Alternate Histories

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Modern science informs us that today’s world is the result of thousands of years of so-called “history”. But what would life be like if humanity’s most pivotal moments had turned out differently?

Event: 480 B.C.: Spartans surrender at Battle of Thermopylae.
Result: Persians conquer Greece, wiping out the nascent arts of gyro preparation and anal sex. King Xerxes expands his empire to unknown realms, but cannot ease the aching loneliness in his heart. With help from a plucky palace orphan, he learns that true happiness must come from within. He announces this discovery in a heartwarming speech widely credited with teaching the world to love again.

Event: A.D. 33: Jesus escapes from the cross.
Result: Making a break from his bumbling Roman captors, the Son of Man reconvenes with his team of scrappy but loyal Apostles in downtown Nazareth. Realizing they have been set up, Jesus and his crew decide to turn the other fist on the biggest Roman of all: Tiberius “Big Papa” Caesar. Outside the Emperor’s apartment, James and Peter distract the local authorities, while Jesus crawls through a series of overhead ducts before dropping down on a shocked Tiberius in bed with his woman. “Render unto Caesar,” quips the Messiah just before delivering the fatal blow.

Event: A.D. 1492: Columbus turns back.
Result: Due to the explorer’s failure to overthrow prevailing scientific consensus, the Earth remains flat for an additional three centuries. Magellan expedition ends in horrifying (though highly predictable) tragedy. Native Americans are forced to waste time and energy spreading smallpox amongst themselves.

Event: A.D. 1865: Lincoln survives.
Result: Flush with the success of his recent Emancipation Proclamation, the thrill-seeking president spends the rest of his term engaging in ever wilder acts of public emancipation. He begins modestly, emancipating his dog Scooter from the corner of the White House sofa, but soon alarms the public with campaigns to emancipate children from their mothers, diabetics from their insulin, and women from their virginity. When a visibly wild-eyed Lincoln announces his plan for the nationwide emancipation of toilet paper from public restrooms, he is visited by the wise and plucky King Xerxes, who teaches him the important lesson that true friendship is God’s most precious gift. They hug as history ends on a freeze-frame.

Event: A.D. 1962: Mick Jagger turns down offer to join Rolling Stones.
Result: Hot rain falls up. Sea mammals begin to die in a baffling wave of extinction, while a strange virus leads to the elimination of all world religions. The Earth’s rotation is spontaneously reversed, causing Zombie Hitler to rise from his grave and conquer the Sudetenland. Beatles have #1 hit for 1965.

Event: A.D. 2006: Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff take each other’s lives in three-day New York shootout.
Result: World peace.