Utter Self-Neglect

Saturday, August 02, 2008

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/upcoming_date_only_thing_between

That's me. The headline and article were written by Matt Morrison, the other Onion writing fellow, based on his own sad life. I mean c'mon, you don't really think I'm a "Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect" guy, right? I can't even get a date.

I was able to keep that jar of peanut butter, by the way. Unlike this slob, I fold up pieces of bread and stick it in the jar and eat it instead of sticking a spoon in there. I don't own a spoon or fork, and there was only a knife in this apartment when I got here.

Now that this is up, I realize I really should have told the graphic editors to photoshop out the Georgetown stuff. The administration is totally going to see this photo of me in a shirt bearing the university's name, they're going to sue The Onion, and I'm going to be out of a job. Fuck.