Rejected Onion Headlines 8/4

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Today I turned 20. That hurts. But things are busy as ever for me at The Onion, with only a few more weeks left to go.

Week Nine
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/4):

1. Obese Teen’s Dream Of Finally Starring In School Play Quashed By Fatsuit Tevye Idea
2. Recently Divorced Man Returns To Bar To Find Self Only One Drinking Zima
3. Fourth-Grader Knowingly Asks Teacher What Swear Word In Reading Book Means
4. Tourists Disappointed To Find No Restaurant In Wall Hole
5. Studies: Magic Johnson AIDS Death Rate Remains At 0%
6. People’s Liberation Army Shoots Olympic Spirit Into Protesters
7. Next Mummy Movie Just Brendan Frasier Standing In Front Of A Green Screen For 70 Minutes
8. OE: I Also Did It Frank Sinatra’s Way (By Michael Bublé)
9. OE: If They Won’t Give You Roles Anymore, Sometimes You Just Have To Make Stuart Little 4 Yourself (By Geena Davis)
10. Beatles Parody Band Needs “Help!” With Their Medicare Prescription Drug Forms
11. Report: Foreclosure Rates Starting To Help Alleviate U.S. Ghost Overcrowding
12. MAG: We Sit Down With Kirk Cameron And The Angel Gabriel To Discuss Their Latest Book (pic of Kirk Cameron sitting next to empty chair)
13. MAG: Fun Summer Recipe Ideas That Will Momentarily Keep Your Mind Off Your Child’s Autism
14. MAG: The Winners Of Our “Win A Date With A Jonas Brother And His Parents” Contest
15. MAG: The All-Sudoku-Puzzle Issue

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/5):

1. Aria Sung By Crazed Opera Character After Murdering Her Husband Used To Class Up Audi Commercial
2. Bush Orders Deployment Of Afghanistan To Iraq
3. Website Designer To Go With Silhouette Of Crowd Waving Their Arms In The Air
4. MAG: What Your Children Would Have Looked Like If You Had Them With Patrick Dempsey Instead

One headline got in the paper this week as a full article, and I'm writing it. Another got in as an op-ed.