The U.S. Army Counterinsurgency Field Manual

Friday, August 24, 2007

Hello and welcome to the U.S. Army’s Counterinsurgency Field Manual. The purpose of this manual is to update army strategy in order to cope with the ever evolving and changing insurgency in present day Iraq. Winning the War on Terror is not going to be easy, and this manual has taken this into account. After heavy pensivity and thinkingness, as well as innumerable and valuable contributions from the best and brightest minds in the field of military strategy, we have developed a three stage strategy for counterinsurgency: 1) Winning the War 2) Winning the Peace and 3) Winnie the Pooh. We firmly believe that following these steps, victory will be virtually insured…assured. Shit, I always get those confused.

Stage 1: Winning the War
Losing is not an option. There are those who say we should cut and run, but we here at the Pentagon don’t run with scissors. Instead, we intend to use these very metaphorical scissors to puncture the proverbial veil of secrecy behind this insurgency. We are in a way, haircutters, but instead of cutting hair we shoot people and instead of blow drying hair we blow up houses. In every other way we are like haircutters. Except that many haircutters are of the homosexual persuasion and we have banned their kind in our elite fighting force of heterosexual masculine dominance (and women). I guess my point is, we need to kill the terrorists. And we’re going to use guns and a shitload of bombs. That is our new war strategy. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. But Mr. Pentagon isn’t that what you were doing before. Yes it is. More questions? Yeah, how is this adapting to the ever-evolving insurgency? It’s not, precisely because evolution isn’t real. The insurgency only looks like it’s evolving, but really it’s always looked this way because God created it to be this way.

Stage 2: Winning the Peace
A lot of folks in Washington try to simplify the war too much. A war is a complex thing. It’s like a cake. There are a lot of ingredients and when you fuck up, it’s ok, cause you can just throw it out and start over again. Shooting the insurgents dead isn’t the only way we must approach this war. The Army is no longer solely a well-oiled, disturbingly well-equipped, bloodthirsty government death squad; it’s also a political and social tool. Winning the Peace is about utilizing the softer side of the army, the “downy” side if you will. Greeting Iraqis with a smile and hand gesture is often enough to win over even the harshest of insurgents. And maybe give them some candy or something. Hell if I know.

Stage 3: Winnie the Pooh
This is a crucial element to our new counterinsurgency plan. Some of you may be old enough to remember our less politically correct “Winnie the Gook” campaign during Vietnam. Oh man, ol’ Charlie loved playing with those toys right up until the moment they detonated with the high explosives and napalm they were packed with. However, this time we will be dropping actual bears stuffed with stuffing I believe. Will it be explosive stuffing you ask? I like your style, but unfortunately some of the “officials” in Washington won’t allow that. But what the hell am I gonna do if a couple of rogue soldiers stuff their bears with homemade napalm using these readily accessible ingredients in the following proportions: 1 part Styrofoam, 2 parts gasoline. But I digress. Our objective here is to kill them with kindness. Kindness mixed with bullets and napalm. Also, one note, if you accidentally receive a shipment of “Whiny the Jew” bears, please discard them. This are an earlier prototype that was ultimately discarded.

Well, you’ve now learned everything you need to know about counterinsurgency strategy. This concludes the operations component of the field manual. Thanks for reading and remember, if it moves, it’s probably a terrorist so shoot.

If you liked this, you might also like:
The Vietnam War: Of Course We Won
Arabs: Why are they all terrorists?
Military Invasions For Dummies
The Bay of Pigs: Perfection in a Plan
Winnie the Pooh and the Heffalump

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