Rejected Onion Headlines 8/11

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I wasn't sure if I should even put these up because they're just terrible. I guess I had an off week in writing headlines. I just could never get into the groove of it last weekend.

Week Ten
Failing in the first round (Monday 8/11):

1. Tootsie Roll Bag Found In Junk Drawer Saves Woman’s Life
2. Animals Of The Forest Begin Preparations For Ramadan
3. Three Die Trying To Reach Annual Everest Climbers Summit
4. Bush Still Hanging Around Olympic Village
5. Child’s First Steps Into Grand Canyon
6. Motivational Speaker Slips In Message While Teaching Everyone The Moonwalk
7. Good Morning America Viewers Demand Robin Roberts Go Through Cancer Treatment Again
8. Scalia Loudly Eats Tortilla Chips During ACLU Lawyer’s Argument
9. OE: Despite What The Media Wants You To Think, Not All Penguins Wear Adorable Scarves
10. OE: Perhaps I’ve Been Listening To Too Much Ray Charles (by Vladimir Putin)
11. OE: My Inoffensive, Pro-Establishment Rapping Is Really Taking Me Places
12. MAG: Smash Mouth: Still “All Stars” In Their Own Way
13. MAG: How To Make Rachel Ray’s Favorite Ethnic-Food-Inspired Recipes
14. MAG: Installing A Pond In Your Back Yard In A Last-Ditch Effort To Make Yourself Happy

I apologize for you reading those. Usually I like all of the headlines I pitch, but these were just desperate. Looking back, especially 9 makes me cringe, and I wrote that one because I couldn't stop watching this video last Sunday. I actually kind of liked 2; that comes from this video. Apparently I couldn't come up with a Snow Miser / Heat Miser headline that wasn't a lame global warming joke.

Failing in the second round (Tuesday 8/12):

1. Second Graders Find Used Condo On Playground
2. OE: I Guess They’re Only Giving Rhodes Scholarships To Total Assholes
3. OE: Ask An Advertisement For A Cleft Lip Charity

No headlines got in this week. I wrote one news story.