol policy bullshit (Most Alcohol Amendments Accepted)! Again I think the positive tone is a little off the mark considering what's been done. Buried in here is the mind-numbing fact that Todd Olson is still making alcohol-infraction punishments more serious if there's a beer pong table around, and also this:

Finally, Olson maintained the current container policy that limits students to no more than two empty containers in the residence at any time. When asked whether empty cans or handles of alcohol constituted a container, Olson responded that a container was defined as "any container that is not a keg."

You'd better not have a lot of cups, bowls, Nalgenes, pots, teakettles, water pitchers, jars, Tupperware, storage bins, or other containers around. A container that is not a keg is a "container" according to Olson, and you can only have two of those in your dorm room.

Placeholder Of Record, Round 2

http://www.thehoya.com/news


Umm...

Happy Fucking Kent State Massacre 2

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hot on the heels of that Public Safety Alert comes a message from Rocky DelMonaco, Todd Olson, and Jeff Van Slyke. Who are these people, freshmen ask? Well, from the looks of things, they're shaping up to be sort of like that Batman—Commissioner Gordon—Harvey Dent trinity, except evil. Perhaps someone will be the Joker and eventually force them to compromise their morals and do something good for the students? My money is on DelMonaco to crack first, even though his name is Rocky, and even though Olson does not seem like he would be, you know, brave, if things got heated.

So what do we have in this e-mail? Well, it looks like Van Slyke is looking to replace our lovable bumbling DPS officers with "highly-qualified" killing machines as his first project. I guess that's not so bad. I mean, DPS officers aren't armed, so... Oh, he's giving them all nightsticks and pepper spray? Well, some students will probably end up in the hospital, but it's not like he's giving them AK-47s so... Oh, yeah. That thing. Well.

It's looking to be a good year for Heckler satire, at least.

I guess it's not exactly an AK-47. The one Van Slyke wants to use on students is green!

Happy Fucking Halloween

Hot damn, I love Public Safety Alerts. This new indecent exposure one is a real gem. But it's what is missing from this report that is really intriguing:

They pretend that this is an "unknown" white male, yet they have his exact license tag! I think it's obvious who this man is thanks to a little investigative reporting by the Voice today. Van Slyke may think he can just take off the hairpiece and get away with dangerous "security" tactics such as this, but we know better. This isn't Ole Miss.

Also missing from this report: how did the witnesses immediately react? Here is a man RAISING HIMSELF UP while DRIVING A MOVING VEHICLE AND THEN EXPOSING HIS GENITALS before putting them away and getting back down to drive quickly away. AND THEN HE DID IT AGAIN. And yet—there is no mention of these witnesses applauding him? No mention of them even throwing a tip his way? I mean, this should be in the Olympics!

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/18

This week marks my second-to-last headline list and last full week at The Onion. As much as I look forward to returning to campus next week and enjoying the "Welcome Back, Jack" event everyone puts together for me each year, I will certainly miss coming in each Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 10 or 11 to the office. And if anyone on the planning committee is reading this, my bus does not leave until about 4 Tuesday, so you should probably push the festivities back.

Two more headlines to report: Oh, No! Dirt Bikes! and Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe. "Oh, No! Dirt Bikes!" was something that came out of my mouth when I was talking to myself one day. I wrote it down but wasn't quite sure if I was going to say it at the headline meeting because it may be the stupidest thing ever put to paper. One person on writing staff ardently backed that sentiment, but she was ultimately shot down. She is the one on the writing staff with ovaries.

Week Eleven
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/18):

  1. Student Government In Turmoil Following Ropes Course
  2. Area Mom Suddenly Canning Everything
  3. Gorbachev Still Refusing To Tear Down Wall Around His Heart
  4. Fourth Graders' School Newscast Struggles To Maintain Objectivity
  5. Pretender To Throne Pretends To Like Working At Investment Bank
  6. Pretender To Throne King Of The Douche Bags
  7. OE: Is It Okay For Me To Come Out Of This Bunker I Went Into On 9/11?
  8. Olympic Spirit Limits Russia To Just One War
  9. Swarm Of Anti-Defamation Locusts Update Nation's Infrastructure
  10. Iraqi Insurgents Finish Up Practice Round
  11. MAG: Gruel, Rotten Meat Scraps, And Other Grim Recipes For Your Historically Mindful Labor Day Party
There were a couple other headlines that are being reworked.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/19):
  1. Pope Puts In For Promotion
  2. OE: Take Care Of This Planet Hollywood; It's The Only One We’ve Got
That second one almost got in, but it was decided that Planet Hollywood is too much of a punchline itself, and a hacky one at that. I have to agree, though it's unfortunate that that's the only good pun on "planet" there I could think of. I did get in one news-in-brief headline and another op-ed headline. This week I wrote an op-ed article that was on the backlog.

I'm also going to share rejected War For The White House headlines I've written so far, in chronological order and spaced apart by week:

  • Obama Boosts Commander-In-Chief Credentials By Conquering Germany
  • McCain Criticizes Obama For Not Visiting Munich, Auschwitz, Neuschwanstein Castle While In Germany
  • Struggling For Media Coverage, McCain To Announce A New Running Mate Every Day For Next Month Or So
  • Despite Last-Second Rescue, Half Of Obama's Face Becomes Disfigured In Factory Explosion
  • McCain Calls For Campaign To Be Fought On 1984 Election Issues
  • Leaked Obama Short List Shows Obama Thinks Kucinich Is Really Short
  • Clinton, Dole, Perot Considering Running In One Last Presidential Election Together
  • Area Man Withdraws Name From Vice-Presidential Consideration
  • Maliki Admits He Only Said He Supported Obama's Iraq Plan Because He Thought Obama Was A Muslim
  • McCain Denounces Sports Illustrated, J-14, Us Weekly, Nintendo Power, Barely Legal, Bird Talk, Sports Illustrated For Kids For Rejecting His Op-Ed Pieces
  • McCain Plays Uno Card
  • Vietnam Torture Card Falls Out Of McCain’s Sleeve
  • Former ‘SNL’ Host John McCain Goes On Several Television Channels To Call Obama ‘Celebrity’
  • McCain, Obama Announce Plans To Give Americans Rebate Checks For Reasons To Be Decided Later
  • Following Reception In Germany, Obama Calls For U.S. Empire-Building To Shift To Europe
  • McCain Following Obama Around Hawaii Trying To Debate Him
  • McCain To Vacation In Panama Canal Zone
  • Obama Spends Week Courting Crucial Grandmother Endorsement
  • Obama Gets Into Serious Surfing Accident After Obama Children Find Ancient Tiki Idol
  • Media Admits John Edwards Had Affair
  • John Edwards Realizes He Had Affair After Seeing Media Coverage Of Olympics, Conflict In Georgia
  • [Candidate] Chooses The American People To Be His Vice President
  • Rest Of Debates To Be Held At Giant Evangelic Churches Too
  • Slot Left Open For Ghost Of Reagan To Speak At GOP Convention
  • Shape Shifter Bob Barr Turns Into Cat At Cat Fancy Forum
  • Mike Gravel Settles For Local Lions Club Presidency
  • Evangelicals 'Close' To Figuring Out How To Re-Elect Bush Again
  • McCain Just Hoping To Make Election Close Enough For Supreme Court To Decide
  • Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Disappointed McCain Can't Make Their Ballroom Dance Competition
  • Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Create Series Of Pro-McCain Mamma Mia! Fan Videos
  • Report: Obama Not The Father Of Edwards' Mistress' Baby

Drinkin' Age

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Lookie here, over 100 of the nation's cool college presidents have signed onto this thing (warning: terrible website) calling for the drinking age to be lowered back to 18. Wait, where's DeGioia? I guess Todd Olson must have been so excited to send it in he accidentally threw DeGioia's letter in the fire.

Maybe he didn't sign it because Syracuse and Duke did? I think we can finally find some common ground on this issue, though.

Predictably the CEO of MADD, which is apparently, and thinking about it, appropriately, a business, is mad at this initiative. "They're waving the white flag," he says. Is this a war? I don't understand. How could a bunch of blacked-out students win a war? That's awesome, I suppose. I guess I can't be drafted now, because I'm already fighting a war by getting drunk every weekend in a private residence.

While MADD's at it, why are they sitting around and not trying to raise the drinking age again? Isn't that their job? Why not shoot for 30? Or 35? I mean, it would technically save lives, even if it ruins our culture and businesses.

Also, that picture is ridiculous. I wonder how CNN views underage drinking.

Placeholder of Record

Thursday, August 14, 2008


I'm pretty sure the Vatican is going to force this down soon. That hug has gone on for months.

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/11

I wasn't sure if I should even put these up because they're just terrible. I guess I had an off week in writing headlines. I just could never get into the groove of it last weekend.

Week Ten
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/11):

  1. Tootsie Roll Bag Found In Junk Drawer Saves Woman’s Life
  2. Animals Of The Forest Begin Preparations For Ramadan
  3. Three Die Trying To Reach Annual Everest Climbers Summit
  4. Bush Still Hanging Around Olympic Village
  5. Child’s First Steps Into Grand Canyon
  6. Motivational Speaker Slips In Message While Teaching Everyone The Moonwalk
  7. Good Morning America Viewers Demand Robin Roberts Go Through Cancer Treatment Again
  8. Scalia Loudly Eats Tortilla Chips During ACLU Lawyer’s Argument
  9. OE: Despite What The Media Wants You To Think, Not All Penguins Wear Adorable Scarves
  10. OE: Perhaps I’ve Been Listening To Too Much Ray Charles (by Vladimir Putin)
  11. OE: My Inoffensive, Pro-Establishment Rapping Is Really Taking Me Places
  12. MAG: Smash Mouth: Still “All Stars” In Their Own Way
  13. MAG: How To Make Rachel Ray’s Favorite Ethnic-Food-Inspired Recipes
  14. MAG: Installing A Pond In Your Back Yard In A Last-Ditch Effort To Make Yourself Happy
I apologize for you reading those. Usually I like all of the headlines I pitch, but these were just desperate. Looking back, especially 9 makes me cringe, and I wrote that one because I couldn't stop watching this video last Sunday. I actually kind of liked 2; that comes from this video. Apparently I couldn't come up with a Snow Miser / Heat Miser headline that wasn't a lame global warming joke.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/12):
  1. Second Graders Find Used Condo On Playground
  2. OE: I Guess They’re Only Giving Rhodes Scholarships To Total Assholes
  3. OE: Ask An Advertisement For A Cleft Lip Charity
No headlines got in this week. I wrote one news story.

Timor-Leste


As my time at The Onion is in its final weeks, so nears the end of the Heckler summer blog. Will we continue into the school year? I'd like to, because there are always campus issues and news items I want us to satirize that can't make it into the regular paper. However, considering our track record, it is unlikely.


This week in The Onion I wrote the Jackie Chan op-ed that I pitched as a headline a couple weeks ago. I watched all of Chan's movies in junior high, and I think my love of him comes through between the fun being poked.


Here's a graf that got cut that may have just been funny to me because I took Chinese Religious Thought for my second theology course:

There is an old Chinese fable I always tell these kids. One day, a peasant came up to Confucius. “I am sick of wearing my black vestment,” the peasant said. “It has been a whole week since the emperor’s concubine died. Who made you the vestment boss?” This angered Confucius; however, Confucius backed down from fighting him. “I will let you wear whatever vestment you want from now on,” he said. The peasant was stunned. Confucius had never let anyone break one of his analects before. The peasant went happily back to his family and put on a red vestment. The next day, however, Confucius told the emperor that he had seen a peasant undermining the emperor’s authority by not wearing a black vestment. The emperor sent for the peasant and had him tortured and killed in front of his troops, giving them the pride and morale to defeat a rival army and win the emperor and his advisor Confucius all the land and riches of the region.

Also, we've officially started the new content I mentioned a few weeks back, web-only War For The White House news briefs. I will continue to be part of this project after I return to Georgetown. You can see our first item here. That's my headline, and the article was written by the (acting) editor-in-chief Joe Randazzo. He originally put my last name in there for the Georgetown professor, but I had him change it to Sam DeCanio, a professor I took last semester, who was fitting considering the satire of the article. Take him if you get a chance.

Let the Freshman Douche-Baggery Commence

Friday, August 08, 2008

via Wonkette



Hot damn. Thank God this kid in a prom tuxedo, a "student of politics and history" according to the video description, is going to follow the tradition of Martin Luther King, Jr. by being a Republican and fetishizing tanks. (Yeah, if you didn't know, King was a Republican. You may have been confused by John F. Kennedy releasing him from prison, King voting for JFK and LBJ and denouncing Barry Goldwater, Republicans like Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms who didn't see quite eye-to-eye with King, and pretty much all civil rights activists and black people being Democrats.)

I assume Shawn Summers will follow King's example of violence and his own preference for war by joining the ROTC, right? According to his Facebook profile, he plays this fantasy online war game.


He also made a Facebook group for himself to help win this contest. He made sure to say his name in the group description "so you know it's me and not a hoax." Why would anyone think this video is a hoax, Shawn? You represent yourself so perfectly.

"A REPUCLICAN. YES, A REPUBLICAN. THIS IS HIS DESKTOP. THIS IS HIS VOTER REGISTRATION."

Who is Shawn Summers? Let's look at his Facebook photos!

I really hoped this one was a hoax. His YouTube name is "jedimaster51090," however.
At right, as a child...
Playing piccolo in his high school marching band....
In drama club...

Well, we can all see exactly what kind of Republican Shawn is, so it's kind of hard not to feel some compassion for him now.

Unfortunately, he won't win this contest. There's a 13-year-old misinformed geek who is already wearing a flag pin on the collar of his polo shirt. Sweet visuals!

Rejected Onion Headlines 8/4

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Today I turned 20. That hurts. But things are busy as ever for me at The Onion, with only a few more weeks left to go.

Week Nine
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/4):

  1. Obese Teen’s Dream Of Finally Starring In School Play Quashed By Fatsuit Tevye Idea
  2. Recently Divorced Man Returns To Bar To Find Self Only One Drinking Zima
  3. Fourth-Grader Knowingly Asks Teacher What Swear Word In Reading Book Means
  4. Tourists Disappointed To Find No Restaurant In Wall Hole
  5. Studies: Magic Johnson AIDS Death Rate Remains At 0%
  6. People’s Liberation Army Shoots Olympic Spirit Into Protesters
  7. Next Mummy Movie Just Brendan Frasier Standing In Front Of A Green Screen For 70 Minutes
  8. OE: I Also Did It Frank Sinatra’s Way (By Michael Bublé)
  9. OE: If They Won’t Give You Roles Anymore, Sometimes You Just Have To Make Stuart Little 4 Yourself (By Geena Davis)
  10. Beatles Parody Band Needs “Help!” With Their Medicare Prescription Drug Forms
  11. Report: Foreclosure Rates Starting To Help Alleviate U.S. Ghost Overcrowding
  12. MAG: We Sit Down With Kirk Cameron And The Angel Gabriel To Discuss Their Latest Book (pic of Kirk Cameron sitting next to empty chair)
  13. MAG: Fun Summer Recipe Ideas That Will Momentarily Keep Your Mind Off Your Child’s Autism
  14. MAG: The Winners Of Our “Win A Date With A Jonas Brother And His Parents” Contest
  15. MAG: The All-Sudoku-Puzzle Issue
Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/5):
  1. Aria Sung By Crazed Opera Character After Murdering Her Husband Used To Class Up Audi Commercial
  2. Bush Orders Deployment Of Afghanistan To Iraq
  3. Website Designer To Go With Silhouette Of Crowd Waving Their Arms In The Air
  4. MAG: What Your Children Would Have Looked Like If You Had Them With Patrick Dempsey Instead

One headline got in the paper this week as a full article, and I'm writing it. Another got in as an op-ed.

 
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