Rejected Onion Headlines, 6/2 and 6/9

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Like this new blog design? Me neither, really, and I designed it. But at least it's better than using that generic template.

After getting rejected for crappy jobs by the Washington Nationals and the housing department, Heckler editor Jack Stuef somehow scooped up a sweet gig as a summer writing fellow in Manhattan with America's favorite newspaper, The Onion. What's a summer writing fellowship? Basically it's like being any other Onion writer, except I get paid less, get hazed more, and am met with lower expectations.

I was thinking I would share my experiences this summer with you, our Turkish reader. (Thanks for sticking with the blog, Recep!)

First up: why not my share with you some of my failures? At The Onion, we start with the headlines first, and each week I'm expected to bring in 15 fresh ones. The following are the ones I presented the past two Mondays that failed:

Week One

Failing in the first round (Monday 6/2):

1. following focus group tests, reform party nominates computer generated penguin for president
2. esl lab more advanced, productive than chemistry lab
3. local newspaper under fire for being 12-year-old's propaganda machine
4. hipster polygamist decides marriage just not in the future for him, girlfriends
5. beanie baby investment fails to mature
6. supreme court rules, appellate court drools
7. local woman enters medical school just for excuse to wear scrubs
8. manhattan toddler still refusing to like sushi
9. misbehaving congressman forced to spend entire recess inside capitol

"Jack, those headlines are shitty." I hear you, but it was my first week! But also, you're right, and they're only going to go downhill from here. I did get 6 headlines voted to the second round, which is not too shabby for a new guy.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 6/3):

1. buddha statue used to hold second roll of toilet paper
2. area man somehow winds up on foreign policy panel
3. promotional towels sewn together to form usable towel
4. local mom tries to make her food chipotle-flavored too
5. inspiring dyslexic terrorist makes it to top leadership of hezbollah
6. area man can't stop fantasizing about stopping would-be obama assasin

This week I didn't get anything into the paper, though the one about the dyslexic terrorist came really close. One lesson learned this week: capitalize your headlines, dipshit.

Articles written this week: I wrote one news-in-brief item. I'll make a post whenever an article I write finally goes up online (we work a few weeks ahead).

Week Two
Failing in the first round (Monday 6/9):

1. Man Confused By Sign From God To Steal Second
2. Woman On Street Won't Shut Up About Lost Child
3. Waitress Area Man's Assistant-Managing Muse
4. Goodyear Announces "Win A Minimum-Wage Factory Job At Goodyear" Sweepstakes
5. Theater Audience Distracted By Autistic Fiddler On The Roof
6. Giant Rubber Band Ball Under Fire For Breaking DVD Player
7. Elton John Begins Writing Hillary Clinton Version Of ‘Candle In The Wind’
8. Battle Of Gettysburg Comes Alive For Drunk Teens Visiting On School Trip
9. Papal Apartment Blasting "Lady In Red" On Repeat
10. Area Man Not Ruling Out Being Obama's Vice President

Only five headlines made it to the second round? I told you things were on the decline.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 6/10):

1. Cocky Media Now Wants To Pick Vice-Presidential Candidates Too
2. OP-ED: Yes, I Did Say I Wanted Butter On Those Dippin' Dots
3. Street Named In Honor Of Dead Guy Re-named After New Dead Guy
4. Standing Too Close To Microwave Will Give You Cancer Or Something, Reports American Journal Of Moms

"Shit, Jack, where's the fifth one?" IN THE PAPER, BITCHES. That's right, I got an op-ed headline in there. Again, a link will come when it goes up.

Articles written this week: I wrote a point-counterpoint column.


So there's a little summary of my writing the past two weeks. Hope you like this feature, Recep.