Rejected Onion Headlines 6/23

Sunday, June 29, 2008

As you may have been able to tell from our clip-show-style gay-issue this week, The Onion is now on summer vacation for two weeks. After that, it'll be a week of special projects. Good news: I get two weeks of paid vacation to myself in NYC. Bad news: no new headlines or article-writing for three weeks. Now let's get to the embarrassingly bad headlines!

Week Four
Failing in the first round (Monday 6/23):

1. Mugabe's Dog Certifies Another Election Victory OR Mugabe's Dog Drops Out Of Presidential Race
2. Bush Just Hanging Around Home This Summer After Failing To Get Internship At U.N.
3. Man Surprised To Come Across Black-People Version Of Favorite Commercial
4. McCain And Obama Locked In Harsh Battle Over Who Is More Civil
5. Man With Alzheimer’s Returned Home After Wandering Onto Space Station
6. Hot Cuban Band The Castro Brothers To Star In Own Cuba Disney Channel Movie (GROAN)
7. Wall Street Tumbles After Pretty Light Turns Off
8. OE: In My Day, You Had To Smoke Pot Uphill 15 Miles In The Snow Or Some Shit
9. OE: Istanbul Is Beautiful This Time Of History
10. OE: Point: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 26-year-old pederast) / Counterpoint: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 12-year-old cannibal)
11. MAG: How Often Does Your Pet Pray?

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 6/24):

1. America Suffers Through Record Box Office
2. Man Walking Onto Web Page Wants To Welcome You
3. OE: I Will Pollute This River If It's The Last Thing I Do

It was a slow week, funny-wise, just days before sweet summer hiatus. Thus, all four of my headlines in the second round went up for a vote to get in the issue. Three failed, and again this week one was picked by the great Chris Karwowski for a Radio News piece.

Articles written this week: I wrote a news story that will not go in this issue because of its similar subject matter to an Al Gore-related story, but it will appear eventually. To give you some perspective on the hiatus, the issue we put together this week will not go on newsstands until July 30.