Rejected Onion Headlines 7/28

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I seem to be busier than ever at The Onion. Between trying to come up with the regular headlines, coming up with headlines for our special issues, trying to write articles, trying to write jokes for daily content and headline and picture captions, working to help launch a new (or rather, seriously ramped up) section of the paper / website, and working on a pilot with Joe Garden for Adult Swim (well maybe, my relationship with a certain inanimate object in the writers' room is probably just a way to relieve the tedious parts of working here rather than the next Odd Couple), I can see that this sentence is too long. I need to stop writing run-on sentences. What? Anyway, I haven't worked this nearly this hard creatively before. Instead of coming up with one article idea a week or so for the Heckler, my joke abilities are being strained to churn out new material within days, hours, and sometimes even minutes. It's easy to see how this profession can wear on people. Instead of just saying a witty remark as it comes to me at a party now, I seem to over-analyze it and want to throw up (though that could be the alcohol). I begin to wonder if I will become as disillusioned with comedy as I did politics
last year. Probably not, but taking pity on myself like this and questioning my worth keep me going. I can't just accept that this is the peak of my life right here, writing for The Onion, and enjoy it. Though is assuming I'll never do anything bigger than this just more self pity? Eh, here folks, look at these funny funny funny funny funny funny funny funny funny funny headlines:


Week Eight
Failing in the first round (Monday 7/28):

1. Homeless Woman's Promotional Bag Not Doing Bank Of America Any Favors
2. New DNA Technology Clears 91-Year-Old Black Man Of Rape And Murder Of Amelia Earhart
3. Cambodia Sex Tourism Board Rolls Out New "Cambodia: The Next Vietnam" Ad Campaign
4. Lee Greenwood Hints At Another Terrorist Attack
5. Nelson Mandela Wondering Why He Hasn't Been Asked To Guest-Host Tyra Banks Show Again
6. PEZ Dispenser Collector Dispenses With Own Life
7. Area Man Turns Love Of Complaining Into Profession
8. Fed Rates Remain Steady As Bernanke Remains Steady On Couch
9. Boy Forced To Give Signature Not Sure Whether To Use Cursive Or Print
10. OE: If You Keep Trying To Turn This Candle Party Into A Party, I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Leave
11. MAG: How Long Will It Take This Injured Major League Pitcher To Make What You Will In A Lifetime?
12. Area Man Spends All Of His Time Reading Up On How To Be More Productive
13. Nabisco Scientists Complete Periodic Table Of Oreo Flavors

BACK TO SCHOOL ISSUE:

1. Naive Freshman Floor Unsure Why They Have To Set Rules For Vomiting In The Common Room
2. Professor Surprised History Of American Beer Pong Course So Popular
3. Secret Society Secretly Lame
4. South Korean Girl Living Next Door May Or Not Be Dead
5. Rich Kids Magically Gravitate Toward Each Other In First Week On Campus
6. Cell Phone Ring In Library Met With Deafening Sighs
7. MAG: Boat Shoes: Could They Be The New Crocs?
8. MAG: Fashion 2008: We Tell You Which Clothes To Steal From The Laundry Room

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 7/29 and Thrusday 7/31):

1. Man Wearing Spongebob Suit Can't Possibly Be Licensed To Do That

BACK TO SCHOOL ISSUE:

1. OE: Ask A Freshman At His First College Party
2. University President's Letter To New Students Obviously Written In 1996
3. Visiting Parent Takes Over Class Discussion
4. MAG: 10 Tips That Would Have Really Helped You Not Fuck Up Your SATs
5. MAG: How To Make Your Suicide The One Your Campus Will Be Buzzing About

So there you go. Through all that work, and endless discussion in meetings, I wound up with one op-ed headline in the regular issue and one op-ed one-liner in the back-to-school issue. This week the article I wrote was actually the op-ed I got into the regular issue. It's in the character of one of my childhood idols, and it was really fun to write. I just hope it's not too mean.

Check the Onion website Saturday or this week's print issue at stands now to see my fat face ruining the image of Georgetown alumni and this fine university.