Rejected Onion Headlines 8/18

Thursday, August 21, 2008

This week marks my second-to-last headline list and last full week at The Onion. As much as I look forward to returning to campus next week and enjoying the "Welcome Back, Jack" event everyone puts together for me each year, I will certainly miss coming in each Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 10 or 11 to the office. And if anyone on the planning committee is reading this, my bus does not leave until about 4 Tuesday, so you should probably push the festivities back.

Two more headlines to report: Oh, No! Dirt Bikes! and Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe. "Oh, No! Dirt Bikes!" was something that came out of my mouth when I was talking to myself one day. I wrote it down but wasn't quite sure if I was going to say it at the headline meeting because it may be the stupidest thing ever put to paper. One person on writing staff ardently backed that sentiment, but she was ultimately shot down. She is the one on the writing staff with ovaries.

Week Eleven
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/18):

1. Student Government In Turmoil Following Ropes Course
2. Area Mom Suddenly Canning Everything
3. Gorbachev Still Refusing To Tear Down Wall Around His Heart
4. Fourth Graders' School Newscast Struggles To Maintain Objectivity
5. Pretender To Throne Pretends To Like Working At Investment Bank
6. Pretender To Throne King Of The Douche Bags
7. OE: Is It Okay For Me To Come Out Of This Bunker I Went Into On 9/11?
8. Olympic Spirit Limits Russia To Just One War
9. Swarm Of Anti-Defamation Locusts Update Nation's Infrastructure
10. Iraqi Insurgents Finish Up Practice Round
11. MAG: Gruel, Rotten Meat Scraps, And Other Grim Recipes For Your Historically Mindful Labor Day Party

There were a couple other headlines that are being reworked.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/19):

1. Pope Puts In For Promotion
2. OE: Take Care Of This Planet Hollywood; It's The Only One We’ve Got

That second one almost got in, but it was decided that Planet Hollywood is too much of a punchline itself, and a hacky one at that. I have to agree, though it's unfortunate that that's the only good pun on "planet" there I could think of. I did get in one news-in-brief headline and another op-ed headline. This week I wrote an op-ed article that was on the backlog.

I'm also going to share rejected War For The White House headlines I've written so far, in chronological order and spaced apart by week:

• Obama Boosts Commander-In-Chief Credentials By Conquering Germany
• McCain Criticizes Obama For Not Visiting Munich, Auschwitz, Neuschwanstein Castle While In Germany
• Struggling For Media Coverage, McCain To Announce A New Running Mate Every Day For Next Month Or So
• Despite Last-Second Rescue, Half Of Obama's Face Becomes Disfigured In Factory Explosion
• McCain Calls For Campaign To Be Fought On 1984 Election Issues
• Leaked Obama Short List Shows Obama Thinks Kucinich Is Really Short
• Clinton, Dole, Perot Considering Running In One Last Presidential Election Together
• Area Man Withdraws Name From Vice-Presidential Consideration
• Maliki Admits He Only Said He Supported Obama's Iraq Plan Because He Thought Obama Was A Muslim
• McCain Denounces Sports Illustrated, J-14, Us Weekly, Nintendo Power, Barely Legal, Bird Talk, Sports Illustrated For Kids For Rejecting His Op-Ed Pieces

• McCain Plays Uno Card
• Vietnam Torture Card Falls Out Of McCain’s Sleeve
• Former ‘SNL’ Host John McCain Goes On Several Television Channels To Call Obama ‘Celebrity’
• McCain, Obama Announce Plans To Give Americans Rebate Checks For Reasons To Be Decided Later
• Following Reception In Germany, Obama Calls For U.S. Empire-Building To Shift To Europe

• McCain Following Obama Around Hawaii Trying To Debate Him
• McCain To Vacation In Panama Canal Zone
• Obama Spends Week Courting Crucial Grandmother Endorsement
• Obama Gets Into Serious Surfing Accident After Obama Children Find Ancient Tiki Idol
• Media Admits John Edwards Had Affair
• John Edwards Realizes He Had Affair After Seeing Media Coverage Of Olympics, Conflict In Georgia
• [Candidate] Chooses The American People To Be His Vice President

• Rest Of Debates To Be Held At Giant Evangelic Churches Too
• Slot Left Open For Ghost Of Reagan To Speak At GOP Convention
• Shape Shifter Bob Barr Turns Into Cat At Cat Fancy Forum
• Mike Gravel Settles For Local Lions Club Presidency
• Evangelicals 'Close' To Figuring Out How To Re-Elect Bush Again
• McCain Just Hoping To Make Election Close Enough For Supreme Court To Decide
• Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Disappointed McCain Can't Make Their Ballroom Dance Competition
• Joe Lieberman And Lindsey Graham Create Series Of Pro-McCain Mamma Mia! Fan Videos
• Report: Obama Not The Father Of Edwards' Mistress' Baby